Who is this person?

[Butterfly1]

It's really good. Do you even need to say "you can stay longer?" Even that could be perceived as pursuing. You could just give him a firm boundary that works for you and leave it at that.

[sandi2]

Sounds good to me. It doesn't sound rude or cold and yet you are not sounding like you are saying too much (IMHO). Since he seems to get angry very easily, I would try to be careful not to intentionally sound rude about the visitation. If his schedule suits your needs okay, then I would tell him that it is fine. But, be sure your Thanksgiving and any other holiday plans are worked into all of that. Both of you will have a tough time this year, and it is not going to be easy to give/take about the holidays. Be fair, but don't let him take advantage, either.

I am glad you explained more about the MC, etc. I am concerned about you fearing his anger. Have you discussed this with your IC? I hope you will make sure that his anger issues are well taken care of before any reconcilling is done or you will be walking on egg shells from then on. One thing about being S, you shouldn't have to be afraid of him! You should have to be at any time!

[Day by Day]

I still haven't responded to H's email on his proposed visitation schedule. Guess I'll say fine. It's seems fair and reasonable.

Tonight H stayed till 8:30pm. I had left a note along with his mail about a couple expenses I had that aren't covered by the money he gives me. He let the kids tell me that he won't pay it and I need to take it out of what he gives me for son's classes since son is not taking them. He said to let me know that he'll email me about it. H saw that I got a new tv and guess he assumed
I had extra money to buy it. My mom bought it for me. The $ for the classes won't cover the expenses. But haven't seen an email yet. I'll wait to see what he says.

I didn't want to hear about the concert but somehow D discussed it with him since her friend went and H mentioned that he sold his ticket to a male coworker.

I haven't discussed my fear of his anger with my IC. I think I was too blind with pain and my own anger before. But I will now. It's a huge obstacle for me whichever way this goes.

[sandi2]

Yes, I hope you will talk to your IC about his anger and how it is affecting you now.

[Day by Day]

Thanks Sandi,
I have been working on anger issues with my IC for a while now. Now it's not dealing with my own anger (although that's still a work in progress) it's dealing with anger directed at me. She was seeing it as a control issue on his part.

I need to get to responding to his email on visitation. He didn't put anything about the holidays and said we'd plan it as we go along.

I am struggling with not wanting contact with him at all. I feel like I'm getting this detaching all wrong. I know I shouldn't be cold towards him, but I'm feeling that way. I don't like the person he is presently. That's who I feel cold towards... the jerk that's inhabited his body. Compassion, compassion. Got to focus on the goal and not my hurts.

So, I'm thinking of just a simple reply of:

Schedule is fine.

Take care,
DBD

I don't really understand LRT and how I need to respond. Less is more, right? I just want to avoid any replies that appear angry.

[Day by Day]

Guess what I am thinking to write to him is fine? I noticed on the schedule that he let me know that the wknd of the Marine Corp marathon he will be studying instead. Hmm.

Journaling:
This NC feels like I'm mirroring the behavior he shows to me. The GAL as well. Like I'm treating him the same way he treats me. Of course seeing him GAL and the silent treatment has me shaken up, but I just hope it works the same for him.

I feel like he's a different case that he really has shut me out of his life. He holds grudges a long time and when there has been a reconciliation with other family members, someone else brought them together and it was pushed under the rug. His grandparents and mom were trying to get us together but he avoids them and doesn't want to talk about it. They have since quit trying.

I know, I've got to stay with the NC for a while longer because I just started it a wk ago and haven't seen any results yet. Anyhow it'll be easy this week since he's out of the country on a business trip. I'm sticking with the only ask once too. Learning quite a bit here from others' threads.

Just thinking out loud.

[Butterfly1]

Good job, keep us posted. And take care of yourself.

[Day by Day]

Reading other posts today, I realized I'm being a jerk myself by not replying to H's email on the proposed visitation schedule that he sent on Sunday (four days ago). Finally sent it with what I said I would. I was waiting to make sure I wrote it without pursuing or anger. But that was too long I fear.

I'm feeling good about the NC and understand that it is for myself. I feel like I'm getting stronger and healing from the meanness. I'm not getting hurt and able to think clearer. I just hope it doesn't cause him to feel even more reason to D because of the NC. He wanted his freedom, well now he has what he wants. I know... just wait and don't try to understand H's mind.

[sandi2]

I just hope it doesn't cause him to feel even more reason to D because of the NC.

No, it won't cause him more reason for a D. I agree with your C, I think that he uses showing his anger to control you. You have said enough in your posts to indicate how you judge every action based on whether or not it will make him angry. That is not the way to live life! How miserable that would be--to be M to a person that you had to worry if he was going to be angry with your all the time.

A week on NC feels like a long time to you, but it isn't much at all. He needs to "miss" you and the only way is NC.....and it will take time for it to start hitting him how much he misses you.

[Day by Day]

Sandi, I appreciate you pointing out my fear of anger. I had been going to C months before all of this happened because I was depressed. My C said it was because I needed to deal with my suppressed anger. I think I was almost a WAW, but H beat me to it.

I'm afraid of expressing my own anger because it feels like I only have two modes, totally suppressed or extreme anger--no in between. I get afraid when other's express their anger around me now--just seems so strong. I'm working on it. I want to be fair to my H in that I'm hyper-sensitive to his anger (or anyone else's).

We have now gotten over a week with NC. I'm doing fine. It's been easy this week though with all his work and traveling. He's dropped off contact with the kids though.

With the NC, this means to not be around when he picks up the kids, right? To be like a ghost? My C had told me to use those times he comes over to show that I'm doing fine and be all happy and looking great. That didn't seem to work much, so I'll try the NC at those times too. But I really wonder if he will miss me. Might take years.