I woke up today to weary grey rainy weather. My sister was up and about getting ready for school and was making all the usual noises. For 1 second, i thought it was my W getting ready for work. For 1 second I felt at ease. Then reality hit.
Today I feel weak and sullen. Like i want to tell her that i love her and I miss her. But i can't shake that feeling of extreme pain and loneliness.
She has my daughter. She has my dog. She has most of the furniture and she still has my heart.
Sigh... I will see her today when I pick up my D to go to my friends birthday dinner.
I know I have to be upbeat. But it is tough when she says things like she couldn't sleep for 5 hours and all she did was think about things. I didn't even want to ask what she was thinking about because I already know it was about us and the divorce. 5 hours without sleep thinking about how to be more resolute about how to divorce me, or about how to not show emotion when she sees me next. Of course i am mind reading, but when you know someone for 11 years, you tend to know what they are sometimes thinking.
Nobody lays in bed for 5 hours at the butt crack of dawn thinking of all the great things in a marriage if they are wanting a divorce.
Well maybe they do, but i didn't get that vibe from her at all.
Tomorrow is family dinner. SOmething she started recently when she moved to her new place.
Why would she want to have a "FAMILY" dinner knowing that she wants a divorce? Is this more waffling or is this some twisted view on what she thinks we should be after the divorce.
Why is it so hard for me to let go. Is it because she still responds to me physically and emotionally?
I am so confused. I am so afraid to make a move one way or the other for fear of pushing her away more.
