Last night we had our kid transition. Our S was crying because he misses me so much, and our D's were crying because they didn't want to leave mommy. This is truly hell. My W was struggling to keep her composure, and as I took the kids bags from her I asked "You sad?" She just nodded and started to break down, I reached my arms out and put them around her. She tentatively put her arms around me at first, then as she felt me pull away she really wrapped around me and held me tight for several moments. We let go, and she said for me to be patient with our D's. I said of course. She came out to the car and our youngest D was crying and pleaded with her "Mommy, I want us to live in one house!" My W was struggling and said "I know two houses are hard, it's the best Mommy and Daddy can do right now." We said goodbye and that was it.
This morning my W called to talk about kid stuff, but I know that was just an excuse for her to call me. I've mentioned it before, but everyone here probably doesn't know my W is a therapist, specializing in marriage and family. Shocking, I know. Anyway, she told me she's preparing a presentation to give to the local schools about the family issues children face today. Talk about ironic. She said preparing the presentation has reminded her of things she used to know but forgot, and she wants me to look over her presentation, because "it will help you understand what we're going through". I said sure. I have no idea what's coming there. Probably some academic reasoning describing how this is all "natural", and to be expected, and is actually "healthy". We'll see...
I feel an anger welling up in me. Not a mean anger wanting to lash out at my W, but an anger wanting to make my W face all this and stop avoiding. She clearly isn't done with me and our family. At this point, she is terrified to make a move. She feels horribly guilty, and I think she feels I will never truly forgive her, so she has to just march forward with her crumbling plan. I've told her I don't consider anything that's happened to be unforgivable, but she seemed skeptical and said "How can you know if you'll forgive until you know everything?" I'm not sure what else she wants me to know. Should I just offer up and say "Whatever it is you think I need to know, just tell me and let me decide whether I can forgive you."
All this with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up. I am dreading the holidays for the first time in my life.
