Gotta Keep Trying 2

[givingitmyall]

From the perspective of a woman who has had and is still having to slay her own self-esteem demons ... it is absolutely her issue to work through. With all the love, good will, and generosity in the world, this is not anything you can POSSIBLY fix for her.

The continued compassion, that is your gift. And now that you have a suspicion about what you say vs. what she hears internally, I'm sure you can find ways to convey that you DO love her as is, where is. Imperfectly, just like the rest of us. Willingness is all.

I'm not sure I can find ways to convey I love her just like she is. I cannot tell her I love her b/c (a) this didn't work before and (b) right now, she doesn't want that oh, and (c) I'm not begging/pleading - that's unattractive.

I agree she has to work through this issue alone.

But, other than being compassionate (and that's my big take away from the discussion today), I'm not sure what else I can do.

[Dia]

Hi, GIMA,

I'll second pretty much everything everyone has said. I think W not sharing the big bed with you on the trip was about being afraid of sex rather than anything about you, personally.

I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to communicate to her that it would be 'safe' for her to come back to the Master bed. That you want her presence and company there, and you won't be expecting anything more than that. At some point, if this thing is going to work, she has to be willing to hear your needs and make some sort of attempt at meeting them.

I was scared and nervous when I started asking H for QT, but it worked almost every time.

Edit: Oh yeah, and next time you hold her hand for the blessing, maybe you could try kissing her hand before you let go. If you want to make a big deal of it, make eye contact at the same time. If you want to swing it under the radar, purposely look elsewhere (possibly while saying something to one of the kidlets), as if it's an ingrained habit for you to do this.

[givingitmyall]

Thanks Dia.

I almost said exactly what you suggested on this trip. I didn't b/c I thought it would sound desperate, almost needy.

I agree that at some point, I may have to talk about things moving in a certain direction - coming back to the bed, for one.

[Dia]

Thanks Dia.

I almost said exactly what you suggested on this trip. I didn't b/c I thought it would sound desperate, almost needy.

IMHO - that's all about delivery and being in a strong place when you say it.

[givingitmyall]

I realized today I have been focusing too much on the negative things of late. So, I thought I would list the positive things from the last few days at Disney.

-Had a great time with my kids.
-Saw my D-6 "bellydancing" at the Morrocan pavilion - made my trip.
-S-9 and I got to spend some "just us" time today doing things he wanted to do.
-W asked if she could make tea for me last night.
-W was very jovial tonight and was really making an effort to engage me in conversation.
-W has continually asked what I wanted to buy as my "treat" for the trip (kids and she have picked their things) - I am going to buy a Christmas ornament - one of our old traditions was to buy one of these for each Disney trip - and I'm going to get the kids to help me pick it out.
-I did not show my anger at times when many probably would have.
-I began feeling compassion in the place of that anger after learning from the posts today on my thread - great insight guys - thanks again.

[Kemper]

GIMA,

Sometimes it is so hard to focus on the positive aspects of the situation. I know I am guilty of focusing on the negatives. I was glad to read your post on the positives. Keep them coming...

[givingitmyall]

Thanks Kemper.

I haven't forgotten about you. I will check in on you tomorrow (or actually today now) when I get back home.

[mishka422]

Mishka was very courageous in her discussion of that topic. I am very interested to hear her insight on this.

My oh my...no pressure.

I'm not sure I have any insight to share because I honestly don't think there is anything anyone could do or say that would help me see a compliment as anything positive. It's more about the perception. I do like what GAG had to say about the strategy of having your W's back if her father starts to criticize her if front of you. Trust me, that would have made me feel very protected and safe. For most women, feeling protected equates to feeling loved. We may talk all liberated and crap but deep down we are one step away from those cave women being dragged by the hair.

I'm so glad to see you looking at the positives GIMA. These are all very good steps, wonderful memories, and quality time. Enjoy!

[Kemper]

No issues GIMA. I just hope you are enjoying your time at Disney and having fun with the kids. Like you have told me everything else is water off a ducks back.

Not sure when your trip back is but have a safe one.

[Energizer Bunny]

I realized today I have been focusing too much on the negative things of late. So, I thought I would list the positive things ...

This is a good exercise and a good reminder for me to do the same too.
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Some of my best memories or our last Disney trip are of my S dancing around Morocco. Kids love that music!