You are angry at a man that has been away.. for a long time.
Why now?
You knew this was a possibility. You have said it did not matter.
Why now?
"I've been thinking what I would need to "forget" to try again."
This has been your story all along. Day after day. Month after month. Post after post.
"forget"
You can't define that word in your "stitch" in its current state.
It is something that will need to be defined later. You can keep on like you are and get no where. Or you make the sacrifice and do it.. or you make the sacrifice and move on. Someone has to lead. I have said that from the start. You have to make a choice and follow it to the letter. You have not done that from my POV. Call me crazy if you want to.
"Much less forgive. WTH did he have to go and fall in love with someone else? I will never really understand that. He broke us and I dont see a way to "mend" us."
Hmmm..
I need to break that down.
"WTH did he have to go and fall in love with someone else? I will never really understand that."
Yes you do. When things are against you.. "something" pops up. Just because "she" was closer does not really factor in here. If you want me to be honest.. you had your chance and made your choice. I applaud that.
"He broke us and I dont see a way to "mend" us."
He broke you. An effect of that was he broke "us". The choice is still.. up to you. Lemme clue you in.. you have the "control" you are just not using it.. cause you don't know what to do with it. You have always been a part of the problem.. and a part of the solution. The life you lead and the choices you make direct which "side" (problem/solution) you are on. You lead.. or you follow. It is that simple.
What are you doing right now?
Are you feeling dragged along? <---- hint.
Is this where you want to be?
Do you want things to change? <---- hint.
You clearly have control. Make no mistake about it.
So what do you want?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Hey FG - the "what do you want?" is my patented phrase. I dont step in here and say "Do Work" without paying you royalties now do I?
Kalni, we all care about you and dont like to see you continually cycling through like you are doing. How do want your life to be in a year, two years, 5 years? Start setting some goals and objectives. Decide what you want because your weak-ass husband aint going to do it.
I would gladly take some of that heat. We were cold this weekend, around 32 dgrees F or 0 degrees C. Way too early for that and I know up north they are getting Feet of snow not inches!!
Hope you are starting to get a better idea of how you want this to go.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
He's a sensitive, deep kind of guy, but he was born in Greece, where perhaps men are supposed to be men (macho?), he's never been able to cry really, apart from once or twice and he didnt/doesnt have an outlet for his emotions. So he lied... yes and really really hurt you. But I find it hard to judge him, becuase when I had my EA/PA, I lied. I lied all the time. I lied by omission and I lied about my feelings/lunch breaks/intentions. I did it becuase it was a crazy, unhealthy, idiotic obsession that I couldnt STOP, but the main reason was, I didnt want to lose my bf. Am I a bad person? Am I not lovable? Was bf wrong to give me another chance? Am I once a cheater always a cheater as a result? (no). Perverse I know, but I firmly believe he lied so much because he didnt want to lose the OPTION of being with you, he didnt want to lose you. And thats true, becuase he says she meant nothing and you are 'the one'.. the only one he listens to and means anything to him.
Its not an excuse, but like my bf said to you... the death of 4 people close to him probably really messed him up and he didnt deal with it. Men like him and my bf, as he said, shut a door on it and go "I'm not dealing with that" because its just TOO painful. So they act out instead. My bf said he has learnt a tonne of stuff as a result and wouldnt do it again and I am sure your H has too. Besides, this isnt supposition, or guesswork here, he told your friend just last the other week that he had only said goodbye to his Mum a MONTH ago (and she died 6 years ago?). Does that give you any compassion (I know, I know, you dont need to tell me...he's an AS$SHOLE! hahaha. BF still laughs about that one.)
I still dont understand why you are stubbonly refusing to just be honest with him...what you are doing since you found out about the A and then he said he wanted you back doesnt appear to be making you very happy, or having the effect on him you hoped (that he would work it out for himself and fight for you)..What do you really have to lose now after all this? You are heading for D at this rate anyway, so why not just give yourself, him and the universe a chance and be honest????
"H.. I still love you, annoyingly! But I do and cant let you go still.. maybe its not love, but we have a bond that could become love again with a little nurturing.
I dont want a divorce, but I cant woo myself.. I NEED you to woo me again, romance me, take me for dinner, weekends away and not just suggest family activities. That can come later. When you have moved back in, which I hope will be soon, because I cant stay in limbo forever.
You said you were trying to work out a way to convince me and I ignored the comment. I'm sorry, really I was hoping that you would and I am still waiting for you to start trying to convince me. So heres a clue...I need you to woo me again, spend time with me as Maria, your woman. Not as a family, not at first anyway.
Oh and please resign one of your jobs so we can get our life back, else, I cant do this at all. I leave this decision with you, its entirely up to you now."
Or do you want me to email him and tell him myself ???
And dont just answer you have already sent him emails detailing your needs and desires.. that was months ago (?) and before he 'turned' and changed (like the way he kisses and holds you now).. the emails were arriving at the same time as SHE was going nuts sending him similiar emails, begging him to do this and that.. so he may have closed his ears and mind to all of it (put yourself in his shoes, you;ve got some crazyass gf and your loyal W both emailing you asking you to go for counselling and work less so you can work on the R.. would you reply to either email ????)
Sorry M.. call me crazy and I am definetly giving it to you straight tonight.. but its time to leap !!!!
OR... get divorced. Whichever way you leap is fine by me and I will support you wholeheartedly and besides, what do I know! I'm just trying to help. But like someone here said, its painful to see you constantly stuck, like groundhog day. And you do have a lot of power now, you've been given the option of what everyone on these boards came here for once... a 2nd chance.
Sorry....don't like it. I stay with KerryK's advice.
How do you want to live your life?
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
