The point I'm trying to make is, yes, DBing works.. it teaches us to be more accepting, to listen and to wait, to give them the benefit of the doubt that they just need to process their own emotions and that can take a long time (years not months)...to not knee jerk, cut all their clothes up, rush to the D courts or take a new bf to heal the hurt. Also, in the meantime, to rediscover yourself, work on any issues of your own, get your hobbies/life back and use the time to grow.
He did also say, there were things about our R that were making him unhappy and instead of talking to me and dealing with it, he stupidly didnt and just went in on himself and eventually snapped. He said this was wrong but partly to do with his depression and negative frame of mind, that he 'gave up'. I was too strong in the R and didnt listen to his opinion enough and also, me getting ill ALL the time and this dominating our life and me turning down invitations and him going out alone, led him to feel like a single man and it "ground him down". So theres never one reason why they leave and I accept that I was a PITA for a few years there, in some respects, but yes, he should have tried to talk to me instead of silently brooding and withdrawing.
But I firmly believe and he seems to agree, his decision to come back wasnt really to do with anything I did as such (except the key DB principle that I was still THERE, lovingly waiting and not done with him either)..but it was purely a very slow, as he said, internal process in himself, to work through his bereavement, MLC, depression, whatever and come round full circle.. back to what he knew he wanted all along. And yes that takes a few years in all and he's still recovering and a bit fragile at times, but its definetly behind us now. And I did use the time to work on my issues (14 months of C with three different therapists!!) and I am a better person for that I hope.
