UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks ladies! I do feel better this past few days.

I have gone over yesterday 1,000 times in my mind and have analysed from small to large events - I guess that I'm looking for stuff and second guessing, which I know is wrong. However, it makes me feel better - for ME.

I did note that H was not exuding happiness and he now has physical symptoms which he is going to see a GP about. I gave him my diagnosis and he agreed - he is stressed. I asked him why he thought that was - I was sure that he now had all that he wanted ... he guffawed and said "yeah right - what do you THINK I am stressed about?" Five months down the track, is that good or bad?

He really distressed me with one comment that he made "if I hadn't left, I would have commited suicide" ... I thanked him for making me feel so good about myself - that he would say that to me - that I could make anyone feel that way. It broke my heart - I have no idea of even WHY he has actually left, never mind that he felt this bad. The more I look for an answer to this question, the more he tells me it's a 'cheesless tunnel' (not that he knows that term).

He then went on to say that it was my fault that he had to leave as I was so verbally abusive after the bomb was dropped - ha! go figure. Yes, too right I was - shall we call it anger, hysteria, disbelief, retaliation?? Anyhow, his comment about the suicide has quite literally tipped me upside down as I would NEVER EVER have even thought of that entering my H's head - he's far too sensible, level headed and even egotistical to think such a thing. I can only view this as him trying to punish me even more for what has happened :o(

Despite this, H made a few faux pas which I'm not sure that he even realised. He showed jealousy in one remark that I made about having someone over for dinner. I asked if he would take some meat out of the freezer back with him and he agreed, though looked perplexed, with me being a veggie. When I explained that there were two meat options for dinner and my guest had chosen the other, he refused to take it!! I chuckled about that and can still get a grin from it!! I just wonder what he thought and who he thought my dinner guest was?!! That was certainly short, blunt and mysterious working at it's best - his face was priceless!!

I watched with interest and amusement each time he slipped back into almost being H - and seemingly 'enjoying' it ... yet the pullbacks were immediate as he realised what he was doing.

H goes on his business trip tomorrow so I shan't hear a thing now. I shall remain nc as long as I can ... certainly until next week at the earliest and review the situation then. I know that going dark does not work for either of us.

People at work have commented today how happy I look as we start the new week (they know nothing of our S) and must think that I am normally a right miserable person!! Makes me chuckle but flip the coin and it makes me sick that it is purely crumbs from H that can put a smile back on my face and a spring in my heart.