Trying to save my M. W not really trying though.

[etrain]

Can any of you offer some questions I should be asking the L today? This is brand new to me & I want to make sure I don't miss anything.
I do have my own list but, like I said, I'm not sure what the process is.


Thanks.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

- What specific behaviors should I try to be avoiding in the weeks and months ahead?

- What are my potential vulnerabilities here, based on my situation as I've described it to you?

- What are my wife's potential vulnerabilities, that I should be keeping note of?

- Is ours a "fault" or a "no-fault" state when it comes to divorce, and -- if "no-fault" -- are there any legitimate grounds that at least affect alimony and custody?

- Should I be wearing my wedding ring?

- Is it okay if I date while separated? Does it help me if I don't, but she does?

- To what extent do you work primarily with MEN in your past cases? 100%? 50%? other?

- Legally, what methods of gathering intel ("snooping") am I allowed to do in our state?

- Should it come to a contested divorce, based on my situation and the family court judge(s) in our jurisdiction, what do you think our chances of winning are, realistically?

Those are just a few, off the top of my head. I'm sure there's better and more thorough lists on the internet if you do a search.

Puppy

[etrain]

Just got back from seeing the L. He is an aggressive "file for D today" type of L. My state is no-fault & there are no legal seperations. Intent of that is to encourage couples to work things out but it's actually causing folks to file for D sooner because that's the only way to protect themselves legally. L said whatever S agreement we come up with is pretty much between us & not enforceable.
L said affairs don't matter. Don't bother snooping. It won't help. Basically said, if you know you're not going to work things out, you're better off filing for D today. Much better than waiting around & getting blindsided by my W filing & already having everything planned out. Also said that stashing away some $$ wouldn't be a bad idea...also get rid of any "collectibles" I have (baseball cards, etc) so W doesn't wind up with them. L said it's common for things like that to "disappear".
All in all, I'm not sure what I thought about this L. He came off as a bit of a shark...but maybe that's what I need.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It would be good for you to talk to three or four before retaining anyone. Remember, if you go to an ear/nose/throat surgeon and ask him what's the best course of treatment for chronic sinusitis, he's going to say: surgery. It's how he makes his money, and he has no shared history nor any love with this woman like you do.

No-fault and no legal Ss; are you in Florida by any chance??

Puppy

[etrain]

It would be good for you to talk to three or four before retaining anyone. Remember, if you go to an ear/nose/throat surgeon and ask him what's the best course of treatment for chronic sinusitis, he's going to say: surgery. It's how he makes his money, and he has no shared history nor any love with this woman like you do.

No-fault and no legal Ss; are you in Florida by any chance??

Puppy

I'm in PA. I'm definitely going to speak to at least 1 more L personally & I already spoke to one on the telephone a couple weeks ago.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OK.

Continue to let us know how the mood is at home, and remember your mantra: "I thought she had a right to know the truth."

[Ready2Change]

First, protect yourself and family. Do it quickly and silently. Once you get served, everything is "LOCKED".


I "caught" my W selling off stock without a joint decision on this. She controlled the money and I was in the dark, who knows how much she liquidated in the past. That weekend, New bank account, changed direct deposit, went through entire marital house and removed anything of "Mine" that had value. I have our wedding album (She may have destroyed it)......

[Ready2Change]

Is your state equal equity?

$100,000 401K stock has a different value than 100,000 equity in a home. Talking to a financial adviser is wise.

[smith18]

Just for some perspective - it has been only a month and a half since you got the bomb. But I cant really talk since I filed 3 months after I got my bomb. But I did it for an entirely different and justified reason - she was exposing the kids to her PA against my will. I did boot her out of the house a month or so before I filed. I am not sure your marriage is at the point where you want to strike fast and hard with a D filing. It is your decision as to whether now is the time to enforce some consequences.

You want a lawyer who first cares about what is best for your son. And preferably one with more than 10 years of experience working family law in your area. You do have to worry about getting a shark who does not talk about trying to get a peaceful settlement without going to court. A lawyer can make big bucks when a D has to go contested to court.

I do believe that the petitioner does have a bit of an upper hand. Also, it is a major shock and awe to the cheater who is eating cake. Plus, it makes you not look like a door mat and is a very powerful boundary.

My D process took almost a year. During that time, I had my lawyer back off for several months as it appeared that we were possibly heading to reconciliation or a mediated divorce. But I finally got fed up with being yanked around and pushed the D through. I let the 2 L's haggle back and forth in regards to financial settlment issues. Right before it was final she made a very feeble attempt to ask for another chance, but by then I wanted as little as possible to do with her in my life.

I do think that it might be best to stop trying to snoop now. The A is in the open and hopefully OM's W is aware too. You will only hurt yourself more emotionally if you do find out more details. And since you are in a no fault state, what does it gain you.

[etrain]

I just posted this on the infidelity forum:

OM's W just called me. Said how difficult it was to call me, verified that she got my messages & asked if we could "just drop it". I said sure & apologized for bothering her. I feel bad now. But at least I know.