I met with one of our priests who my W met with before C. The priest told me when W approached her, W already had her mind made up. I suspect the C was really for her to prepare for her grief.
I met with one of our priests who my W met with before C. The priest told me when W approached her, W already had her mind made up. I suspect the C was really for her to prepare for her grief.
That was then. This is now. She still hasn't taken any steps to initiate D, right?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
You know, it's not about being "right" about our loved ones or their motivations.
It's about expanding our mental stories to include AT LEAST the *possibility* that, indeed, they may have perfectly sensible reasons to act and react the way they do. And getting the hell out of the Center-Of-The-Universe chair, (variant: It's-All-Our-Fault chair) which we are *all* inclined to reside in.
The name of the game is compassion. Not at our eternal expense. We all still retain the right to decide what we can and will tolerate, for our own health, which is *just* as important as anyone else's. It's all in the realization that everyone struggles together, everyone shares some pain from their past. Recognizing that shared humanity, and honoring it, regardless of what we -- and they -- decide.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Sorry my last post from earlier was so cryptic. I was trying to post between patients and posted in a hurry.
The point I was trying to make was that if you can figure out whether or not your W's comment about overpaying for ice cream pushes a button that you have (I don't know whether this is the case --- you're the only person who knows this) then that knowledge gives you some control over the dynamic that your W's criticisms create. Understanding the reason your W might make these criticisms can give you compassion for this part of her personality, BUT understanding how and WHY they impact you as they do, gives you some control over this dynamic. Just my 2 cents. The example I (ineffectively) tried to present was meant to give an example from my sitch, but I think I only managed to confuse folks (I even confused myself ).
This has all helped me a great deal. Thanks so much for your posts.
I was walking around Disney today with my family, and something hit me (I was reading and posting on my blackberry - in a very thoughtful mood). It has to do with one of the many statements my W made the night she told me she wanted a D that has been burned into my memory. She said "Why couldn't you just love me for me." At the time, I had no idea what she was talking about. And until today, I still had no idea.
Understand, I am not perfect, but failing to tell my W I loved her or that she was beautiful (even when she was just wearing whatever around the house on a weekend), was not one of my shortcomings. If anything, I told her those things too often.
In thinking about the posts from today, it seems her statement of me not loving her for her is only understandable if she is insecure (which I think she is) and perceived my compliments as statements that were anything but compliments. If she thought when I told her she looked great, that what I meant was finally you look good after me having to see you not nice looking for so many days, then her perception would certainly be I did not love her for her. I cannot tell you how wrong she would be to have that perception, but I understand her perception is all that matters right now.
Am I making any sense and am I on the right track here? If I am on the right track, is this something she will have to solve on her own?
Your summation sounds correct to me. What does everyone else think?
Re: your question about whether W has to work through this issue alone.....I sensed an implied question of whether you can do anything to facilitate her movement toward that goal. Mishka was very courageous in her discussion of that topic. I am very interested to hear her insight on this. One possible strategy that occurs to me might be for you to take your W's back, rather than remaining neutral (I'm just guessing that this is the position you take with the in-laws) in interactions with your in-laws. If your W feels criticized by her father, she might really stand up and take notice if you "defended" her in this context. One thing I really loved about my H was that he always had my back......What does everyone else think about this strategy?
From the perspective of a woman who has had and is still having to slay her own self-esteem demons ... it is absolutely her issue to work through. With all the love, good will, and generosity in the world, this is not anything you can POSSIBLY fix for her.
The continued compassion, that is your gift. And now that you have a suspicion about what you say vs. what she hears internally, I'm sure you can find ways to convey that you DO love her as is, where is. Imperfectly, just like the rest of us. Willingness is all.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
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