Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

I know this is going to be a long post so please forgive me. I've been reading these forums intently for the past few days waiting for my account to be activated. I was particularly interested in PuppyDogTails posts about his 'new' marriage.

Anyway. Here goes.

I have been married for 3 and a half years and been together with my wife for 7. We had a blissful 6 years together (she says it was 7 out of 10, I say 9 but whatever, it was good). The last year things have slipped and I think we really came out of the honeymoon period and saw things were tough.

My wife decided she wanted a six month separation and told me on 2 August about it. She looked around for somewhere to live and couldn't find anywhere. Her dad then bought her a house, 500 yards from mine (?!) and she moved in on 7 September.

During the time between 2 August and 7 September we continued to live together, she stayed in my daughters room (from a previous relationship - my wife is her step-mother). Those 5 weeks were absolute hell and a lot was said, particularly by me about how much hurt, anger and upset I was feeling. I wish I had found these forums before I did that but we can't change the past.

After she left I then chased her for a month between 7 September and 5 October. I sent her a rose (for which I got a thanks), I sent her a 33 page love letter (they were little pages not big A4 ones!), I texted her with 'Thinking of you' and 'Love xx' - not too much. We also had a few slanging matches via text.

On 6 September, the day before she moved out I found out she had been texting another man that I had been suspicious of all along. She was having an EA with him that I think was probably also physical. I confronted her and she admitted it but there was nothing sexual. I confronted him and he also confirmed there was nothing physical. He also agreed to not contact her again.

The week before 5 October I was away on holiday and didn't text or contact her at all. She told me the week prior that when she moved out, she took her heart with her and that I needed to accept that. I got a text on the Wednesday saying thanks for the rose (which I sent her before she told me about taking her heart with her and because I was away I couldn't cancel it). I got quite drunk on the Friday night (it was the last night of the holiday) and I think I pushed a bit too hard. I called her, accidently, at 3am and 4am. I texted her too and I think it was too much for her to bear.

On the 5 October we met for breakfast and she told me she saw no future for us. We talked for about 90 minutes about things and I was very calm, compassionate and understanding with what she had to say. I also told her that I would continue to fight for her (bad mistake). She then gave me the coffee table from her house as she had no room for it and she helped me into my house with it, sat down and had about a 20 minute chat. I went to a friends house and about an hour later I get a text from her asking me if I wanted to go to the beach with her and the dog!?!

I went to the beach and she did nothing for 90 minutes but criticise, blame me for everything, tell me she didn't want me and told me basically what an a$$ I had been and a terrible husband. I just again continued with the compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

Since leaving I have actually become the man she married again and not the snivelling weak, needy, manipulative idiot that she spent the last year with. I put this down to the financial problems that she had, and laid on me in the marriage, she took with her. When released from that I got back to my old self again and it's great.

The part about the affair is an interesting one and I'll list it in point as it makes it easier:

1. She told the OP that I beat her. I know because he told me when I spoke to him. She also told him that the night before I spoke to him that she said I had split her lip. None of this is true - never lifted my hand to my wife EVER and NEVER would. It's just not me.

2. I confronted her on why she told him I hit her and she stared at the floor and told me it was because that maybe she deserved to be hit for what she did. I asked her if she knew I would never hit her - she said, yeah you would if pushed. I pressed her on this and she did say I would never ever hit her and never would. What also came out of this is that the OP never told her we had spoken. Hmm, deceit between them.

3. She told me that the OP was looking for jobs and going to move up sometime. I have it on very good authority that he is either already here, moving up shortly or moving up at the end of the month. She had the opportunity to tell me about it and she didn't.

4. I asked her how the OP would be able to move 250 miles, a 3 hour car journey and a 3 hour ferry journey away from his kids. She told me that the OP hasn't seen his kids in six years. Again I know this is a total lie. I called him (he's now blocked my number so it goes straight to voicemail) and pleaded with him not to give up on his kids. As a father who fought to see his daughter for 7 loooong years I knew what it was like. This would do two things - make him think about giving up his kids for her and also make him think what the hell she has told me and why she's still lying.

