Lightbulb is BLAZING NEON now!

[Zoo]

AARRRGGGHHHH!

I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!!

Now I feel like a complete idiot

Thanks SHiny, I read your post just as H walked in the door. He was downstairs rattling away and I was up here desperately thinking "180? 180?"

Yes, I jumped to conclusions. Yes, I spun myself out of control needlessly and Yes, I feel most contrite and a wee bit ashamed today

My 180's:

1. I did not "suck it up" and "control" my emotional state. H has made noises that he dislikes when I do this...it leads to much loud mumbling and slamming about of dishware. I just sat in front of the comp in a "moment of silence" and breathed.

2. I did not hit H with the "where were you, why didn't you call" teary tirade. H came upstairs and saw me just sitting with my head in my hands. He asked what was wrong.

M-I'm stressed
H-I'm sorry hon.
M- ( breathe,breathe )
H- (puts his arms around me) I don't even get a kiss?
M-Yes
M- I knew I wouldn't deal well when pack season started.
H- It hasn't started!
M- I thought it started Monday.
H- It starts next week. I had to fix some problems at work at the last minute. People can't do their *&$%(@ paperwork right.
M- I feel so awkward today. I have had my feelings hurt and I'm not dealing well with it.
H- What's wrong?
M- I told you most of it earlier. I was upset that you were late and didn't call. I felt like you had blown me off because of the conversation we had this evening regarding phone calls.
H- No hon, not at all!
M- Well, I know this sounds kind of stupid but...I have not had you tell me ILY today. I prefer that you say it first rather then me say it. I have been doing it this way for the past few months because I felt I was using it in the wrong context. I thought you were aware of this.
H- I didn't say it?
M- You might have said it this afternoon. I said it first and you mumbled something which I thought was ILY as you closed the door. You did not say it at all this evening when you left. It almost seemed like you did it on purpose.
H- I know I said it this afternoon. I thought I said it this evening. I'm sorry.

(I explained more about the reason I was trying to refrain from saying ILY first)

M-I realize that now is probably not the time to discuss this, you are busy and I should just be quiet about it and wait until later.
H- NO,NO! Hon, I am a guy. I'm not real good at the emotional parts of an R. You have to tell me these things or I'll never know about them. I'm not good at guessing so I don't even try.
M- I am uncomfortable about telling you these things. I feel like I'm being nit-picky if I have to point everything out.
H- You wouldn't be being nit-picky
M-I don't want it to seem like I am saying you do nothing right...you have been doing plenty of things right! I had just hoped that you would be able to realize some of this on your own.
H- Like I said hon, I'm a guy.
M-Thank's for letting me talk. I do hope I didn't make your headache worse.
H- You haven't hon. It's no problem talking about these things.

That is the basic conversation. We talked about some of the details more in depth. H wasn't upset by any of it which was a weight off my shoulders. I did try to stop the convo because I knew his head was bothering him and he was trying to check on some things online but he wanted to hear me out.

This is a big 180 for H, probably more so then me. Before he would have snapped at me, told me I was being paranoid and then totally shut me out. I would have gone downstairs and wallowed in self-pity and the rest of the night would have been spent in silence Not angry silence...the kind of silence where you know further pursuit of the issue is a moot point.

We are learning

H woke me up in the middle of the night...kissing on my back No, no but just a lot of touching I finally got him to relax enough for his headache to go away. He told me my hands were "Magic" He held me in his arms the rest of the night which felt SOOOO good! We both kept dozing off and waking up again...he'd pull me up closer and start kissing on me and rubbing my arm then the next thing I knew he'd be snoring again

So Zoo went mental for no reason what so ever:( I'm still mad about that How long is it gonna take for it to sink in that I'm not dreaming...that the reality is I have a good thing going now?? I drive myself nuts I'm telling ya...NUTS!!

Positives
1. Was able to talk things through with H without the whole thing blowing up in my face.

2. H listened and was understanding of my distress.

3. It was not a one way conversation. H participated and I gained some incite into his thought and emotional process. I do need to be careful here that I don't abuse this.

4. I was able to stick to mostly "I" statements. I did not go down the path of being accusatory and nagging.

5. H held me in his arms all night.


Zoo