Lightbulb is BLAZING NEON now!

[talitsa]

Zoo, I agree with your H about being a success story. You got tons of affirmation. Please don't beat yourself up or feel guilty for still being in the healing process.

[NoLongerHere]

Hey Zoo -

Sounds like a lot of positives to me!!

I know what you mean about still being wary, though... I think that now I've been trained to see my M in one of two modes: (1) before the bomb: near death and feeling bad; (2) after the bomb: even closer to death and feeling hope. It's almost like I'm afraid to relax, because NOT relaxing give me hope... for us action-oriented people it's hard. My C is telling me to enjoy the status-quo for now... live in the moment and give this time to mature.

HIs calls might have had something to do with a "bad feeling" he had been having since Thurs. night. He said he just had this "feeling" like something was going to happen and he was real tense until he got most of the way home About an hour away from the house he said it finally just disappeared. He asked me if I had "seen" anything and I told him no, but that I did have an uneasy feeling the day he left. Nothing concrete though so I dodn't mention it to him.

THis might be worth thinking about - what was going on when this happened? We tended to have those periods of vague unease too - if this tends to be a continuing pattern, it might be worthwhile to dig a little.

Sounds like you did a great job with your PMA, hiding your disappointment at different moments. You're doing GREAT with your communication - I know for us, our communication has improved SO MUCH and it make a big difference.

Great job, Zoo - give it time and those feelings of warriness will subside...

- Bill

[psluke]

Hi Zoo,

I'm too tired to post so how about if I just tell you how happy I am for you and H!!!

[nightshade]

Hey ZOo:)
It's so good to read your post.
It sounds great and it's just what is needed to boost the morale:)
Hugs to you
nigthshade

[Zoo]

Yesterdays post was great...today's is another matter

I'm not in the best of moods right now...somewhere between hurt and angry and a little confused

Maybe I shouldn't have had that talk with H last night, maybe it is just the weather, maybe it is just me and my own brain.

I wanted to cry most of this evening...I hate when I get like that Part of it was because H didn't call me today (something he has been pretty good about) and showed up late for supper. Part was because H didn't say ILY first to me this aftenoon and then didn't say it at all when he left for work Yes, he kissed and hugged me and said I'll see you in a few hon but it was almost like he didn't say ILY on purpose. I know I shuold be glad of the other stuff but this is something that has been working well for us and now I have to wonder what is up?

Did I make a mistake by telling him why I was having a bad day when he asked? I did say that I missed his not calling me, that I look foward to the phone call and it makes me feel good. I also pointed out that in the past he usually avoids calling me when he is doing something he knows will upset me. Maybe I shouldn't have said that?? I clarified it by saying that I knew that wasn't the case this time, that I realized he had work to do, but that his phone calls help me to keep at bay my runaway thinking. I later asked if my telling him about my bad mood put him off...he said not at all but I still can't help but wonder.

Should I discuss the whole ILY sitch with him? I mean, I stopped saying it in order to relieve some of the pressure that was on him a few months ago. I also felt that I might have been saying it too much in the wrong context or as a defensive statement. I struggle with this every day because I WANT to say it to him on occasion besides just at night before we go to bed. The few times I have tried it though...just to test the waters...I get an automated response that lacks any shred of sincerity. The only exception is at night before we go to sleep.

H has read DR...he knows about the whole "stop saying ILY" premise. I should think that he would realize how difficult this is for me to do. I guess it is a hang-up of mine My XH2 would not tell me ILY...ever. He felt he didn't need to say it since he was with me...it was something I should have known without needing to hear the words I CANNOT bring xh2 thing with H...that is a definite no-no.

I know I posted some about this ILY sitch on Sage's thread but it is really sucking at my brain and heart right now. I told H that I was doing my best not to take out my bad day on him but this just is going to make it harder for me


Zoo

[NoLongerHere]

Hey Zoo -

Somethings this whole things seems like a struggle as to what to say vs what not to say... good communication vs. good DBing... A lot of times through this process I did feel very controlled, limiting what I said so that there was no pressure, no negative feelings, and as an overall pattern that was good. Some of the big breathroughs, though, seemed to follow from conversations where I finally just said what was on my mind - just straightforward - and she responded to it. It opened up the doors - but maybe because she was ready for it, good timing and all. Ideally in our relationships we should be able to communicate the things that are important to us. There is a point where we need to be less controlled and just trust, I guess, that the right thing to do is to give up the whole honest shebang. We don't want to live our whole lives being guarded - and to some degree I think that the timing has to be less "calculated" and more of - well, this is who I am, and this is what I've got to say, and I trust that you love me enough that it's okay - and to some degree it doesn't MATTER because I'm not going to hide and guard my feelings.

I think that trying to avoid the negativity and pressure comes down to more of the attitude, the feeling of the communication.

Sometimes my W is still distant, doesn't say ILY, whatever, and I've realized that everything going on with her doesn't have to do with me - I give her space, etc. I remind myself that her participation in the R is never something I can expect or extract - it's her choice. But I'm not always her focus... plus, I've got my own job to do bringing postive energy into the R, and maybe that's my way of getting her to respond.

