Where are you in this picture? I clung to my marriage based on fear, a need for security even though it was over from my former spouse's perspective. I didn't want the shame of divorce, feeling like I was lacking/bad.
Are you still in counseling? Sometimes having an unbiased professional can help you on this rocky process.
Have you considered that success stories come from spouses intent on making a point, an either/or statement. Think of g-Force. His spouse was gung-ho about the other guy. Yet when he was committed to moving out of state and starting his life over she woke up. Through her consistent positive ACTIONS she helped revitalize the marriage. And G had grown in the process. They both worked together for a common goal.
You and your spouse have not been husband and wife for many a year. If he wants a relationship with you, it's back to square one... talking over coffee outside of your house, your family. A date. Learning about each other bit by bit. Actions over time.
Right now you have words and better hugs along with knowledge of hurtful lies and behavior. He doesn't get a free pass because he woke up with his contrition once his actions were revealed to the light of day.
Take the hook out of your mouth. Resist the bait because you are not a fish. You are a beautiful, passionate, incredible woman. Tell him to start at square one. That you will continue with the divorce but that he has an opportunity to get to know you, you to get to know him and begin again without instant intimacy.
No guarantees. No apologies. An opportunity for action in his court. With respect, caring and anticipation. If it works, then keep going at babysteps. If it doesn't, it doesn't.
