Trying to save my M. W not really trying though.

[Ready2Change]

One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.

Or in other words, what you do to prevent D will most likely bring the D about.

That is why DBing is important. Take control of your thoughts, actions and words. If you want D, then file. If you do not want D, you can still protect yourself and let S do all the work if she chooses to D you. It is your choice. Make the best decision for you. Accept the natural consequences.

I let W do all the work, but still protected myself with a good A. I chose not to argue with W. I had A argue. I am still assertive with MsR2C.

[AlexEN]

I just posted this on the infidelity forum:

OM's W just called me. Said how difficult it was to call me, verified that she got my messages & asked if we could "just drop it". I said sure & apologized for bothering her. I feel bad now. But at least I know.

You feel badly because you know (all-too-well) the pain she is likely feeling. But, IMO, you did the right thing. Remember, you didn't cause her pain, you were the messenger (and one who is in the same boat as she). I know I'm stating the obivious, but I do to remind you that it's more likely than not (because it appears to be part of the "script") that others will try to make you feel guilty about this or, alternatively, that if you had a "chance" before, because you did this now you do not. Don't believe it... She had a right to know...

[etrain]

Amen, R2C. No more snooping or worrying about the A. I've done all I could with regards to that.
Now it's all about DB'ing, GALing, & taking control of my own life...no matter how the R turns out.

Thanks Alex. Your post puts things in their proper perspective. I think I did the right thing by notifying OMW.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I just posted this on the infidelity forum:

OM's W just called me. Said how difficult it was to call me, verified that she got my messages & asked if we could "just drop it". I said sure & apologized for bothering her. I feel bad now. But at least I know.

You feel badly because you know (all-too-well) the pain she is likely feeling. But, IMO, you did the right thing. Remember, you didn't cause her pain, you were the messenger (and one who is in the same boat as she). I know I'm stating the obivious, but I do to remind you that it's more likely than not (because it appears to be part of the "script") that others will try to make you feel guilty about this or, alternatively, that if you had a "chance" before, because you did this now you do not. Don't believe it... She had a right to know...

What Alex said. ^

E, you did what you had to do, and that's her choice and you need to respect it now. She may re-approach you in the future; for now, let it lie, and you can rest well tonite knowing your conscience is clear.

Puppy

[Steve McQueen]

Whats going on on the home front?

Thanks for documenting the aftermath of 'destroying the fantasy' for those to afraid to.

I think the 'Saint Susan' behavior is a response to the destroyed fantasy, where 'they' think they can easily go back to the way things were as if this never happened by pretending they are the perfect spouse. The other side of the coin being they freak out in anger on you and try to make 'you' out to be the bad guy.

Have you had the 'relationship' talk where she wants to begin working on the marriage yet?

[etrain]

Whats going on on the home front?

Have you had the 'relationship' talk where she wants to begin working on the marriage yet?

Nothing is going on. W is still spending a lot of time at home doing "normal" things around the house...cooking, cleaning, occasionally wanting me to watch TV with her. Sharp contrast to the past few weeks where she'd come up with a reason to get out of the house almost every evening.
We're still living more as roommates than H&W.

No relationship talk. No seperation talk. I'll let her initiate those discussions. Last week, W mentioned cashing in part of her 401K to pay for her moving out, so maybe she's waiting to receive that $$ before we have "the talk". I just don't know.

[Steve McQueen]

whats your "SCRIPT" when she does initiate that discussion?

[etrain]

I haven't given it a ton of thought but I have a general idea what I'll say.

If she brings up S talk, I'll listen to what she says. Then say I need a couple days to look things over before I agree to anything. With custody concerns, financial concerns, & a house, I'm not rushing to agree with anything until I have ample time to dig into the numbers.

If she brings up R talk, I'm not sure what I'll say. The A has left me very jaded. I'll bring up the fact that I'm not sure what I want to do right now, because the A betrayed my trust in her. It will take a LONG time for me to get past that, if I EVER can. There would have to be 100% transparency and a 100% committment on her part.

I guess my main focus is to take things slow & not react emotionally.
I'd appreciate any other advice you guys can give.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

E,

I like your first response, although I don't know if I would even say "a few days." Just tell her "I'll need some time, and will get back to you."

As to the R talk, if she brings it up you should say "There's really nothing to talk about at this point. Any conversation is either going to be about our current relationship, or about the potential end of our marriage. I won't discuss the current R so long as there's a 3rd person in it, and I really think the other is best left for the lawyers, if it comes to that."

or,

"I will not discuss our marriage as long as you're having an affair. End your affair, and I think you'll find that I'm willing to talk about any and all issues, including mine."

Puppy

[etrain]

Solid advice as usual, PDT.
That is a "stronger" answer than the one I posted. And it's exactly how I feel. I cannot discuss anything as long as there's an A going on....and I cannot assume that contacting OMW has ended it. Cheaters lie.