Donna, my two best friends have been on AD's for years now and both say they will never go off. My best friend says he's not going back to that dark hole he was in and my next best friend says that she has a good life now and a lot to be thankful for and plans to keep taking her meds. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't go off them, just telling you my friends thoughts and experiences. Sometimes I think I should maybe go on them for a bit and give myself a a bit of time to calm down, but somehow I just won't do it. My own Dad has been on them since I was a kid so depression is in my family. Sometimes I think my kids deserve the best Dad they can have and if taking a med once a day for a while helps me to quell some of that inner anxiety, which doesn't necessarily rule my life but frequently makes it a lot harder, then maybe I should do it. The doctor thinks it's not a bad idea but is leaving it up to me. I'm functioning and I'm not sitting around moping and crying or anything but I am struggling sometimes. So for now, I'll just carry on as is. I'm trying to do some Yoga each night now, starting out at 15 or 20 minutes and move upward. I think a lot of my problem is physical tension which in turn creates a bit of fatigue. But then, if I'm so fatigued how the heck was I out six evenings last week? Well, I'm seeing the shrink again this week, I told her I needed somebody whose there just for me to dump on. It's stressful trying to guide your best friend through the hell I've strugggled through myself the past two years. I know I'm pretty easily disappointed these days. Just one example, I was in a bit of a funk Saturday afternoon and wrote a poem about the sadness of divorce (I'll attach it at the end here). My friend had said the hardest thing he has found is coming home and finding no one there. I emailed my poem to one of my Pastors because I wanted to share it with someone but couldn't think of one friend I could pass it on to who wouldn't be sitting there in tears! I have a good relationship with this Pastor. Well, my Pastor never responded and to be honest that hurt. I was sharing something from deep inside me and got no response. Even a quick "I'll pray for you and your friend" or whatever would have sufficed...but nothing? I struggle with trust and these kind of things just don't help me much. Maybe I'm way too sensitive or maybe I have a right to feel ticked...who really knows. Anyway, I'm kind of hoping the divorce care group I joined last week will give me another outlet. We'll see. Again, thanks for checking on me. From what I've read on your thread you've come a long way Donna, you should feel proud! Here's my poem, it ain't great but it's what it is! : Home Sweet Home
Hi Honey, I’m home. What a day it has been I can’t wait to tell you But I know you’re busy right now So I’ll head upstairs and change And give the kids a kiss Then we’ll sit down to dinner And give praise to the Lord For He has done so much We’ll share the day, the good and the bad. And afterwards, I’ll do the dishes So you can just sit and rest You can tell me your stories As many as you wish I’m up in the bedroom now But all your clothes are gone Family pictures are not standing The book you were reading Is not on your bedside table My pillow lies strangely alone And all at once it strikes me Just like every night now You’re gone... You really are gone. I curl up on that bed and cry “Lord, just get me through one more lonely night”.
if the doctor said you had to take some meds to keep your liver and kidneys functioning at top performance, would you question taking them? Even if it did mean for the rest of your life? Not only do your kids deserve the best wii, but so do YOU.
I'm really not worried about going off of the meds after the holidays - I am pretty sure I'll be fine. I would probably be fine now, but don't want to be blind-sided by something that may come up with holiday stress. And my grandfather was bi-polar, at least 3 of 5 of his kids were depressed / bi-polar (including mom), and my sister is bi-polar.
Talk to the doc about ALL of your concerns...
Your poem reminded me of a John Mayer song:
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part You roll outta bed and down on your knees And for the moment you can hardly breathe Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The giving up is the hardest part She takes you in with your crying eyes Then all at once you have to say goodbye Wondering could you stay my love? Will you wake up by my side? No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh
Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? Would you get them if i did? No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part.
[quote=Donna...Found]Oh, wii...I do get those sentiments.
Let me ask you....
if the doctor said you had to take some meds to keep your liver and kidneys functioning at top performance, would you question taking them? Even if it did mean for the rest of your life?
