"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
@Kettricken - you ask a great question, same one that I have been asking myself.
Just thinking about the anger gets it started again right now, however, so I'm not ready to examine it yet.
If I'd had someplace to go last night, I would not have come home.
I totally lost it early this morning - blew up and threw a fit like never before - over absolutely nothing. The anger may be justified (or maybe not) but the behavior (throwing a childish temper tantrum - stomping around, throwing things out of my way and slamming doors) was not. After I cooled down I pulled my wife aside and apologized: "Over the past 24 hours" I said, "I have been experiencing waves of burning anger like I have never experienced before - the sort of anger that makes me see nothing but red and lose all ability to think rationally. I am sorry for and ashamed of my actions this morning. I don't know the true source of the anger. I'm sure it has to do with "us", but don't know exactly. It most certainly is not caused by the immediate irritation that triggered it. I don't want to talk about it now - anything I say will be premature and wrong. I just have to work through by myself for a while.
She nodded and said OK - end of discussion.
Since my S7 also saw me get angry, I also sat him on my lap and said "You know how sometimes you get so angry that you can't even think or talk right? (he does). He said "Yes". I continued "Well, that's what happened to me this morning. It is OK for me to be angry, but it's not OK for me to act like that. I'm sorry." He said "That's OK" and smiled and we went on to another topic.
I've been under control since then, although as I write I can still feel it simmering (triggered by writing this).
Last edited by Thinker; 10/12/0907:56 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I don't think your weekend is over yet. Something is trying to come out.
Take a breather and relax.
I hope you can soon understand what it is.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
You have contact info for the team leaders. Call one of the husbands and talk to him about your experience this weekend. I'm sure they have seen spouse who have been non-participatory before. Ask him for advice. These people really do want to help you. You did not get what you should have out of the weekend. Something went very wrong.
We met with one of the couples immediately after the weekend and talked through our experience. They did a good job talking to her and I think that is the main reason we are going to the first follow-up session next Sunday.
I wasn't blameless for the weekend results. I certainly reacted to her and played into the overall dynamic. With practice, I would have ignored her written accusations and just focused the verbal discussions on the emotions. I didn't however - I dove right in to discussing the issues during the verbals.
The one benefit that I think we are going to take out of it is we finally (at the end of the weekend) learned how to dialog without problem solving (talk about the emotions themselves, WITHOUT any discussion AT ALL of the issue.) I am not sure if we are going to be able to take advantage of it. Although I agreed to do the daily dialoging exercises, I think that she will avoid doing that sort of exercise unless someone is enforcing it. I don't want to be in the role of enforcer, as that just throws her back into the role of rebellious teenager.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Yes, the rules of dialoguing are critical. There are to be no accusations and no use of the words always and never, among many other things. It sounds like, in addition to giving most of the questions short shrift, she also flagrantly broke rules. It only works if both people abide by the rules. I have to admit, that I was a little guilty of this myself. I didn't do it over the weekend. It was after the first Post session. We went home and did our dialogues, and I realized that I would never be able to get in the dig that I really wanted to say, because it was against the rules. So I wrote it anyway. We walked into the second post session, and the leaders said, "How are your dialogues going?" And my husband raised his hand and tattled on me. I was told the rule again (like I didn't know). I haven't done it since.
im sorry thinker. that sucks. retro was supposed to be about problem solving, not problem creating. But i can see from reading your posts that your wife had an agenda of not cooperating to begin with. She went in there with her claws out ready to shoot down anything that was thrown at her.
how inconsiderate people are. In the worst of times, those times when a small step is need to confirm or deny something, they choose not to step and. They choose to continue with their ways as they see fit. It is so unfortunate that you had to go through that.
Stand strong my brother. There is still hope. Now anger is your ally. Use it to shield your feelings for a bit. It will help you detach even more i recon.
Not allowed: - Always - Never - You - Because - Why - feel that - rehashing the past
She broke them all.
I didn't call her on it until the discussions got ugly and painful on Saturday night because I was struggling with the whole process a bit myself.
She also had me on the defensive the whole time. For example, on Saturday night we were asked to write about forgiveness. I wrote that I forgived her and how that made me feel relaxed. (It did). Then when on Sunday I irritated about something and said I was now angry, she pulled out my letter on forgiveness and (in essence) called me an insincere hypocrite for now being angry. You guessed it - that then put me right through the ceiling, which enabled her to then say "You Always get angry and say things. Once unsaid you can never unsay them (ie I'll never forget or forgive). The damage is done. You can never make up for it. I'll never be able to love you. We can never..."
There was no recovery.
We're both still angry with each other.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
