Is this the end of my marriage?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's by no means too far gone.

Have you read up on "dropping the rope"? It's NOT the same as giving up, and DBing is NOT the same as placating.

Maybe the fact that you seem "done" is a good place to BEGIN, hmm?

Puppy

[P17]

Puppy,

Bearing in mind I don't have the books yet (got an email from Amazon earlier saying they had been dispatched) can you elaborate even slightly about this. Especially the part about placating and the fact I seem done is a good place to begin?

I do feel done. I feel like throwing the towel in but there is just this little part of me that can't give up on 6 wonderful years together and even the last year wasn't that terrible - it had it's downs but it had it's up's too. I can't give up on a girl who I loved with all my heart and who was my world (part of the problem) who was the love of my life, the first woman I ever TRULY loved and the life we had laid out together. Even when my eventually told me that she wanted a D she told me I was the love of her life (whether that was crap or not I don't know). Maybe that seems like romantic crap, but it's what makes me want to try again. I know it will never be the same again, but it could be better.

Anyway, I'm ranting. Thanks for your help.

[P17]

I'd actually like a reply to the previous post I did, however I can't edit it to add this.

I have been looking at the dates my wife has given me to spend time with my daughter and I. Some of them are for the entire day almost. I am thinking, how the hell can the boyfriend sit back and tolerate her spending time with her H and her step-daughter while he is here? I know if it was me I'd be saying you need to break this off completely ...

I can only see two outcomes for this - he get's p***ed off about it and gives her an ultimatum that she needs to stop which will mean that she is eaten up by the fact she has stopped contact with her step-daughter OR he continues to let her do it and he get's eaten up by it.

Can somebody explain this or am I simply reading too much into it (again)?

Is this an advantage for me or am I being naive?

Anyway, as I said please read the previous post to this first! :-)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

P17,

You're trying to read WAY too much, into EVERYTHING. That's okay -- we all do it -- but you need to drop the rope and focus on YOU.

The book will explain it far better than I can.

Puppy

[sandi2]

Hi P17, I agree that you need to go completely dark with your W. If it were me, I don't know if I would even allow visitation with my D since she is doing like she is (wouldn't want that influcing your child). I guess that is the bad in me! Not knowing much about the OM, I would think you need to consider what your D may be exposed to.....but anyway, that is your business and I suppose there are two ways to think about it. Has your W always had a good R with your D?

I knew when you said you didn't care what she did that you were venting. You see, as long as you are in love with her...you will care. You will wish you didn't, but you will. So, don't beat yourself up when those old emotions reach up and grab you by the throat.

It is unfortunate that your W is living so close to you b/c you will see too much of what is going on. However, that can be turned around, you know? If you are gone out GAL, or you have friends over a lot....she will notice that, also.

Dropping the rope is a concept where in you have to think of an emotional rope you have tied around your wife. The harder you pull back to hold her....the harder she will pull away trying to escape. If you will drop that rope, she will stop pulling away. In fact, she will begin to look to see why you dropped that rope! Then she will notice other things about you. It is all about old human nature.....we want what we can't have. If she sees you are no longer intersted in her....and you have a life of your own....she'll become attracted. Of course, you have to be a man she can be attracted to. You already feel more like the man she fell in love with....so that is a great beginning!

You will have up & down days, but focus on a goal and keep doing what works.

[MTNspirit]

I'll offer a simple question that's helped me QUITE a lot through my situation:

"... and how is that working for you?"

Pretty much my IC has asked me that every time I've come to him and told him what I've done or been doing and how I've felt crazy about it: "So I checked the cell phone records and see that she's been talking to the OM like crazy and it's got me all torn up inside," I'd say.

".... and how is that working for you?" He'd respond. Pretty much he's encouraged me to realize things that I have done or did that were only going to make me crazier in the end. No, I don't like having no idea what my wife is doing at all right now. No, snooping around didn't help make me feel happier or GAL in the long run... it only made me feel dishonest and not honor who I am.