Donna, it's kind of funny because in my professional life I use the same lines on my clients who don't want to take their meds! But then, I'm not hearing voices telling me to do bad things either So far, the stress of the last few months has not stopped me from enjoying life, just making it somewhat harder. I have the meds and the doctor says he's OK with me trying them or not. He was just thinking that helping my friend through this separation thing may be a good time to add a little weaponry to my arsenal! We'll see, I'm a stubborn cuss. On the positive side, I'm not finding myself sitting around rhuminating in the past two weeks, that's a plus. I'm also sleeping much better. I'm just tired of being tired!!!! Well, it's my Yoga time and then it's watching Dancing With The Stars. Busy, busy night. Btw, thanks for the lyrics
OK, so I talked to my Psychologist about the AD's and decided that I'd give them a try. She felt there was nothing to be lost by trying them for a month or more. I felt that maybe I was being too stubborn and not allowing myself to use the tools that could help me over this hump. I'm taking 10mg of Cipralex and I took one Thursday night. Friday I was pretty wasted and stayed home from work. I felt so tired and kept falling asleep. I snoozed much of the day. I phoned the pharmacist and she told me this was a pretty normal reaction for the first couple of days while the body gets used to the drug. She told me to take the next dose earlier in the evening. I took one earlier last night and while not as tired today I'm feeling somewhat like I'm on a cloud. The problem I find is that when I feel tired and weak I start to worry excessively. Today I find myself worrying and a bit obsessive and, to be honest, that scares me! I'm supposed to go out to dinner with STBX and kids tonight and of course I'm worrying about what I'll be like, which makes it worse. So, my question to anyone whose been on these things is, how long before I feel more normal again? The pharmacist said a couple of days and I know my doctor said I'd feel flat for a few days when I first start taking these. Part of me just wants to ditch them and go back to what I was doing before. I don't like this feeling! Yuckkk. These are supposed to help me, arent' they?
When I was deep in the depression of betrayal, I did go to the doc and he gave me something (after bursting into tears repeatedly), but he said it would only help after 3 weeks. Not sure what it was called. I had the prescription filled, but never took it. I wonder if it would've helped me get over the less painful part.
Anyway, good luck with it, and hope it doesn't last too long. Perhaps you should cancel dinner since it's causing you anxiety. Wait until the meds are working, IOW.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Well Being Me, Whatis is ending his experiment with AD's! Two days of feeling like a piece of crap is enough for me. This afternoon I was feeling so wasted I didn't think I could go out for dinner with STBX and the kids, I felt terrible about it and rather anxious. Finally, I phoned STBX and asked if I could come over to talk. Today is a special day for the Chinese and she had wanted to take us all out for dinner. When I got there I told her what was happening and how I was feeling. She listened for an hour and was very caring. I told her that I felt like I was letting my family down if I didn't go. I told her "I love you and the kids, you're my family" and she replied "we love you too and you're not letting us down if you don't come. Certainly, the girls and I will feel disappointed because we love you and want you to be there, but if you can't, that's OK" We discussed the anxiety I have been feeling ever since that damn virus hit me four months ago (the virus has been gone for a few weeks now, thank goodness) and she said "Whatis, you're used to getting A's and now that you're getting a B you don't know how to handle it. During our separation and the few years before that I couldn't believe how well you handled things. I could never ever have done as well as you. Now you've hit a bit of a bump in the road you're not sure what to do." She also said "I know you feel bad now but keep in mind that that feeling is just today, tomorrow will be different". She also told me that I was taking too much responsibility for my friends situations and, get this, taking on too many activities...this from the activity queen of all time! I told her how scared I was sometimes and had a good cry. She also suggested, and I agreed, that I stop the AD's. I was doing OK without them, in fact, getting a lot better but I decided the AD's might speed my recovery. Forget it! The last thing I need is something else to make me tired and that won't even help for three weeks. Re the dinner we decided that she would come pick the kids up at my place and if I was coming we could take two cars so that if I needed to leave the restaurant early I could. So we all went out to dinner and had a wonderful evening laughing, talking and eating together. We were a family!
