W wants to separate

[sandi2]

Hi NAGL, welcome to our community. I was almost a WAW, so I can identify with a lot of what your W may be going through. Michele has an article here on the board's home page about the symptoms of a WAW. I think if you read that, it would help you understand your W's feelings.

Were you the one that decided to sleep in the guest bedroom or did your W ask you to leave your bedroom?

You are in a tough spot since you have so little time at home. I think that probably was the beginning of some of her problems. I can't imagine how hard it would be on a young W and mother to not see her H until after 8:00 at night. Anyway, you are where you are, and this is the place you have to start working. What seems to be the opposite thing to do--is what you really need to do now....b/c her feelings about you have changed. The things you should have been doing....seems too late now...in her mind.

I think the first thing you need to work on is to show a very upbeat mood when you are around her. Nobody wants to be around a moody, sad, depressed person. Everyone enjoys being around a person who loves life and is fun to be around. So, try to do things that are "fun". Every woman loves to see a man play with her child and make her child laugh. So, need I say anymore about that?

Since the two of you have had such little time at the end of the day.....I would caution you about not sounding cold or too curt when you speak to her. I don't think it hurts to show that you are interested in what she has to say.....in fact, I think that is very important. When she talks to you, look straight into her eyes. Stop what you are doing....and look directly into her eyes. That tells her that you truly care about what she is saying.

Valadite her when she talks. And if you aren't sure what to say when she's talking, ask her how that made her feel.....or just say "that must have made you feel________". Then she knows you are showing compassion and understanding her. Always be on her "side". Never critisize her. Again...valadate her every chance you get when she is talking. Completementing her is good, but you have to be rather clever about it. In other words, instead of completmenting her about her looks.....when she is talking about something...find something in that conversation that you could tell her that she was good at doing. Know what I am trying to say? She is used to being complemented on how she looks. She wants you to notice things she does in other situations. Some men just don't know how to give a good complement and it almost turns a woman off! So, if you are one of those men....let me know and maybe I can offer some suggestions (lol).

In trying to keep things upbeat and fun, I would stay away from serious movies. Watch funny things on TV & movies. Be with other couples/families who are good to be around and doesn't pull the two of you down. She sure doesn't need to be around another couple who are having M problems.

Don't fall into the trap (and it is a trap) of a R talk. You will want to.....and she'll set a trap for you....but do not talk about the M. It will serve you no good and will add more damage each time. Talk will hurt....actions will prove...and time will heal.

Even though the DR book makes suggestions and we make suggestions, do whatever works. In other words, if you have always gone out with buddies, and that is a sore spot for her.....you may want to rethink that. You don't want to do something that is going to make matters worse. But that is just an example I gave. The book talks about cheeseless tunnels...and you don't want to be like a mouse going down some tunnel that doesn't have any cheese, right?

I have a list I want to share with you and hope it will help. If you don't understand any of it, let me know.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing" and then smile. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’t act like you are pouting. Don't be rude or act cold!!
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look at her/him in the eyes when he/she are talking to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.