First off, forget about all your "facts". You're doing exactly what she wants you to. She claims she feels "guilty" etc., when in actuality she wants to blame you for all her bad decisions. Period.
So if you don't want to file, I would ignore her. Just flat out ignore her. Give her 'yes and no' answers. That's it. Act as if you're the happiest person on earth.
This will irritate her to no end. Oh she will continue to push your buttons. Gently remind her that you will not be spoken to in that manner and walk away. This will get her pissed off.
Meanwhile, go out with friends, for a walk, whatever. Show her that the universe does not revolve around her.
Forget about what she told you before. You start steering the ship for a change.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My issue is that the script hasn't changed AT ALL in 11 months. I am not starting to realize / believe / accept that maybe she is not capable of changing the script. Maybe, she is not capable of taking responsibility for her own life and her own bad decisions. Ever.
(Currently she says the only bad decision she made is agreeing to marry me... )
If this is the case, then I don't want to spend the rest of my life being the scapegoat to someone who can be neither happy nor responsible for their own unhappiness.
I am at the point where (except for my kids) I am ready to file and walk away.
And after a long time of this, I am angry enough to just want her out of my life. GONE.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I'm afraid Mrs. Thinker is like that character in Peanuts, Pigpen, who walks around in his own cloud of dirt. But her cloud is not dirt, it's depression and anger. It follows her wherever she goes. She can't decide to love because she has already decided not to love.
You would need to ask your questions of an attorney, how to extricate yourself from a marriage with a person who is incapable of loving you and being nice to you.
Thinker - if you're done, you're done and I support you. However, when you talk about filing in the post above, I'm hearing a decision motivated by anger. Taking action in anger often comes back to bite you in the butt (voice of experience), so perhaps you should give this a 30 day cooling off period?
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Thinker - if you're done, you're done and I support you. However, when you talk about filing in the post above, I'm hearing a decision motivated by anger. Taking action in anger often comes back to bite you in the butt (voice of experience), so perhaps you should give this a 30 day cooling off period?
My thoughts exactly.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
O'dog agrees too. Wait a bit. Don't let anger choose your words.
As stated earlier, I don't think "The Weekend" is over yet. Right now it seems you're both angry. Get some calm time then revisit things later.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Does she understand that there are only 2 choices -- 1. get with the program and make your marriage better, including stop the criticizing; or 2. get a divorce? I think, as miserable as she claims to be, she wants to stick with the status quo -- live together while you support her and try to be nice to her, and she whines, complains and criticizes. Be clear that there is no third option.
So I just got a call from my W. She is now insisting that we go back to counseling, either me alone or together as a couple, to "deal with my anger issue". She is now "scared for her own safety" and "Can't go on together if I am going to be like this"
She said "Anger is not OK!"
I corrected her: "No, anger is OK, it is not OK that I acted up in my anger".
In reply to which she singsonged (mimiking Retro) "Oh, that's right, feelings are neither good nor bad"
I stayed calm and corrected her: "Mrs Thinker, this is not "my anger problem" My anger is my reaction to your actions and to our situation. Do not be disrespectful like that every time I tell you what I am feeling. That is a big part of the issue."
To which I got an "I'm sorry" that said she wasn't really.
I stayed outwardly calm but...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker - sorry I got a little behind on your thread but I wanted to reach back to something from yesterday:
Quote:
My issue is that the script hasn't changed AT ALL in 11 months. I am not starting to realize / believe / accept that maybe she is not capable of changing the script. Maybe, she is not capable of taking responsibility for her own life and her own bad decisions. Ever.
I am in the same boat - W has been telling me it is 'over' for the past 10 months or so. I, like you, am starting to wonder when it will change or if it ever will and am losing some hope.
However, I feel a level of detatchment now unlike I ever have in the past, and I feel like this is the only chance we have of fixing things now that I have arrived at this place, so I want to see what happens.
I too have wanted to file out of anger at times, but I backed off because I realized deep down I didn't want a D.
I now also realize I hadn't done EVERYTHING in my power to save the M. Now that I am feeling like it can go either way and I will make it OK I realize that I may finally be at a point where there is a real chance for things to turn around, but I will be OK if it doesn't also.
I am telling you all this because I realize now that Retrouvaille isn't a great way to 'detatch' - the point of Retrouvaille is to bring you together. However, they tell you that one of the main ingredients needed is the DESIRE to make it work and your W doesn't have it (mine didn't either). As a result, you might want to consider not going to the post-sessions this round and picking them up after the next weekend is held (usually six months out). Then again, if you think your W might miraculously 'wake up' as a result of the post sessions, where she will hear other inspiring stories from couples who fixed their M then stick with it. Since it doesn't appear she has an OM you might be able to gain more benefit from it than my W did. Others experienced with Retro please chime in - I may not be right on this, but I know if I was doing post-sessions with my W right now I wouldn't be able to detatch like I have??
In our case, given that she had no DESIRE and was also involved with OM, Retro actually might have made things worse since working on our issues and feelings, etc. is the last thing a WAW wants to do in this situation. < however, as I stated earlier, it was a great for me personally and gave me a lot of strength to face down a tough situation >
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
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