5. I am 36, my wife is 34. She hates smoking. She desperately wants children. The OP is 45 (forgive me any 45 years olds out there :-)), smokes, smokes pot (if his Facebook page is to be believed), drinks heavily, has facial hair (another pet hate of hers) and is abandons his kids (not a great father figure - this is one of the traits she loved about me that I fought for 7 years for my daughter and WOULD never have given up).

7. He desperately wants off the island he is on and I believe is using her to realise that.

8. My wife had a history of dating married and unavailable men - father figures - before I met her. I put this down to her own father (and mother to an extent) abandoning her when she was young. I thought in me she had found somebody who could love her.

9. My wife still wears rings on her wedding finger (not the wedding rings), still has her Bebo page which says I am the love of her life and she is married, her Facebook page with the same and is telling everybody different stories (including that I left her!). Nobody believes she is having an affair as she is such a nice person.

It's been a hard road but I feel I am coming to the end of this. I am trying to encourage a relationship with my daughter as my wife and her are so close and she has been around since she was 2 (she is now almost 9).

Today is my first real victory in the 'letting go of this relationship' and I feel really good. I had a text from my wife this morning asking is she could come around tonight at 8.30pm as 'I need to talk' and sort out some dates to see my daughter. I texted her back that I was busy tonight and could she text me the dates and I'll look at the calendar. I got a receipt saying it had been delivered 2 hours ago (during her work break) - no response to it. It feels good. Really good for me to be finally standing up for myself. It's too late, but it still feels good.

I don't want to talk about us, the relationship, OP, or her. She just wants to tell me he is here or is coming up. I no longer care. She can have sex with him up and down the street wearing nothing more than a ribbon and I would bat an eyelid.

It's taken me on a week from last Monday to get to this stage but it's been in hand for a while.

Before anybody asks I know a lot of what I did in the relation ship and told her about it and promised it would never come between us again. I know I am half to blame for the breakdown, half to blame for sticking my head in the sand and half responsible for how we got to this situation. I am only half to blame though. If you listen to my wife, I would be the worst man on planet earth.

My wife is a text book affair addicted woman. She is in love with OP that is clear from reading here. It can't last (lies between them never mind lies to me), at least I can not see under which cloud it will.

My question to all you guys who just know so much of what you are talking about is while I don't care any longer about what she does, I still love her and I would still very much like to get my marriage back. Not the marriage I had as that is dead but the marriage with the same visions for the future - kids, grow old, die together and have a house by the sea (obviously not in that order :-)). We both wanted that.

Any thought's or help appreciated.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You need to go dark, stop contacting OM, and seek the help of Robx immediately.

This is salvageable, but NOT the way you are going about it.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You also need to protect yourself immediately vis-a-vis her physical abuse accusations. I would take a date-stamped pic of her, thinking of some excuse to do so, so that you can show she has no split lip.

I would also (if you haven't done so already) begin to keep a DAILY LOG of EVERYTHING, esp. financial, any contact with OM, abuse accusations, everything.

Have you spoken to an atty yet? Preferably a good family law attorney who specializes in "men's rights" issues.

Puppy

[P17]

Okay. Is Robx (forgive my ignorance I have been reading and reading and reading this forum for the last two days and some of the names are a blur) a user on here?

When you say go dark, you mean stop all contact including that with my daughter (her step-daughter)? I have started a College course recently and taken up a dance class which is FANTASTIC for the self-confidence. My wife always wanted to go dancing with me and lo and behold I'm doing it myself something she thought I would NEVER do.

I have spoken to a solicitor and we are going down the separation agreement route (I am in the UK so things work differently over here). She has recently said she doesn't want anything from me so while she is in that mood I want things moving.

Her motives are financial which I will explain about below and mine are protecting myself and my house. She has said 'lets do the online separation agreement' which isn't worth the paper its is written on and when the divorce appears in two years she will easily contest it. She has also said she can't afford a solicitor (daddy has lots of money) and doesn't want to do it that way ... it's all stalling and nonsense.

