This day I have personally come to reassess where I/we are, and what seems to work in communicating with my WAW.
I came to the conclusion of Validate, Validate, ......
I came to the conclusion that I will generally only respond to her words with ' I can understand.... or It must be hard.....I can see.....'
I came to the conclusion that I will not discuss back to her, I would allow her to continue expressing herself until she stops, and then respond with the above.
I came to the conclusion that I MUST Listen, Listen, Listen.....
I came to the conclusion that Men try to 'fix' things, Women talk about and around things. And this talking is their way of seeking support.
I came to the conclusion that my WAW has been seeking for my support for the past few years, and that I should provide that support in the manner that SHE wants - not how I think she needs supporting. I/men try to provide practical ways of support - women need emotional support more.
These are the conclusions I came to at work today.
Today my WAW picked up my boys from school and stayed with them at the family home till I arrived from work at 10pm. She intended to make a few phone calls, have a bath and complete some college work.
She succeeded in having a bath and winding herself up only. The kids played up as they can, they had tea late and then wouldn't go to bed. But, earlier in the day, the youngest said that he didn't want his mum to pick him up from school, as she won't let them play out. And it also turned out that both kids had said to her that they didn't want to be with her at her brothers, that they wanted to be at home with dad.
So...... I came home tonight determined to try out my new conclusions that I stated before.
I could see in her face that she was p**sed off and frustrated when I walked in.
And off she went, venting her frustrations and anger. Some of it was my fault she said as I let them play out, and I seem to give them more freedom - even though I am the boundary setter and chief enforcer with the boys. I gave her the 'I can understand.... or It must be hard.....I can see.....' She told me how she had gotten nothing done as per her plans because of the kids and how if she came back she would still get nothing done. I replied with the 'I can understand.... or It must be hard.....I can see.....'
The she dropped the bombshell that the kids had told her over the weekend that they didn't want to be with her. I truly felt sorry for her and I replied with the ' I can understand.... or It must be hard.....I can see.....'
She calmed down and now I wasn't the focus of her anger, she made excuses for the boys as they were kids and were too young to understand the pain in their words.
She told me not to talk to the kids about their actions and words to her.
We had a good long hug - when I released the hug she hugged me again tighter.
She then left, but I felt - and thought I could see it in her - that we had connected more and that she somehow felt better for getting it off her chest. She was looking at me with 'softer' eyes. I think you could only say this about someone you really know.
She did still walk out of the door, but she seemed more relaxed.
This is why I started chuckling when I read your post.
I read your post only 10 mins after my WAW had left - and it seemed to match my own conclusions from during the day.
And it really seemed to work. I mean really.
For once I can't wait for our next conversation tomorrow. I want to continue listening.....
Questions;
The way the kids act up around my WAW is part of the reason why she walked. To everyone else they are very polite and well mannered, to me they know the boundaries and their limits, but to my WAW it just opens her nerves - she just seems to have never set the limits for them. This is a typical setup in how moms & dads interact with the kids - good cop & bad cop. Is there anything I could say to them to get them to act better to my WAW when I am not around? If I say something it will only be unfair pressure on them as they will then think that If they don't act nicer, mom will not come home. And this would be very cruel to them - they would think it is all their fault, and I can't do that to them.
Is there any way to interact with the boys and not have them telling my WAW such cruel things?
Could these cruel things make her think about the damage she is causing?
Face your fears. D not fear D. Work on YOU. Become the best YOU you can. Change the way you interact with waw and the whole R changes.
I do struggle to not fear D. I accept it may happen, but I do fear being alone. I have now discovered how I should be interacting with my WAW. As DB says, change what doesn't work.
Well I am going to change how I LISTEN and interact - I now understand this, and I saw a more positive interaction from my WAW.
Lets try this way for the next few weeks.....
Regards, Gyn.
Ps Thank you Ready2change
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
