Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[SDFoundGirl]

I used to set goals just to get through the next hour without crying. And then another hour, then another, until I could up it to a day or a week. I kept myself BUSY and active. Moving in some fashion helps work out the nervous, negative energy that accumulates during this time. Dance around the house while you do housework...or just dance around the house. Go for a walk. Wash the car. Run errands. It really does help, although at first you just have to fake the funk.

So, the question: would you rather have H back and have him continue to contact this woman, continue to lie to you? Are you willing to pay that price to get him back? If the answer is no, then this is a necessary step toward possible reconciliation.

Were you thinking the ultimatum would shock him into dropping contact with OW? It might...just not on an immediate timeline. But to act with an attachment to a specific outcome is setting yourself up for heartache every time. It's manipulation, not loving detachment.

Use this time to get clear about what's right for Ashlee, what she will and will not accept in her life. When you can speak your mind and make decisions that are in alignment with your values and needs regardless of the outcome, then you will be in a good, individuated space.

I know this is hard. My H maintained a weak friendship with OW for quite a while, but it was clear he no longer had interest in her. I could have just sucked it up and let it fester...after all, we had reconciled, and our M was better than ever. However, it was not OK with me, and especially not okay when he'd started to hide it from me. I finally told him he could stop contact immediately, or the next time I found out he'd been socializing with her, he could take his happy azz right on out of the house, because I was not going to be disregarded and disrespected like that.

The thing is, I was clear, and at that point, I was okay with whatever way he chose. I was detached from the outcome, and doing what I had to do FOR MY WELL BEING. Would it have hurt if he'd chosen to do otherwise? Yes. But it already hurt like hell that he was choosing to do something hurtful to me anyway.

You will feel better. Now, get up and get moving. You will be okay no matter what...and for your M to be healthy, this was a necessary move.

SD