Detachment

[25yearsmlc]

I believe you Antlers, I really do. But you must remember not to get too bitter b/c then she sort of "wins" more. Know what I mean? Women are the ones I usually hear all about this from and boy is that a NON attractive scene.

Sounds like you must have a "long term m" (in Ca 10 years is a guideline min for long term) and it's a community property state...

This isn't a contest, okay? But let me throw out some other scenarios so you can see how often this goes different ways and it ends up depending lots on who files (IN THE MINDS OF THE LBSer) but in the court's eyes it's as if you two mutually agreed "amicably" to go your separate ways... welcome to no fault divorce...

I'm a doc's wife who put her h thru the whole shebang...heck, he was in another school when we met, NOT med school... and we've seen our share of wives putting the guy thru med school, starving, and then residency, starving some more, and then just as the brass ring is within reach, the MD h decides he has "outgrown" the wife/kids and leaves for the younger nurse or other female doctor, and the 1st w gets paid based on the pennies he was earning as a resident at the time of div. She gets nothing for the career she gave up, or the retirement fund she does NOT have, or the income she did not earn thanks to the promotion she had to turn down what with the kids around needing her and not having an available dad, so all she could do was 2 jobs at once, and limited HER future b/c "hey, they were in this together"... Nice...(you would not believe how many couples we know who've had this happen.)

Or my own family -in which I have 2 sisters who div with remarkably diff experiences, based on diff states and diff situations. Fair? um, you decide.

Sister/Div #1 was for my younger sister who was married a total of 13 years. She married a pilot who was a college grad at the time of M. She never worked in the M, and never had kids...she finished college during the M while he supported her. They moved often. Then h div her for OW, and my younger sister got 1/3 of his military retirement (regardless of whether she remarries as it is not spousal support; it's "retirement"), and half the assets at div, AND a significant amount of "transitional income" for 3 years to "get on her feet" b/c she fell apart and imho he signed out of guilt, I think...and I'm glad for my sister BUT then I look at my older sister who put a lot more into her m, figuratively and financially and time wise and physically and got really nothing...(but great kids!).

Yeah My older sister was married 22 years, (not 13) worked the WHOLE time and FULL time as a nurse, AND had 3 kids AND got NO retirement from her L h, and SHE put her h thru law school so HE can now earn 6 figures but she got no spousal income but $100 per month based on his BEFORE law school income (WTH??) ...she also cashed in her 401k for his last year's tuition....AND he cheated on her, she forgave him and then he AGAIN cheated on her and he div her for OW and left the m with his newly found high income potential and no debts too...nice.

That same Ex BIL earns more than my sister AND her new h combined, and ex bil came into the marriage as a sales guy making $50k a year. Left it quite a bit wealthier...I can't explain the discrepancy to my older sister. BTW, she's not bitter. My younger sister is bitter, and always negative, whereas my older sister is among the most contented women I know. She's happily M too. Maybe that's why!

My point is I hear these injustices all the time. They go both ways and besides, really, is it a contest? Is it a "war between the sexes"? OF course not and I know you know this....

fwiw, my lawyer x bil who married OW a woman he NOW refers to as "high maintenance"...well that x bil is miserable but it took him 2 years to stop saying "I'm happier!!" Two years of my older sister getting the floor yanked out from under her feet & seeing him go on vacations and buying a new car...getting a tattoo in a "hidden" place and red sports car with a vanity plate...

BUT her happiness is all I care about (though I admit I do gloat now and then...) she has remarried someone who "gets" her and she is happier now than she ever was with #1 h, sorry to say.

yeah, it took two+ years for him to get that he wasn't so dang happy after all and maybe, maybe it wasn't my sister or the kids or his job or some other EXTERNAL thing that wasn't clicking right for him...maybe it's something internal...he is seeing a c now and a mc with his new wife.

My sister is kind to her ex, but feels sorry for him in a detached sort of way. Make sense? I'm saying there is sometimes justice but it may not be in your wallet...

Oh, Child support is something the courts say you owe b/c you have kids. Not b/c the ex w "needs" it. The state does not want to pay for svcs, and the kids are supposed to be "the bounty of your wealth" etc....

IOW She could win the lottery and not NEED a cent but the court would still say you owe your share b/c hey, they're your kids, right? It's the spousal support that you may be wondering about. Sorry that I don't remember how long you've been M, and I'm assuming you are in CAL but I don't know why I assume that, but 10 years is a guideline in Cal and what I know here is b/c of my h's MLC and my poss div so I did some reading on it obviously. I also hired a good L I liked a lot. But thanks to her, I only filed for a sep, mostly to protect our assets from his "MLC fevers"... I did some research but even I, as a L, hired one of my own. I'd never dream of a "do it yourself" Div for a couple reasons--#1 KIDS, and we do have some assets and that matters...I don't want to see them squandered.

I realize others may feel diff and that's fine.

But since you live in this state you know the laws already. Um, have you discucssed with your L the idea of having a clause in the div that says "cohabitation" = remarriage and ALL spousal support stops then? Also if she remarries OM then his income will count though I don't recall the formula of if he has kids too...what a mess...

I hesistate to say more here on this topic despite having some understanding of it, b/c it obviously gets construed as actual legal advice and it's NOT meant as such, so forgive me if that has confused you as it has others. I am not giving legal advice here, and it has been a long time since I rep anyone on Div law and never "specialized" or became certified in it.

But I'm so glad you like your L!! Given that, have them explain things so you don't feel so victimized. Feeling like a victim slows YOUR progess and happiness which is the focus now, right?

And you are mind reading & projecting a lot...as if "She's having great sex ALL the time, and he always makes her laugh, he ALWAYS knows just what she is thinking/feeling and she never even has to tell him BUT he also loves to listen to her, and he is NEVER wrong or annoying and that is the ONLY kind of memory she has of me, b/c she was ALWAYS unhappy with me and blah blah blah..." Come on, there are things she'll miss about you, trust me on that. He cannot be perfect. He is not.

You will have your moments in her heart and mind but the more you want to hear about them or wonder, the more she'll shut them down. She has to right now so she can feel good about the choices. Don't force her to defend the choices, by challenging them. Accept them and be on your way. I KNOW one thing for sure as a woman. No way will she not ever wonder or 2nd guess herself if she's the one breaking up a family, which she is...no way. And no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children --with their own father. Keep being the best dad you can be b/c you are irreplaceable...

So you let her hear that voice in her head, don't block it out by using a parental voice telling her she's wrong and selfish and blah blah blah...let her figure this out. I'm so sorry but it may take her a few years to get it. It may well be too late but that is not your problem or responsibility...

This too, shall pass.
((( j )))