The home is mine. My solicitor says that she would need to prove it was a family home (which it was never purchased for) before it would be considered. The home here is a base to see my daughter from nothing more.

My wife has said she wants half of the house ONLY if it is sold. This is why she is stringing it out. If the house is sold before next July any money she comes into has to go to trustees to pay her debts off. AFTER next July it's all hers.

She has done nothing about a divorce at all even though she says she wants it.

As an update to the above too I forgot to mention about several texts.

Over that week I was on holiday I sent her two texts asking her to leave me alone. The first one she immediately came back with 'if thats what you want' - the same old script - the second one was pretty much the same. While she says it's over she continues to string me along and keep me hanging. Unfortunately I've realised it too late but at least I realise it now.

While this next bit might not be entirely relevant, it is to me. She was here on Wednesday when we spent a (fantastic fun day) with my daughter. If you didn't know we'd separated you would never have guessed, but anyway. She was bending over to get a plate out of the cupboard. I had to get past, there wasn't enough room so I deliberately brushed quite hard against her while she was bending over (okay I thrust myself at her a$$) just to see what her reaction would be. She never even twitched. When she has been handing me things I've been doing the same deliberately touching her hand when I didn't have to - nothing there either. Why isn't she flinching? If it was me my head would have went through the top of the cupboard if she had thurst at me the way I did ... it makes me laugh it really does. The games WAS play ...

(Any guys reading this if you want some self-confidence back and get to be around a lot of women go to a class - all the women in my class are married but GUYS DON'T GO TO THESE CLASSES! There are about a dozen women in my class and two guys including me - the other guys is there with his girlfriend - I'm not interested in married women but you know, having a laugh with other women, dancing close to them and just having a good laugh with them has done wonders for me - I would say more than anything else).

[P17]

Had a search for Robx and found his profile. Couldn't send him a PM though as they are disabled ... not sure if that's just for me as I'm new or for the board in general ... ROBX? Help?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

P17,

The moderators don't allow private PMs anymore -- stupid, but it's what we have to deal with. You can find Robx over in Newcomers usually, just find one of his posts, click on his username and then hit "Show User's Posts" to see all of his. He specializes in issues of attraction, and push-pull dynamics and offers some very counter-intuitive (but highly effective) advice.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

When you say go dark, you mean stop all contact including that with my daughter (her step-daughter)?

Yes. Because you have no children together, you have an opportunity that most of us didn't have. Do not stop contact with your own daughter, but any communication with your wife should ONLY be about your daughter, and only if necessary.

Have you read DB or DR yet? "Going dark" is explained in more detail.

Puppy

[P17]

Okay.

My thoughts before coming on here was no talk to my wife about relationships, us, the marriage or OM. The only thing I wanted to talk about was her contact with my daughter and how I could manage it. My daughter wants to still see her step-mum. When we meet we have a great time but there is no relationship talk.

I actually purchased both DB and DR last night from Amazon. Hopefully it will be here later this week.

I have joined Match.com and thinking about dating again. Is this a good idea (although I'll probably find out from Robx's posts when I read them)?

I will check out Robx's posts. Thanks.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's a highly controversial subject on here (dating others), but even those opposed to it admits that it WORKS.

I think you need to do what's right for your own moral values, and whatever you decide I would advise you to be open about it with your wife and let her know your intentions.

Read up on "going dark" and "The Last Resort Technique," especially, when your books arrive. DR is very similar to DB, and most say it's better (I've only read DB), so read DR first.

Puppy

[P17]

As my wife is having an affair and the OM is there already / soon to be / later to move here.

If she is having an affair why would I tell her about my intention to date?

What difference would it make to her?

How would I approach telling her when I'm going dark? I assume, as I haven't read the book, that going dark is stop all contact, concentrate on yourself and your needs and become 'mysterious' (as The No More Mr Nice Guy peeps put it)?

I'll read DR book first. I hope it's here soon.