I'd encourage you to ask that to yourself when you find yourself "happening" to check out your W driveway multiple times a day or looking at who's on the porch, etc. ... How's that working for you?

Good luck!

[P17]

Hi P17, I agree that you need to go completely dark with your W. If it were me, I don't know if I would even allow visitation with my D since she is doing like she is (wouldn't want that influcing your child). I guess that is the bad in me! Not knowing much about the OM, I would think you need to consider what your D may be exposed to.....but anyway, that is your business and I suppose there are two ways to think about it. Has your W always had a good R with your D?

She always has had an excellent R with my daughter. Sometimes better than me :-) My D wouldn't be exposed to the OM at all as the contact with my D will always be me, my wife and my D.

Dropping the rope is a concept where in you have to think of an emotional rope you have tied around your wife. The harder you pull back to hold her....the harder she will pull away trying to escape. If you will drop that rope, she will stop pulling away. In fact, she will begin to look to see why you dropped that rope! Then she will notice other things about you. It is all about old human nature.....we want what we can't have. If she sees you are no longer intersted in her....and you have a life of your own....she'll become attracted. Of course, you have to be a man she can be attracted to. You already feel more like the man she fell in love with....so that is a great beginning!

Okay I see the concept now. I have to ask though does this work with every WAS? I get the distinct impression that my wife would be happier if there was no contact at all so dropping the rope won't make a difference to her. I know that I need to drop it anyway for my own sake but I can't see this working. I can though understand human nature and maybe that will kick in.

What I do take comfort in is that I had 7 years with my wife and that gives me a way bigger advantage over the OM.

[P17]

I'd encourage you to ask that to yourself when you find yourself "happening" to check out your W driveway multiple times a day or looking at who's on the porch, etc. ... How's that working for you?

It's funny you should say that. I have been asking myself the same question for a lot of things. Slightly differently:

"if you do ... xywz (ie. check the driveway) and you find out the worst, it's only going to make you upset and there is still nothing you can do about it so why bother'.

Last night however the temptation was too strong not to walk past. With other things I have stopped myself.

[sandi2]

Okay, I understand now about your W visitation with your D.

Okay I see the concept now. I have to ask though does this work with every WAS? I get the distinct impression that my wife would be happier if there was no contact at all so dropping the rope won't make a difference to her.

I sense some fear in what you said here. The point is that you don't do this as a ploy to get her back, but it is to help you be free to move forward. One thing is for sure....as long as you presist in tugging on that rope....it only gets worse and I do not know of a case where it worked getting the W back. However, dropping the rope works wonders. It gives the LBS a sense of freedom whether his W turns back or not. Can you say what would be an advantage of hanging on and pulling back on that emotional rope?

[P17]

So dropping the rope isn't for the WAS, it's for the LBS?

You're right though it is total fear that dropping the rope gives her what she wants - NC and the ability to carry on her affair in secret just up the road. But, as it's for me the NC would actually be good for me too, outside of the contact with my daughter.

Another question is whether the contact with me, my wife and my daughter can only be a good thing. The last contact we had you wouldn't have known we were actually separated at all as we were all laughing and joking etc. It doesn't give me hope that everything is okay, but it actually solidifies in my mind that there is still something there. See the comments above from me about her not flinching when I touch her, brush past her or even thrust myself at her. Don't know, as Puppy says, whether I'm reading too much into them. It just struck me as weird that she didn't flinch as I know I would have. But then I'm not of the mind where I would become a WAS.

Can you say what would be an advantage of hanging on and pulling back on that emotional rope?

When you put it like that. None. Only bad can come of it. I think though you need to reach a place where you can drop that rope. I don't think I'm quite there yet, although there is NC. I think dropping the rope is an emotional mindset rather than a physical act of not texting / calling etc. I have the physical act there, almost, but my mindset is defintely not there yet. I hope it will get there soon though.

I am off to see my IC (was an MC until my wife stopped going) this afternoon.