I think I better come back on here and post once in a while. I seem to do better when I do, and so many of you have comments/advice that really help me along.
I talked to my H last night (as I always have to do, because he won't ever bring up anything wrong). It's been over a year since we have had sex, and I told him how I felt about that. Basically it has come to the point where I don't have the desire for him anymore, and he has the fear of what will happen if we do (he won't perform, or it will be bad, or I will be unsatisfied, etc.) So, we are in a gridlock. We agreed that most books or counselors would probably say to "just do it". Yet, we are both worried that it will make it worse. I have these "nonfeelings" for him and as we talked about it more I feel like I have built up some pretty good walls that make it hard to enjoy him. Some are legitimate, but they are walls nonetheless that would not be there if we had a normal sex life (i.e., the way he kisses is driving me nuts, the way he touches me is driving me nuts, etc.) We discussed some of these things but again I think they are only there because our relationship is so messed up right now.
After reading that you may think that we are headed for divorce. But, we are not. We both see the change. I would never have come to him with a discussion like that before...instead, it would have just built up, and then I would be ripe for an affair. The talking is good. Now we need a solution. Why can't we just take the jump? I don't understand how he can't be dying with the lack of sex...aren't men suppose to be like that? I mean, doesn't it get to a point where you just NEED it? I don't want the mushy stuff, I want to see him desire me and need me and want me..... Yet, the screwed up thing is...NOW...even if he did finally show that i don't think I would feel the same way back...so much time has passed now.
There is some update on the affair details. Guess who is now working about 3 blocks away from my house? Yep, OM. THis can't be helping. Do we move? Nope, we can't afford to. How do I know he is there? He called. I didn't answer phone calls for months for that reason, but I answered it one day and sure enough it was him. He didn't say anything other than wanting to know how I was doing and I think he wanted me to know he was working at this place. I remember saying how I was glad I didn't walk into his place of business without knowing he worked there. That would not have been good. He agreed. He sent me an email (he found the email that I don't give out somehow. It is also one my H can look at anytime) that said he could see that I have moved on and that he needed to as well. Of course I didn't respond. So, I think I handled it all well, although I'm sure many would say I needed to tell my H about the call and email. I disagree. Again, we have enough problems. If he looked at the email (which he can at any time) he would just see that the OM still thinks about me and that I don't respond to him.
So, that's where I'm at. Kind of at a standstill. Puppy, if you are reading this, you can see why I watch your life pretty closely. I know you and Mrs. Puppy had some of the same issues. I dont' want to separate, and either does my H, but I need to get to the point you and she are at. I don't want to go years without more than a friendship with my H. I mean, we do things for each other that just friends would not do, but you know what I mean. I do trust in God, but I also know God doesn't just do things for you, you have to work at things as well. I just don't know what to do to make things better.
I realize that we are the lucky few that have "made it", but we still have issues (consequences of ignoring our relationship for so long, and then me having affairs).
There are still triggers all of the time, and having the OM close by does not help. So, I wonder if it will ever go away. Is there anyone here that has had an affair that does not think of the old OM still? The crazy part is that I know that I am happier with my H and that he is a more attractive man and a better man, etc. so why dwell on it?? ...probably because I have not had sex with my H....until we do.....I'll have this problem. Agree?
COunseling maybe? For each of us separately? Together? Get the Passionate Marriage book? I keep meaning to do that, but haven't yet. I don't know? Any thoughts?
