Question

[awest1217]

So the weekend...

Friday -
Friday I stayed at home like I said before and S was very whiny, definitely not feeling well. Went to in-laws for pizza and H still did not tell them he had moved back in. That night had a "girl's night in" where we watch a chick flick and have some girl time. THis had been planned for a month so I did not want to cancel it. I had a lot of fun and watched Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past. H went to a restaurant to catch up with OW, but I knew about it and he text me when he was going, where, and when he was coming home so when he got home I thanked him. He got mad because he rushed through eating because said would be home at a certain time, but the restaurant was packed and OW was late as always. So I got upset and did not go to bed until 1 am.

Saturday -
Got up with S at 6:50 am when he woke up. Got ready and woke H up at 8:30 because I was leaving to go to get a massage because i had gotten a gift certificate for my birthday from my brother and his family(once again planned for a month). H watched S at our house. Played with S and when I got home S was sleeping on the couch (a good thing with being sick all week). Both talked about the good time they had. H asked me what I wanted to do. I said going to get S a halloween costume. H said ok, but we didn't go until 4 pm, and then we got chinese from our favorite place for dinner. H talked to OW and she keeps texting how warm pjs are on sale for S or costumes have free shipping for S. It bothers me, but did not say anything or do anything about it. Honestly had a good day of just relaxing.

Sunday -
H says not coming to church because not ready to face everyone. I had been mulling over this for days so before I stared to get ready for church I said I wanted him to either start going to a counselor or go to church. I didn't care which one, but he needed to do something to get some help. He said he feels he does not need any help, but would look into going to see a professor he had (he has a psych major). I said that was fine as long as he could be open and really talk about things. I did get accusatory so I apologized for that.

Check the phone records later, and as soon as S and I left for church, H called OW. I am assuming he hung out with her then too. I asked last night and he said no, but I don't have any reason to believe him. H made dinner and my sister and friend came over so I could help the friend with some of her homework. H got mad because he said dinner was ready and I ignored him (I didn't hear him). He said he can't do that with OW so I shouldn't do that either. I agreed, but said I honestly did not hear him.

9 pm that night my other brother (really step) texts and says H cannot stay at his house when we come to TN because H has not had any consequences for his actions and they did not agree with the situation. I said I was completely ok with my brother saying he did not want H at the house, but did not like the rest because he is not God to cast revenge, and who is he to say I am doing things wrong. It really bugged me. My brother and wife are the only two people H has reached out to and told was coming home. H broke down and I spent most of the night (every 15 minutes) going outside to ask H to come back in and if he wanted to be alone that was fine, but be inside where it was warm and safe. H ranted about how things will never change and everyone is right to be mean to him and how he should have never come home. HOw he will never be happy and only came home to make me happy. He has never and will never be happy. He just wants to leave and start over. Going to stop taking his pills. Through all of the ranting (really more calm indifference with pouting so no yelling or anything) I stayed calm and just reassured him and said I am fine with him being upset and wanting to be alone, but he had to be safe. Finally we had a moment where he said something, I said something back to lighten the mood (which I had been doing all night) and we both laughed. It was an awesome moment! I got him to agree to come in, take his pills, and then left him alone to think. He slept on the couch and I finally went to sleep around 1:30 am with S waking up at 2 am wanting to come in my room so I brought him in. Slept from 2 - 6 am then off to work.

Monday -
Yesterday stunk. H came home already upset because out of habit I had locked the screen door and he could not get in. I was mowing (something he asked to do and I said ok, but he didn't so I just did it myself) so I did not know he couldn't get in. We discussed finances and he said keep separate accounts (so to me we are just roommates). Later as I am about to cook dinner he says "Do you have any big plans tonight?" I say no it is Monday do you? He says I would like to get my hair cut. I then say sure I can do that because I had been cutting his hair for years and OW took over when he moved out (she does a really bad job). He says no I want OW to do it. Is that ok? I knew he had planned this over the weekend and it bothered me, but I could not tell him that because he would flip and leave. I then ask if he is planning on going to the college game this weekend with OW and he said yes. I calmly say that is the two times this month because in teh beginning of September I said I was ok with two times a month seeing each other, and he signs. I say go ahead and go because I am really mad and need you to leave so I can calm down while you are gone. Also there is no point in making him be at home when he doesn't want to be. I make dinner and H is talking to me and gets mad because I don't respond although I can't hear him with chicken sizzling, the fan going, S playing, etc.

H leaves right after dinner and after 20 minutes calls to say he is coming home. He had a horrible tone and I knew he was mad. I said are you mad? He says yes, and out of frustration I say then don't come home and hang up the phone. I text him and say how I am not strong enough to convince him to stay everyday. This starts a long texting conversation (which he is also talking to OW at this time as well) where he compares himself to Anakin from star wars and has the dark side looming and everyday is struggling to not give in. I went along with the analogy since I know star wars and say how Anakin goes to save Padme, but ultimately kills her and loses his kids in the process. H said he knows and did not want to do that to me. I said I would leave him alone, I took a shower and had just gotten in to bed when he got home. I had just text him saying good night and to be safe (especially with the way he acted the night before). He came in and said I told you I was safe. I said ok, I just wanted to emphasize it. He then asked "are you mad?" I said yes and he starts to pack up his stuff. I then get more mad and he says I don't understand how you can be concerned about me, but mad. I said "I don't know how you can say you love me and also love OW." Of course that set him off, and there goes the fight. I wish I wouldn't have said that, but I am going on little sleep, not feeling well, and just gave in to my emotions. We yelled, he threatened to leave, I begged to stay, and not punish me for one bad day. He threatened to kill himself and even cut his arm with a bread knife. HE signed a paper saying he was in his right mind and would never try to get any type of custody of S in lieu of a divorce. I then insist that he needs help,a nd he says why there is nothing wrong with me. I also stand up for myself and say how I am trying and it is not fair to make me be ok with him being "friends" with OW. Also makes me upset that he won't tell her to stop calling and texting so much so he can save his marriage because it would hurt her, which means she is more important to you than I am, and he said yes she is. Finally I get myself together and say I am not going to let you manipulate me anymore and go upstairs to bed. He decides to stay and sleeps on the couch because he would be more comfortable there. I finally go to bed around midnight just to get up again at 6.

This morning -
H gets up and makes sure I am out of bed (I have to be at work early on Tuesdays). Asks to make breakfast and helps to get things ready. He also says how he is sorry for starting the fight and I apologize for saying what I did to escalate it. We left each other cordially, but I honestly don't see him staying past this weekend.

I guess it is bad to say that, but although DR says one person can do it, at some point the other has to come along and with us the OW will never be gone and H does not want to get help so I don't see much of a future unless I roll over and live with an unphysical, untrusting, not intimate marriage, which is not an option. I am trying to be patient, but I think there are a few things in this area H could do.