8 months into it, first post

[Ready2Change]

I think you did the right thing. You want to show her (in your actions)that you are moving on without her.

This is a fine line for us to walk. Projecting that you do not NEED her to be happy. Drawing her to you with your confidence, happiness, and new found sex appeal are key. At the same time, letting them know that we care for them without being needy.

[EJohn]

Just got home after the Children in the Middle Class. It was a good class. Our time together was nice. Lots of eye contact, laughing and flirting. Everything felt like it used to. She touched me a few times, and offered to get me water and snacks from the table.

On the way home, we talked about what we saw in class, and it progressed into a R talk. Not a real heavy one, but enough info came out. Got the "I just don't want to be committed to anyone right now." I told her I was still struggling with the concept of being with her again. I told her that I don't want the divorce, don't think it's a solution, but if that is what she wants, I won't hate her for it (goes with the parenting class, I want to be a good co-parent). Also told her that I'm happy on my own, but I have enough regrets in my life, and I don't want this to be another one. She said we can postpone the divorce. I agreed, although I will have a deadline (in my mind), if she doesn't have it together by then, I think I'll be able to walk away without regret, or at least less regret.

I can mentally wait longer. We'll see how far my patience can stretch. So I'll keep on with what I'm doing now, no contact and just being the best me I can be. That is all I can control.

[EJohn]

Idk, the "I just don't want to be committed to anyone right now" has been bugging me all day. Makes me feel like a back up plan. That is what marriage is all about, committment. How do I know if we actually patch things up, just to have her do it again in a few years. This is her problem, she's done it to more than me, so I've got to move on. I'm not angry with her anymore, just want off the roller coaster. The kids are happy.

[EJohn]

I read thru other's posts, and have hope and despair. When I read thru the ones that have some success building, I feel hope, but then I read some have a similar stitch, and it's 3 years later before they R or even talk civil, it's despair.

When I read the ones that talk about how much they just want their spouse to touch them, even in the very slightest way, I feel hope and despair at the same time.

When we were at the class, we sat next to each other, and it almost felt high school (comments made on the video's bad acting), and occasionally, she'd hit my foot with hers, not accidental, but obviously purposeful. There wasn't a pulling away, and she dressed very nice, and was putting on her makeup while we were driving there (time constraint)

I just don't know if she's leading me on, or if she's actually considering what she's doing. I'm torn between being the friend, the person that I've always been, or a person that just pulls away and acts like she doesn't exist.

[Ready2Change]

I just don't know if she's leading me on, or if she's actually considering what she's doing. I'm torn between being the friend, the person that I've always been, or a person that just pulls away and acts like she doesn't exist.

Keep making positive change. Lots of small positive changes is what you need to focus on.

Here are some of positive change I made: Patience, Forgiveness, Empathy, Listing, Validating, Understanding, Boundaries, Compassion, Flirting, Seduction, Shopping, Style, Support,Being the best Dad I can be....commitment to personal growth.

[sandi2]

Often think "what would I do if we didn't have kids?" Just don't know today.

I understand what you mean, but that doesn't do you any good to wonder "what if". You need to deal with the facts. Fact is....you do have children. The next fact is that your W is attracted to OM and she does want a M simply as a backup plan. So, what are you going to do about that? My suggestion is to drop the rope and move on as if she would not be a part of your life any longer. It is all about attitude....can you do that?

[EJohn]

After thinking about it all weekend, I told the lawyer today not to do the 90 day set aside. I will progress with the divorce. If she doesn't want to divorce like she claims, then there should be some action on her part. Before the meeting, I thought that the next court date was the end, but the lawyer said that it could still take another year depending on if there is a fight or not over placement and property. I think she will be resistant when she realizes that she will not be getting as much money from me as she thought she would. I'm not looking to cripple her. No interest in that, I've let go of the hate. I just want an even split of the assets, debts, and equal time with the children. Should get interesting in the next few weeks.

[EJohn]

Today was interesting. She bowls on Wednesdays, and her babysitter wasn't available, according to her. She asked if I'd watch the kids at her house, and I accepted of course.