Ah, late-night musings, what I've written might not make any sense. I should get going to bed. Night Zoo, good thoughts your way - {{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Zoo]

NOw I am really stressing

I KNEW this would happen, I warned H it would happen but I am REALLY starting to wig out

This has been the first time in a long while that H has been late coming home from work. I think it is even worse because I mentioned the importance of a phone call when something like this might occur. I have not got one yet

This is actually stressing me more then having H mad at me if anyone can believe that is possible. I dare not call H either for fear he will think I am "checking up" on him

This is not good...I really don't like this feeling and thought I had reached the point I could put it behind me. I'm getting that nauseaus, going tothow up any minute thing going. I was never prone to anxiety until this whole mess started and too be honest I highly resent H's lack of thought for stirring it all up again

His "I have to work" excuse is going to have a hard time cutting it with me tonight. He can pick up a phone any time he wants...hell, he can leave any time he wants after 11pm. I see this as showing no respect and him giving in once again to his own selfishness

Now I am starting to weep.

DAMN,Damn,DAMN!!!

Zoo

[shinybear]

Deep Breaths, hon.....

Yes, he is being inconsiderate by not calling...but you don't KNOW what is going on...there may well be a valid reason.

If not...is it possible that he took your conversation as somewhat controlling (doesn't look that way here, but to HIM???)...a bit of MLC rebellion perhaps?

So....what can YOU do as a 180 on this when he DOES get home...????

Shiny

[Zoo]

AARRRGGGHHHH!

I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!!

Now I feel like a complete idiot

Thanks SHiny, I read your post just as H walked in the door. He was downstairs rattling away and I was up here desperately thinking "180? 180?"

Yes, I jumped to conclusions. Yes, I spun myself out of control needlessly and Yes, I feel most contrite and a wee bit ashamed today

My 180's:

1. I did not "suck it up" and "control" my emotional state. H has made noises that he dislikes when I do this...it leads to much loud mumbling and slamming about of dishware. I just sat in front of the comp in a "moment of silence" and breathed.

2. I did not hit H with the "where were you, why didn't you call" teary tirade. H came upstairs and saw me just sitting with my head in my hands. He asked what was wrong.

M-I'm stressed
H-I'm sorry hon.
M- ( breathe,breathe )
H- (puts his arms around me) I don't even get a kiss?
M-Yes
M- I knew I wouldn't deal well when pack season started.
H- It hasn't started!
M- I thought it started Monday.
H- It starts next week. I had to fix some problems at work at the last minute. People can't do their *&$%(@ paperwork right.
M- I feel so awkward today. I have had my feelings hurt and I'm not dealing well with it.
H- What's wrong?
M- I told you most of it earlier. I was upset that you were late and didn't call. I felt like you had blown me off because of the conversation we had this evening regarding phone calls.
H- No hon, not at all!
M- Well, I know this sounds kind of stupid but...I have not had you tell me ILY today. I prefer that you say it first rather then me say it. I have been doing it this way for the past few months because I felt I was using it in the wrong context. I thought you were aware of this.
H- I didn't say it?
M- You might have said it this afternoon. I said it first and you mumbled something which I thought was ILY as you closed the door. You did not say it at all this evening when you left. It almost seemed like you did it on purpose.
H- I know I said it this afternoon. I thought I said it this evening. I'm sorry.

(I explained more about the reason I was trying to refrain from saying ILY first)

M-I realize that now is probably not the time to discuss this, you are busy and I should just be quiet about it and wait until later.
H- NO,NO! Hon, I am a guy. I'm not real good at the emotional parts of an R. You have to tell me these things or I'll never know about them. I'm not good at guessing so I don't even try.
M- I am uncomfortable about telling you these things. I feel like I'm being nit-picky if I have to point everything out.
H- You wouldn't be being nit-picky
M-I don't want it to seem like I am saying you do nothing right...you have been doing plenty of things right! I had just hoped that you would be able to realize some of this on your own.
H- Like I said hon, I'm a guy.
M-Thank's for letting me talk. I do hope I didn't make your headache worse.
H- You haven't hon. It's no problem talking about these things.

That is the basic conversation. We talked about some of the details more in depth. H wasn't upset by any of it which was a weight off my shoulders. I did try to stop the convo because I knew his head was bothering him and he was trying to check on some things online but he wanted to hear me out.

This is a big 180 for H, probably more so then me. Before he would have snapped at me, told me I was being paranoid and then totally shut me out. I would have gone downstairs and wallowed in self-pity and the rest of the night would have been spent in silence Not angry silence...the kind of silence where you know further pursuit of the issue is a moot point.

We are learning

H woke me up in the middle of the night...kissing on my back No, no but just a lot of touching I finally got him to relax enough for his headache to go away. He told me my hands were "Magic" He held me in his arms the rest of the night which felt SOOOO good! We both kept dozing off and waking up again...he'd pull me up closer and start kissing on me and rubbing my arm then the next thing I knew he'd be snoring again

So Zoo went mental for no reason what so ever:( I'm still mad about that How long is it gonna take for it to sink in that I'm not dreaming...that the reality is I have a good thing going now?? I drive myself nuts I'm telling ya...NUTS!!

Positives
1. Was able to talk things through with H without the whole thing blowing up in my face.

2. H listened and was understanding of my distress.

3. It was not a one way conversation. H participated and I gained some incite into his thought and emotional process. I do need to be careful here that I don't abuse this.

4. I was able to stick to mostly "I" statements. I did not go down the path of being accusatory and nagging.

5. H held me in his arms all night.


Zoo

[nightshade]

Zoo that was such a good way of dealing with the whole situation!!!! YOu should be proud of yourself.
I know the amount of effort involved to do it.... quite well !!! :)

And in the ende you guys ended up really communicating much better than if you had started with "where were you and why didn't you call? " as he came in.
Very good!
Hugsies
nightshade