Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[Faith2010]

Thanks Fallgirl.


I'm feeling anxious now. I so bad want to call or write H a letter and tell him how much I love him and how much I don't want a separation. I won't but part of me really wants to.

[Faith2010]

Went to Church tonight. Couldn't make it through the service.

All I feel is pain and hurt. Right now it doesn't feel like it's ever going to get better. I wish I could see past the pain. I can't.

It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. It feels like I'm never going to stop crying.

I want the pain to stop.

[mishka422]

(((((Ashlee)))))))

Sweet girl, I'm so sorry honey. I know you feel like you will never feel happy again and that your life has fallen apart. This is only a temporary feeling but you're going to have to go through it.

One day at a time.

There is a reason that they use that phrase in AA. It's because looking any further ahead than that can cause relapse. Think of the way you love your H as an addiction. He is not the man you fell in love with so he is now bad for you, much as alcohol is bad for an alcoholic. The addiction has to be treated and sometimes the only way is to be separated from it.

Make sense?

You have my contact info in the alt. You can always reach me if you need to talk.

[Fallgirl]

Ashlee I`m with you in the pain place.

I`m also very interested to read about the co dependency aspect to our partners behaviour.I really fed into H`s anger for so long without realising it

Whether its addiction or not, it seems the one thing you must be willing to do is let your H go. Can`t be the needy person pestering him to stay.

So of course you don`t send that letter.

You`ve gotta up the Fun Stakes for you. Even though you don`t feel like playing!You`ve gotta do it for your kid`s sake, as well as your own.

Have fun every day. Simple stuff. Make a list.

My idea of fun is
Bath by candlelight
walk/run in the woods
Walk on the beach in moonlight
Cycle in the rain
Draw
Catch up with old friends/make new ones
switch around clothes in my wardrobe
Change my make up

You get the idea-doesn`t have to cost a fortune. All about doing something different, something you wouldn`t normally do, have an adventure just for you.

Can you think of this as perhaps being the best thing that ever happened to you? Can you think that there is a huge learning for you in all of this? That H leaving could actually open a new chapter of something wonderful for you in life?

I hate H leaving. I hate this whole process. But I know I can`t control it. And I know I can`t stop it. Gotta let God and let go. Trust that everything will be okay.

I am staying as close to God as I can. Being still and listening for the first time in my life.Finding the real me in all of this.

And I squeeze whatever fun I can out of my life one day at a time.

Huge Hugs ((((Ashlee))))

[mishka422]

Everything fallgirl said is right on the money Ash.

Use this time for you and your son.

How is your son coping with the latest? Angry? Hurt? Resigned?

Yes, it feels like the world is crashing in on you right now but that is the time to gather your strength and your friends around you. Accept help from people when they offer. Pray A LOT! Get involved in something - new bible study class, art class, new walking regimine. Something that takes your mind away from the sitch.

We're all here for you Ash.

[ClingingToHope]

There is a reason that they use that phrase in AA. It's because looking any further ahead than that can cause relapse. Think of the way you love your H as an addiction. He is not the man you fell in love with so he is now bad for you, much as alcohol is bad for an alcoholic. The addiction has to be treated and sometimes the only way is to be separated from it.

Make sense?

That's the best advice I've heard or read in weeks. So hard to actually do though. Just get through the week.

[SDFoundGirl]

I used to set goals just to get through the next hour without crying. And then another hour, then another, until I could up it to a day or a week. I kept myself BUSY and active. Moving in some fashion helps work out the nervous, negative energy that accumulates during this time. Dance around the house while you do housework...or just dance around the house. Go for a walk. Wash the car. Run errands. It really does help, although at first you just have to fake the funk.

So, the question: would you rather have H back and have him continue to contact this woman, continue to lie to you? Are you willing to pay that price to get him back? If the answer is no, then this is a necessary step toward possible reconciliation.

Were you thinking the ultimatum would shock him into dropping contact with OW? It might...just not on an immediate timeline. But to act with an attachment to a specific outcome is setting yourself up for heartache every time. It's manipulation, not loving detachment.

Use this time to get clear about what's right for Ashlee, what she will and will not accept in her life. When you can speak your mind and make decisions that are in alignment with your values and needs regardless of the outcome, then you will be in a good, individuated space.

I know this is hard. My H maintained a weak friendship with OW for quite a while, but it was clear he no longer had interest in her. I could have just sucked it up and let it fester...after all, we had reconciled, and our M was better than ever. However, it was not OK with me, and especially not okay when he'd started to hide it from me. I finally told him he could stop contact immediately, or the next time I found out he'd been socializing with her, he could take his happy azz right on out of the house, because I was not going to be disregarded and disrespected like that.

The thing is, I was clear, and at that point, I was okay with whatever way he chose. I was detached from the outcome, and doing what I had to do FOR MY WELL BEING. Would it have hurt if he'd chosen to do otherwise? Yes. But it already hurt like hell that he was choosing to do something hurtful to me anyway.

You will feel better. Now, get up and get moving. You will be okay no matter what...and for your M to be healthy, this was a necessary move.

SD

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Great, great stuff, SD.

Puppy

[Faith2010]

Thank all of you.

Each of you bring up so many good points. I need to start to focus.

I feel like my mind is going in so many directions and there's so much to think about. I'm not sure where to start.

I know this is the right thing to do. I also realize I have been reacting to his actions.

I need to break it down but I don't know how.

I need boundaries.

I need to start with H coming and going as he pleases.

I feel like I'm a basket case. Sometimes I think rationally and other times I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

S is doing okay...I'd say he's resigned.

Not sure if I'm making any sense.

[Faith2010]

I don't know how to do this. I don't. I hate this feeling. I hate this pain.

I need the man I married. He's the one who was always there. He's the one I turned to. He no longer exists and I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I get so angry...then I get so sad. Knowing he doesn't give a crap about me absolutely kills me.

It feels like my life has been taken away from me. I hate when it hits me like this.