It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

I dropped off my daughters. I had done something stupid, had told my wife I wasn't going to sign the paper to take me off of the lease. That was childish and I feel bad even now for saying that.

The truth is I feel an enormous amount of shame for leaving her and the girls. I realize now that YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR FAMILY. You don't give up and you don't let stupid s*** sidetrack you from believing they are the most important people in the world. To sign that paper was to give up and walk away again. But I apologized and signed anyway, trying to make her understand how I felt.

She didn't care and, as is her tendency lately, steamrolled over everything I said. I felt anger coming off of my wife like radiation last night. She told me she couldn't feel anger now or let it take over her, that she didn't have time for it. But it's there. I agreed to stay late and watch the girls while she went out. I didn't think she should due to medical concerns (which are private), but didn't want to argue or force her to do anything.

She left, came back and said her car battery was dead. I drove her to walmart to look at batteries. The tension was like a cold, burning sensation. I did my best to be cheerful and supportive. I ended up giving her a jump and giving her my battery charger (which she had paid for). She accidentally stole my ice scraper. After the jump she left anyway. I didn't say goodbye, just walked back up to the apartment, plugged in the rechargeable battery charger and cleaned her kitchen. It hadn't been cleaned since I had picked up the kids two days earlier.

The apartment was a mess. Not terrible but the chaos was clear. She's crumbling and doesn't know it. I don't even have a job and don't know what I can do if she falls apart. I want to be there to help. Not so much to rescue her and win her heart, but she will blame me when things fall to pieces.

Driving back to my place I could just feel the wall she's put up. It was like being miles away while I stood right there in front of her. I wanted to hold her and couldn't reach her even when we touched. I realized there was no use spending time with her or talking to her. I don't want to feel that distance and the anger, to butt up against that wall over and over. I don't want to look into the beautiful face I love so much and see emptiness, regret and anger.

I can't do anything for that sad, angry woman. Not until she's ready.