I have to keep remembering that, stuck. Funny that my W did that for me and how sometimes I'm so ready to give up when she didn't. And your signature quote is a great one, too. Thanks for the inspiration.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Hi folks! My day was longer than I expected so not much time to write this evening.
GIMA and MA Holm, thank you VERY much for your masculine perspectives! We girls really appreciate your feedback and perspectives. MA, I have to admit that I am a bit surprised at your list for the reasons you stated. In your experience do a lot of men have these items on THEIR lists? GIMA, I'm following your thread's discussion of LLs. It's VERY interesting!
Mishka, Cas, LR, and BC, thanks for stopping by. Your input is always welcome.
GAG
They are things I didn't know I needed until they were gone. I think they're important for all people, not just men or women. I didn't grow up with a lot of affection and I see the effect that my solitary attitude has had on my M. I missed the opportunity to be an affectionate person.
My w gave up even hoping that I could be affectionate, that I could even want those things. She thinks that for me to change would alter my personality too much that I wouldn't even be the same person. My actions aren't me, though. I just wish I had the chance to do those things. That's a 180 I can't try out on my W. But I can be closer and more affectionate to other people in my life. That change isn't for her benefit, it's for me.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Thank you SO much for your words of encouragement and your insights. They have really helped me this morning as I get ready to drive to work.
You are RIGHT that H has maintained contact with me and our little "girl" (cat --- he calls her "the queen") even though he doesn't need to at this point. The metaphor of the beacon is very helpful to me, although behind closed doors I am having meltdowns as the day approaches. I was better a few months ago.
I hope to familiarize myself with all of your sitches over the weekend. I am most familiar with yours, LR. I'm amazed that you've managed to turn yours so far around. How long has this taken?
ILYBINILWY speech May 09, Left for two weeks trial separation Aug 09 and never came back, came up three weekends for alloted hours of 10-3 wall still firmly intact and I wasnt getting any more than those hours. Started NC and only ever emailed him about financial things and once a week when he phoned gave him the bare essentials. Then didnt see him for a month, then out of the blue he asked to visit, tbh I thought I was going to be told about the OW but no, I played footlose, sexy sassy rabbit and reeled him in, then let him go again with NC, he was baby sitting our little girlie (he calls her babycakes) the following weekend, but bless her she had a nasty accident and he came up for five nights, planned only four but accepted my invitation to stay when he was obviously shattered, the let him go again not expecting to see him for ten days, he even rang and said he might make it eleven and to be honest as we had ML four times over that period I though right NO CAKE EATING Im done with you! So you could have run me over with a bus when he msn'd me and said he wanted to find out if we still had IT, its extremely early early days and I still really dont know what he is really trying to do I am just going with the flow day by day so its been about six months now so we will see!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thanks for the thumbnail sketch of your sitch. I have been reading on your thread today. Please don't be discouraged. I agree with Nell and Dia. H is a bit scared. Just keep showing him the new and improved Rabbit. You have made incredible progress.
In my sitch, my H's sister will be visiting from out of state next weekend (she normally visits her brother and mother here (father passed away several years ago) about twice a year. She e-mailed me to ask me for lunch when she visits. We haven't communicated much since the bomb. She wanted to keep out of the situation, I presume so as not to interfere, but perhaps with D-day approaching she thought it was time to make contact.
Can anyone who has had experience with this type of situation offer advice?
GAG, just reading up on your sitch and I have to say that it is a positive that your H stays in contact with you. Even though my H and I are still under the same roof, seems like you talk to yours more than mine will talk to me; so, proximity ISN'T everything! Sure hope you can reel him in in some way before your Dday. Will keep reading up on your sitch and keep my fingers crossed for you.
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
Thank you for your perspective. I'm sorry that your H is not communicating........ at least verbally, with you. Is there any positive non-verbal communication? Don't discount the non-verbal communication. My H didn't begin communicating with me much until I left the job that he despised 5 months after the bomb. I suppose my previous job (60 hr/wk) was my OM in a way. Are there any major 180s you can do to get your H to begin letting down his defenses? The job change was a MAJOR change for me. It took me about 8 weeks for me to make this decision.
Thanks for your good wishes for my sitch.I am praying for my H everyday.
Hey GAG..I think I found you at last! Is this yuor current thread?
You probably know from my thread, but I would say that extended friends and family were HUGELY beneficial to my sitch and even pivotal to him feeling comfortable to come back (but they do have to WANT to, as I have said before, the love has to still be there)... but, its all part of that smooth and paved path home.
I kept in touch with SIL purely because I wanted to keep connections to his family.. and of course they report back, so its a good opportunity to DB! Look your best, be positive.. and I always talked about bf in a vague way, with a big smile as though he was still in my life and all was cool.. it encourages them to open up and give you valuable insight too, so if they know anything they are more likely to help.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
GAG you have the male perspective, but what do you females want? If you were a WAW how could a LBH win your heart? My W LL is words of affirmation followed by acts of service.
Also it would help to throw in some romantic things to catch them off guard.
Welcome!!!!!!!!!! Yes, this is my current thread. I lurked on your thread for so many months and learned a LOT from the compassion that you showed your BF. I really value your feedback, especially since it seems that there is some similarity between our "men". Jody finally told me at our last visit that she thinks my H is clinically depressed.
Your insights about keeping in touch with your BF's family is very much appreciated. I am intrigued by the approach you used: " I always talked about bf in a vague way, with a big smile as though he was still in my life and all was cool". Did you do this even when you knew there was an OW? My H has been decreasing communication for the last 1-2 weeks. In my head I think that he's preparing for D-day by pulling away, but I don't know that for sure. Do you think that I should initiate communication?
I have been trying to figure out what approach I should use with SIL on saturday. I'm wondering if with the Dday approaching 3 1/2 weeks away now, this strategy still makes sense in my sitch.
Jody and I planned the following for my lunch with SIL, knowing that everything I say will be communicated back to H:
1) Tell SIL that I expect that H has probably dated since the separation began. This is something that I understand occurs when people are separated. This will help to remove this as a barrier to H feeling too guilty about his dating OW to consider dating me again.
2)Forgiveness: I have found the separation to be halthy and personally enlightening. When I realized I was holding resentment to H, I took steps to release that. That has been my process for forgiving H for leaving me AND forgiving myself for doing the things that contributed to pushing us apart.
Any additional suggestions or insights you have would be appreciated.
