My H and I have always been best friends. We had other friends of course, though I'm more introverted and he's more extroverted, but we always preferred doing things together. That all changed when we moved to a new city/state in March. He had taken a promotion within his company and the modis operandi at this location was much different from the location he came from. He is now an executive and expected to socialize and entertain the corporate bigwigs when they come into town - and they come around a lot. The first few months he managed to juggle his work/social/home life. Gradually that started to change - it was all work/social and no home. When he was at home, he completely tuned out. I noticed this shift around the 4th of July.
The first dark period occurred in August. He went an entire week of nights out - sometimes not coming home until 4 am. If there was an event he was co-hosting (charity auction or whatnot) he would crash at whatever hotel it was being held at. His party lifestyle was out of control. He claimed to be having the time of his life. We were constantly arguing. At one point I threatened to move back to the city we had come from. It was an empty threat said in the heat of the moment and it's been biting me in the butt ever since.
Last week he had a bigwig in town and was out wining/dining him every night. He would come home after I was asleep, but not superlate. I kept a good attitude about it b/c he had been upfront about it. Friday evening he came home on time and I told him about some good things going on in my life (new client, possible promotion). He was distant/tuned out. Saturday was a normal day - watched football. Sunday we woke up and that's when he dropped the bomb. Said he cared about me but didn't know if he loved me anymore. Wanted to separate for a while. Wants to seek counseling to work on communication but doesn't want to change his behavior. He took off his ring and "moved" into the living room (he sleeps on couch but is still coming home very late at night, if at all - he crashes at his boss's house some nights).
He is adamant that our problems have been going on for 2 years now. I haven't been a saint - sometimes when we fought I would get melodramatic and threaten to leave. One night I went to a hotel. Very destructive behavior. Eventually I started seeing a therapist on my own and was diagnosed with depression/anxiety.
Last night H and I talked on the phone (he was still at work) and I apologized for my past behavior. He said he was committed to counseling, but that's the best he could do right now. He does not want to put his ring back on b/c we haven't reconciled yet. From how he was talking, he expects to be diagnosed with something (depression?) and that he expects MC to be a silver bullet to our problems. That he will know after that appointment whether we should be together or not. That kind of thinking scares me. But he is making the right noises about expecting the MC to give us homework as well. I wanted to beg him to come home and give us a fighting chance, but restrained myself thanks to DR book I picked up at the library.
After reading section on MLC in DR, it all came together for me. He's stressed out about major life changes (job, responsibility) and he's freaked out b/c I'm ready for kids (believe me, that's been taken off the table). He grew a beard and bought a luxury car. He's basically running away from everything (back to carefree college party lifestyle). I truly don't believe there's OW in the mix. I think he's clearheaded enough to realize that's a boundary not to be crossed. It's all bromance right now.
I also think he's got some bad influences in his ear right now. He has a weird relationship with his (male) boss. He's young for his position and basically a loser at life. He's twice divorced, an alcoholic (he's been arrested for DUI multiple times), has a gambling addiction, and thinks my H is his best friend. He even got himself a bachelor pad about 10 minutes from our house. He throws money around and my H is eating it up. And b/c this guy is H's boss, he can't untangle himself without hurting his career.
Ugh, I'm so confused. H wants to work on our marriage, but he doesn't. One day can be perfectly normal and drama-free, then the next H will be out partying without a care in the world. From what I've read in DR, the roller coaster in itself is a normal and necessary part. But it sucks!
