I love my W, I really do. I've been asked by so many people if I am in love with my wife or if I am in love with the IDEA of being in love with my wife. Honestly, I can say I love her, and I have a list of reasons why; but does it really matter? Eitherway I want the same thing. We all know that love is not a state of being, it is a state of mind. You don't just fall in love and stay there forever without work. Even if I had to answer that question by saying that I am in love with the idea of being in love with her, I would still want to work on our R so that we did fall in love again...but I do love her.
As an example, it hurts me to see her hurt. I've hurt her and I understand that. However, when I think of not having the kids on Christmas morning, it makes me sad. But what makes me more sad is thinking of how sad she will be if she doesn't have them. I'm not saying I would give up that chance to have the kids on Christmas morning, but my concerns are two fold, my hurt and hers.
An interesting thing happened yesterday.
Our checking account was hacked, along with many many others. The bank is fixing the problem, but basically all of our money is gone. They should have it fixed today and I am not overly concerned; but we were on the phone talking because debit cards were being cancelled, etc...
I told her that all of my money for the next week was currently gone. She took hers out last week and put it in her new account. She said she had money left and we would figure something out. I told her I had to go and she said "okay, sweetie". Fruedian slip, I am sure. However, it felt good to hear and is something I haven't heard in almost 2 months. If nothing else, it means the anger has subsided enough that she left her subconscience guard down enough that it slipped out.
Last week she asked that I "help more" in selling our new house. I emailed her and asked what I could do. She replied that we needed a sign for the yard. We tried selling our old house on our own before listing it with an agency, so I got up from my desk, drove to the old house, got the old sign and took it to the new house and put it in the garage.
I went back to work and emailed her that I had just put the for sale sign in the garage. I didn't put it in the yard because she needed to let the kids know (she had them that week) before they just saw it in the yard after school.
Almost a week later, the sign is still in the garage.
These little victories give me hope.
I found a Japanese Proverb that really has a lot of meaning to me. I'll post that below.
"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful"
I'm feeling good. I am still sad, but I don't cry myself to sleep at night. My FIL told me in an email today that he felt like I had reached a point where I was more teachable, reflective and able to make lasting changes. He said he hopes my W sees this, but eitherway, it is an important place for me to be, for myself. I do feel that way.
I start each counseling session with the statement "I don't want a divorce", but that is going to change. No one wants a divorce, not even my W. What I mean when I say that is "I Love my W and I want to fix our marriage".
I chose to be married to my W, now more than ever. I know that is out of my control. I am more able to accept that now. However, I want to be married to her more now than I did a year ago. I am sticking to the DB techniques and I do believe they are working. I modify them here and there. For example, I did tell her that I was not over her and am not dating anyone. I said that I am rebuilding myself and working on being a better person and a new relationship is not going to help that at all. My kids and myself are my focus. She replied with a "thank you, it isn't really my place to ask, but I wanted to ask rather than assume".
Each day is filled with moments of clarity as well as fog. I'm learning to navigate both. To see through the fog as well as to enjoy the view when it is a clear day.
