One of the things I have learned about a live-in is....
We LBS'ers of a live-in, means that we have way more interaction with them through this...
And that we don't have the oppurtunity to be on a stage just once in a while, so they see ALL of our emotions as well as theirs.
Most MLC'ers don't have a firm grasp about what they are thinking, let alone process what they see in us.
For me...I realized that it had to be okay to show that emotion if you feel it, just also make sure you show how you are dealing with it differently than you had in the past too...
I was always the one who held everything in, and said very little about what was bothering me. Not anymore....
In the beginning of that, I kinda did that just to 180.
Then it started to feel really good for ME to do that, and now, it is a part of sho I have become and don't really worry about when or how, cause I know I am not the same person...
Once you start doing that, you will realize and YOU will see the changes that you have made for you, and then you will trust yourself enough to just be you.....cause the person that you have become, will SHINE anytime, through good and bad.
Is this about what you said ? OR HOW you said it ?
I think that depends on where you started from too. I never shut up previously. Just listening was good for a few months to allow me to listen to what H was saying and let me think abut what was actually important to me. It also gave me the chance to learn to detach my emotions from my speech.
It is only now that I am ready to assemble my thoughts and speak up. My H is currently not in a place to talk at all, clammed up completly. Even little digs are said as he walks through the room so I would have to get up and follow to engage. So right now I am practising HOW I want to say it.
I don't know that it was so much of a boundary I needed to set that I just needed him to know (not sure why, just for me I guess) that through all of this I have NOT been taking a stupid pill every morning and that I do notice things (though I tend to ignore now).
BUT I will say that it did lead to a conversation which gave me a very up close and personal look into how much pain he is in, which is a good thing. I don't mean the pain is a good thing but the fact that I was reminded of it and I was able to be compassionate again. I did express that because as detached as I am trying to be, I do still want him to know that I care.
He hadn't opened up at all to me for awhile about what is going on in his head and was hiding the pain okay, so it seemed.
I have gone through phases. I have always spouted when I was upset. Then he didn't seem to care at all or it gave him fodder for how evil I was so I stopped altogether. Now he has started noticing again most of the time when something seems "off" with me and has been asking. I wasn't telling him anything really, just trying to work through things on my own but now I am picking and choosing and letting him in a bit.
I don't know. It all seems like such a game sometimes.
Mach, you are right. I think it is all about the way we handle things differently to show how we have changed with a live-in. I can remember a couple of times from weeks ago where I reacted totally differently than I would have normally(laughing something off instead of getting irritated) and the look on his face was priceless!
My goals are mostly stuff having to do with house projects, kids, exercise, etc. (Anyone have good tips on motivating kids to get out the door in the morning with minimal fuss?? Yikes - what a morning we had. Three very non-morning people trying to get going with minimal crabbiness is seemingly impossible!:))
I am still trying to figure out how to set goals in regards to an MLC husband. He still barely lifts a finger around here though is engaging more with stuff with the kids. I just don't know how to do that . . . especially with relationship stuff.
I will say that he has done several little "goals" I had in the past couple of weeks and the only one I really "manipulated" was the reading with my D at night - I sent her to ask him to read and he did. First time in probably a year!! Now to see if we can get it being a regular thing again . . .
This whole being able to ask/live without expectations has been great. It even works well in relationship to other people besides my H! Who knew.
I am still trying to figure out how to set goals in regards to an MLC husband. He still barely lifts a finger around here though is engaging more with stuff with the kids. I just don't know how to do that . . . especially with relationship stuff.
Easy answer here.......you don't..
Sorry, but that is the answer for that.
You cannot hold yourself responsible for HIS relationship with his children....
Living with an MLCer, makes you WANT to try to set goals for them. To try to wake them up faster, to minimize the damage to the kids, to make it easier on yourself, and a whole host of other reasons.
Unfortunately, that really doesn’t work very well.
He will not reach your goals right now. At least not in the way you hope for. Unfortunately, by doing that you are setting yourself up for disappointment because you have expectations of what you would like to see. So at this point, you are only hurting yourself, even if you don’t realize it.
Your goals, even with regards to the house, have to be for you now. Things that you can do, will learn to do, whatever. If he decides to do something, boy what a nice surprise. But you cannot count of him to do any of it. It sucks. But it doesn’t. It is all in your perception.
Your H is the person responsible for HIS relationship with the kids, not you. The only thing you can really do with that is to be the best mother you can be, love them, be there for them, and let him be. And revel in the relationship you are building with your children. Showing them what true strength and grace in the face of adversity looks like. The rewards that you gain from that are immeasurable. As difficult and sad as it is, it is what has to happen.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Okay, I get it. No goals for H. One less thing to have to check off my list.
My problem with goals for me is that I have all these things floating around in my head but my follow through is sporadic. Part of that is intentional, but there are some things that I need to sort out exactly what I want to accomplish and get the steps in order so that I can do that.
