Scared but ready #7

[breakaway]

Rustie!! Where have you been? I've wondered about how you are doing.

The book is Adult Children Of Alcoholics. I will post some info from it later. So other people know, there doesn't really have to be alcoholism in the FOO for a lot of this to apply. Other kinds of dysfunction have similar affect. Alcoholism itself is probably the most chaotic however. And you can be the Child of a Child of Alcoholics, as my H is. My FIL is such a big factor in our lives that I was reading it to gain understanding of "the family way." It is filling in a lot of the blanks for me. And really, I am an ACOA myself, my dad was sober as long as I can remember, he had quit drinking when I was small, but he has many of the traits. I've been well-trained to be in this marriage (rolling eyes). And my kids are children of an alcoholic, so this shows me where the confusion for them can affect them. It's very good.

Update on my sitch....H went hunting with S12 for the weekend and they had a good time together. He came home in an excellent mood last night. He is being very attentive and kind and loving. Not just "not abusive." S12 confirmed that it was a good time and his dad didn't ride him about anything. S10 and I had a good weekend and spent a lot of time painting together. He's a good little artist, and I am turning out to have some moderate talent myself. We need a studio. haha

We had one bit of static...I was discussing changing my meds with H. I don't ever talk to him about my personal business if I can help it, but I tried anyway. He responded like a normal person. Talked about maybe what he might need for ADD. We were cozied up on the couch, eating dinner and watching Deal or No Deal, lol. Then he says, you know when you started taking that med, your sex drive went away.

This is patently untrue..and stupid on many levels. For one thing, I started taking it last winter...when he had started drinking like a fish for a six month period, he doesn't even KNOW what was going on. Secondly, if I was ever not interested it might be because he was stinking drunk and could hardly do it anyway. And I did it with him anyway!! Like an idiot. Those days are over. Thirdly, the person with sexual dysfunction issues is him. I won't go into the details. Although that can be a symptom of porn addiction and one of the reasons I was suspicious.

Lastly...and most importantly..he's made the same complaint and comment a thousand times over, for our entire marriage. We could have ML two days before and he'd say we hadn't in THREE MONTHS, BREAKAWAY!! He just makes this crap up in his head. I can count on ONE HAND the times I've said no to sex. It's the average once or twice a week, unless someone is sick or there is some kind of life chaos going on. Then he would get angry and say I didn't initiate it enough. So I would approach him and he would brush me off. No, forget it, he'd say. I once told him he'd rather NOT have sex so he could complain about not having sex, and he had a totally busted expression on his face...and got sheepish, and said, I guess I do do that. He seemed confused himself that he would do that.

Okay, I tell all this, because there is no merit to what he said, and furthermore, I think I KNOW what my sex drive is like better than he does. Again this is an example of him trying to define me. Now, I will say this...he said it "nicely" and in a non-confrontational manner. And he said, I'm not trying to start a fight or anything...but that did take away your sex drive.

And I didn't get mad, and I didn't explain everything I just wrote, and I didn't do anything but nicely reply, "no it didn't." He paused a bit and said..well..okay.

Then I changed the subject. Anyway, his behavior is a lot lot better. But there is still his undercurrent of thinking and defining me, but I know what's true about me so I am not going to argue with him about it.

[breakaway]

Well. I woke up very grouchy this morning. I have poison ivy from our last trip to the country...S10 had a bad dream and woke up extra early...I am out of my caffeine source. Kids have school pictures today. etc etc I just felt totally crabby and overwhelmed. I felt like H was moving towards his Inspector General personality and I didn't want to deal with it. I could also tell he was put off by my mood...anyway, I left and ran down to the gas station to get some Diet Coke, and they were leaving when I came back so we waved bye. I needed him to open my soda! So that made him feel important, lol.

I went inside and he had left me a note. Said he was sorry I had poison ivy but he hoped it got better today and that I had a happy day. love, H and then he wrote "eggs and toast " underneath..he'd left me eggs and toast.



That was something he read from Love Without Hurt and commented on...that if I was getting upset or angry that meant I needed help not scolding. That was a revelation to him.

Anyway, it made me feel a lot better. That and a Diet Coke ;P
Amazing that H could make me feel better and not worse. I will send him a nice email.

[tristan]

Thank God for Diet Coke! It is my energy source too Your H turned your day around. Now keep it that way. Keep up the good work.