Well, I just returned from another family dinner. I had to go over to STBX's to bring something to one of the girls and STBX asked me if I'd like to stay for dinner, so I did. We cleaned up afterwards together and talked for another hour without the girls. Also, last night I bought and dropped some food at her place because she had a late afternoon dance practise and I thought I'd do something nice. She thanked me and asked me to stay for dinner but I declined as I was with a friend. She'd paid for the dinner on Saturday night so this was my way of repaying that (yes, that was very Chinese of me, wasn't it!). So another nice night with my family tonight. She actually seems to enjoy my company these days...how times change!
Happy Thanksgiving, Wii! Hope you have a good day tomorrow!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks Being Me! Myself, STBX and the kids celebrated yesterday at my Mom and Dad's place. It was a lovely day and evening. Btw, October 15 is the anniversary of our separation, year 3 is beginning. Do you buy her a card for such occassions? Now, I have a question for any Dbers who want to chip in. How do you handle when your Pastors are seemingly insensitive to your personal situation? I met with our Lead Pastor six weeks ago to discuss my best friends marital separation and spent two hours talking and crying. I so appreciated his time and caring. Since then he hasn't followed up in any way such as "how's your friend" or "how are you doing these days" etc. Not a word and there has been ample opportunity. I also sent him an email afterwards thanking him and updating him on my personal sitch. I got no reply. Last week I sent our Assoc. Pastor a poem I had written about lonliness but didn't want to send to any of my best friends as they are both quite a mess these days! I have a good R with this Pastor or I wouldn't have sent it. Once more, I got no reply. It kind of hurts when you're trying to trust those who you are supposed to trust and they don't respond. I know Pastors are busy people and I don't envy them their job but...all it would take is a "thanks for sharing" or some short response like that. There's a part of me that's saying "find another church"! I have had issues with emails and our Pastors previously, sometimes they reply and sometimes not and sometimes it's something important they aren't responding to! I usually just try to put it aside and say "busy people", "it's not personal" but now I'm going through a difficult period and it seems like no one is particularly interested in doing the small things which would mean alot to me. I've been told by a friend I should make an appointment with each of them and talk to them but how do you say "Hey, would it kill ya to reply to my email?" It feels like I'd be begging for crumbs and I don't like that feeling!!! . Trust is not an easy thing for me, considering I was betrayed by a wife who I trusted implicitly. I don't even trust God entirely, which I told my Pastor when we met. Aren't there some things that should be obvious to anyone? When someone shares a difficult personal situation, don't you check in with them even once to say "how are you doing?" and let them know they matter. If someone sends you an emotional poem he has written don't you say "thanks for sharing" even if it stinks . Am I way off base here? Am I overly sensitive? I'm seeing a pattern here that I don't like much. Anyway, all thoughts would be appreciated. I'm not sure where to go with this but I'm not a happy church goer lately!
Just to add, I have also been open about asking for prayer for myself and my friend at prayer group which our Pastors attend, so it's not like my situation is some kind of secret. Come to think of it, no one in my church has ever asked about my friend or how I'm doing in regards to my struggles with supporting him! Hmm, where's that good old Christian love? I ask others about their sitches...OK, I'm done whining!
I just came across the email I sent my Pastor with the poem attached. Wouldn't a response seem like a no brainer?
" Hi Pastor, A few weeks ago my best friends wife left him after ten years together. By trying to support him and be a friend it sure has brought back a lot of memories and emotion for me as I am approaching the second anniversary of my separation. I wrote this poem and thought I'd share it with you...I just felt the need to share it with someone. It's called..."
OK, really, I'll stop whining now! Again, any thoughts anyone?
So far, the stress of the last few months has not stopped me from enjoying life, just making it somewhat harder. I have the meds and the doctor says he's OK with me trying them or not. He was just thinking that helping my friend through this separation thing may be a good time to add a little weaponry to my arsenal! We'll see, I'm a stubborn cuss. On the positive side, I'm not finding myself sitting around rhuminating in the past two weeks, that's a plus. I'm also sleeping much better. I'm just tired of being tired!!!! Well, it's my Yoga time and then it's watching Dancing With The Stars. Busy, busy night. Btw, thanks for the lyrics 