Hope things are going better in Pittsburgh this week and you get some rest and time away. I don't think you are asking for much: Mutual respect, love, caring and understanding. I would settle for nice and normal. It is amazing to me how much they rebel like teenagers. I have taken over as part of the mothering role. Getting kids to all practices, managing their schedules. Her excuse, I took care of the kids for 10 years now it's daddy's turn. Everything turns into a competition with her. Now it is all about her self depricating humor. She will say, sorry I am not as smart as daddy in math, I can't cook as good as daddy,I am not as perfect as daddy. I am just trying to keep this household together during this mess.
Tonight my son comes down and asks me why I sleep on the couch. Is it because of me and mommy fighting. I hate to keep lying to him. It just kills me knowing the pain he will go through. How he will now be "different" when we divorce. I am using the term when now, because that is what gets me through. Just trying to accept she is gone. Gina, I really don't know who this person is that I married. She is searching for this identity and destroying everything at all costs. Just like your husband, it is only about them and no one elses feelings. Certainly not yours or your daughters.
I had to tell her tonight that beauty is only skin deep. I asked her to just stop being mean. She can be just evil sometimes. I said that I am saddened if this is part of the person she is trying to become.
The one thing Gina that keeps ringing over and over in my head is that you can't make them love us again. We can't change them. How long can you and I hold on? It isn't fair to us. It isn't fair to our kids. I don't know Gina about your husband and his adhd. I know we want to look for all these excuses for their behavior. They are who they are now. We can love them from afar for only so long. I know you and I are not calling it yet, but we can't just let this go on for years. Our kids and us deserve to see love.
My wife takes the strongest dosage of effexor. I wanted to blame it on her depression, her temper. She drinks 3 to 4 glasses of wine a night, with a sleeping pill and her antidepressants. I wanted to think it was because she is becoming an alcoholic as well. I can see how her demeanor changes as soon as she has that second glass of wine. She all of a sudden will get happy. Then something I did, said, etc..will bring that change. Like she has been waiting all day for the evilness to come out. I do walk away sometimes. Tonight I couldn't. The things she accused me of were so vulgar, I had to question her stability.
I just think that it is who they are now. Selfish, mean, uncaring. I do see it now that the person she is now is something that has been trying to come out of her for a long time. I can see she was holding it down for years. This person is ugly inside.
Tomorrow is another day. Another day to show my kids I love them. That is a gift we do have. I know you are doing the same.
Hang in there Gina. You are strong. You have made it this far.
Take Care,
Danny.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