[breakaway]

I wanted to post this list from the book Adult Children of Alcoholics...you can also be the adult child of a dysfuntional parent who didn't drink and may have some of these same traits. I have some of them, and my husband has some of them.

Adult Children of Alcoholics:

~guess at what normal behavior is

~have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end

~lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth

~judge themselves without mercy

~have difficulty having fun

~take themselves very seriously

~have difficulty with intimate relationships

~over-react to changes over which they have no control

~constantly seek approval and affirmation

~usually feel that they are different from other people

~are usually super responsible, or super irresponsible

~are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved

~are impulsive; they tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences.

[Dia]

Hi, Break,

FWIW, my H is an ACoA. His mom sobered up when he was 4 or 5. One of the things that MIL that has MIL so livid with me is that 2.5 years ago when H was having some alcohol issues, he suggested I talk to her due to her years of experience in AA. When I tried, she lit me up one side and down the other for 'going behind his back'. The fact that he *told* me to talk to her made no difference whatsoever.

[breakaway]

Ugh. Horrible day today. Poison ivy out of control. H on a nitpicking spree, though it's on the mild side. But this rash is looking infected and I couldn't get out of work to go to the doctor. Told him I'd probably try one of those Walgreen's clinics this evening and he got all huffy because that might cost more. 20 bucks. God, he makes me so mad. Barely bumped my shin on something at work and looked down to find big blood stains running down my khaki pants.

AND I got a parking ticket. That will just have to be my little secret.

[Coach]

AND I got a parking ticket. That will just have to be my little secret.

Is that healthy?

[breakaway]

It is for me.

[breakaway]

Last week was perfectly horrible, had to keep trying to justify my need for medical attention as if I were a dog, the outside dog, who we were trying to decide if it was really worth taking to the vet. I turned out to have a very bad infection, and lucky for me, I only had to pay my regular copay. So H, said oh, then you made the right decision (because of the copay). That all culminated in a gigantic fight because I didn't send invitations to my son's birthday party this past weekend, I called people instead. All of a sudden, sending invitations is the be all, end all of civilized life on this planet. It was too stupid to even go into.

THEN, we had a totally awesome weekend. We did a bunch of work on the house together, without acrimony, went to the kids' games, got everything ready for a big sleepover, had a big party, he got up and made everyone a big breakfast...we watched football the rest of the day. Just relaxed and pleasant and happy. The kids were super happy.

Looking back over the last couple of weeks...I think the pattern really is that even when things are going well, he starts feeling tension rising. He was feeling tension about having people over...the drip drip drip starts...fault finding over nonsensical things, passive aggressive remarks (what?? I was just joking...can't you take a joke?) Drip drip, pick, pick, until we have a fight. He was so relieved after this fight, I could see it. He needed it. I don't need it however.

He's done some good things though, he was great with the party. And he sent me a youtube song by email. He's never done that before. I've tried sending him songs or jokes or whatever, and he won't even open it. Says he doesn't have time.

But he did it, and it was really sweet and personal, about being there for someone. I gave him lots of praise for all the good stuff. I am glad it's Monday though, because he can be kind of exhausting, even when he's in a good mood.

[breakaway]

Short update...we're trudging along. He's improved a lot...but his initial reactions to everything are always the "old way." And after long talks he sees what he's doing and we come back around to a more caring rational way. On a few occasions he stops himself first and realizes he's doing the negative behaviors and apologizes. On a few other occasions, I've asked him to use a different tone of voice with me, and he has given me the silent treatment instead.

All in all, I have to admit that I am tired of it. There is still not much relaxing and enjoying life, there is mostly just being prepared to manage behavior. Of course there is always something going on to add stress. My son broke his knee playing sports...my dad is having surgery for a newly discovered cancer...etc etc. I find I have to make a conscious effort to do positive things for myself or it is very easy to slide toward depression.

Good: H was able to offer sincere comfort over the sitch with my dad..

Bad: He has to nag my son endlessly about worrying about him eating too much or gaining weight while he's on crutches. S10 is having trouble with schoolwork though he is trying hard, and we argue quite a bit about how to handle it. He of course believes that the only way to handle it is to tell him what he's doing wrong over and over and over and over...because he says that's the only way people learn anything. And to discipline him when he forgets something. Needless to say I don't agree with that. I said that's the way to make someone a nervous wreck. (Like he is)

Anyway, I keep trying. And things are better. It's just very tiring.