I checked my facebook when I got home, and one of her friends (one that she doesn't know has been talking to me) sends me a message saying this was her wall post. "Have to bowl tonite and my wonderful EX hubby agreed to watch the babies for me for two hours!! He's the best! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I mean really? Does she think she's pulled a fast one on me? Of course I'm going to watch the kids, if I didn't, then she could use that against me in court. AND they're my kids, I want them everyday. Just amazes me. It's like she doesn't think when she does that type of stuff, good friends of mine will see it.

She's also asked me to go with her and the kids to Mall of America sometime this winter for a weekend. The OM probably doesn't want to split the cost with her, so I'm sure that's the reason. Just annoying.

[EJohn]

Earlier this week, I made it sound like I had a girlfriend, jokingly. This morning, we were emailing back and forth about the school halloween party on Friday, and she jokingly asked if my girlfriend was coming. I flat out told her that I just said that because she has a boyfriend, and that it'll be a long time after our divorce is final before I'd consider anyone a girlfriend. This is her response:

"The situation with the BF is as follows....he is useful, thats it. I have told him many times I am not looking for a "commitment" and I do talk and spend time with other ppl...date so to speak.
I would rather we NOT go through with the divorce at this time. I have no issues in canceling the $160.00 a month or whatever. $$ means nothing to me....I want to wait.
I want u to date and hang with other woman."

So I'm supposed to date other people so she doesn't have to feel guilty?

I told her that she would have to talk to her lawyer because I told mine to proceed (which I did). She actually called hers. We'll see if I get a call from mine about it.

I just have this feeling that she still thinks it's ok to run around, and that I'll just take her back when she's done playing. It's like she has this evil plan, and if she waits it out a while longer, she'd have more ammo in the divorce. I still want to keep my family together, but I thinks it's in my best interest to proceed with the divorce. She might be one of those that will only wake up once its reality.

[EJohn]

journaling...

Spoke with my lawyer the other day, and her lawyer is actually writing up the 90 day set aside. I was calling my WAW's bluff. Didn't think she'd actually do it. But she did, now it's in my hands to decide if I want to go thru with it. I do want my marriage to survive, but it's tough to put up with all the script, as you all know.

Last Thursday, the day after the boyfriend email, we were emailing each other about our D because she was sick. Then out of the blue, she writes that a particular song reminds her of us. Pretty much a wtf moment for me. I read the lyrics and could see some of it. I responded by telling her that Dead Memories (Slipknot) was more fitting. She said that hers was closer, which in turn I said that it depends on who's perspective, because its Dead Memories for me, cause that's all that is left. She responded by asking that we get a babysitter so that we could talk. (seems the only times she makes the slightest little turn around is when I put the finality of divorce in the picture, or at least when I'm able to make it sound like it's my decision)

The next day we were meant to go to a wake together (friend's father had died) instead of the school halloween party. Babysitter was lined up, and I had prepared myself for a heavy evening. Mid day, she calls and says she can't make it because she had the flu. She had been ill when she dropped the kids off by me in the morning. Some bad stuff going around. Either way, the talk never happened, I haven't brought it up, and she is basically back to what she was before.

Yesterday she invited me over for supper and if I'd watch the kids while she bowled tonight. I was a bit leary at first after the last time I did that for her with her facebook remark. But the way I see it, I get to see my kids and also show that I am so much better than the OM. I will not resort back to the me that came out after the bomb.

I did take care of the kids tonight. She made a nice supper, even offered me a glass of wine (she never drank it before we split) I had a great time with the kids while she was home, very happy and upbeat. She left and took D with her, I stayed home with S. We had a good evening just the two of us. She got back, and I thought maybe she'd want to have the R talk with the kids in bed. Didn't get the vibe from her so I left, didn't hang around or wait.

Next time, she'll have to bring the kids by me. I've been strong with being at "her" house, but I do not want to be there for hours with OM's crap in the house. Gotta set that boundary.