Lightbulb is BLAZING NEON now!

[psluke]

Good Morning Zoo,

On this being pursuit behavior, you haven't had an R talk in a while have you? And he did say "sure"!! Then you dropped it so wasn't like you kept hammering at it.

I would think they wouldn't necessarily be long or involved as long as you just touch base once in awhile that their aren't issues that aren't being addressed.

At least I could see David and I needing to do that as our past pattern has been to sweep things under the rug rather than address them with one another.

Of course I guess ideal would be not to have to have R talks unless their is an issue one of you wants addressed. My fear is David would possibly still not bring up his issues unless their is a time specifically to address things.

Ok, don't know if I made any sense or not. Will be interested in seeing how you resolve this one.

Hope you have a great day!

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Zoo,

I saw a post in which you said you were having problems sleeping despite using chamomile.

Post was in my email...and I didn't pay attention to whose thread it was on...so I'm responding on your thread just to be safe!

I've found that very sweaty exercise helps me sleep the entire night through. Before I found that, I'd take various herbs, meditation tapes, etc. Exercise is the only thing that seems to work consistently!

I hope that helps!

Hugs.

[psluke]

Hi Zoo,

Read your post on KAW's thread.

Are you alright?

If you want to chat anytime I had forgotten I have ICQ on my system at home. I am probably PSLuke but wouldn't swear to it as haven't used it in so long.

Hope your headache is better soon.

[Zoo]

Thank you for the concern Pam...I'm OK, I live with headaches most of the time This one just started getting out of hand and med wasn't touching it any. Have taken something else and am hoping to at least get it down to a dull roar

Tried your info in ICQ with no luck ? I can put AOL back on if you would like to chat?

THanks again for checking on me

Zoo

[Zoo]

Well, nothing much has really happened today...bloomin' headache was really starting to get the best of me, thought it was gonna go full blown migraine since meds weren't working A couple of Ultram and 6 tylenol later and that dull roar I was hoping for has arrived...whew!

Got to talk to H twice again today! Lecture ended earlier so he surprised me by calling this afternoon...said he was lonely and missing me and thought it would be good just to hear my voice Chatted a little bit, H said if lecture series ended early he was gonna see if he could catch an earlier flight home.

Before hanging up I asked H if he would call me tomorrow regarding the earlier flight. H said of course but he planned on coming straight back to hotel after supper tonight and thought it would be nice if I called HIM later this evening

Had a nice second convo H said he couldn't wait to get home and he was going to need lots of extra to make up for being gone so long I think he must have HEARD me blushing because he started laughing and asked what's wrong hon??

It has been SOOO long since he has talked like this on the phone to me...sometimes I want to pinch myself really hard just to make sure it is all real. A year and a half ago and our phone convo's lasted all of 10 min. and he'd never give me the number to the room or hotel he was staying in.

A memory just flashed for me though This time last year H got sent to Nashville for a couple of weeks. He remembered my B'day for once and bought me really great presents. H only stayed in a hotel two nights while there then decided to just drive down every other day (3 hr. drive) and come back home.

The last trip H made down was the first time he took me on a business oriented trip with him. We had a great time and he took me all over the place and showed me the sights (I had never been to N'ville before).

During this time frame H was very loving and attentive to me...kind of like he is now and much more so then H had been previously I find myself wondering if H might not have been trying to break it off with OW then??

WHen H was unloading all of his "truths" on me about A and some other things I did ask him about this time frame. One of H's "truths" had been that business trip earlier in the year had involved "being" with OW (they had been sent together by company). I asked H if the same was true for the N'ville trip...did OW accompany H when he stayed down there the first week. H said no...OW never was with him on any of his other trips...just that one earlier.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about the past I have none of the unease or fear eating me up though now. Just looking foward to H returning tomorrow

Positives
1. Talked to H twice today. Loved hearing the smile in his voice while he was talking

2. Got the yard mowed despite having headache. I do not recommend doing this on a bright,sunny day...tends to make the headache worse!

3. H promised lots of ....

Zoo

[KAW]

Good morning Zoo,
Hope you are feeling better today. Those headaches can be real lu-lu's and can sure put a damper on the day. I had on of those last Saturday, Tylenol doesn't do a thing for me. Eventho CAW was in no mood to go out, she picked me up some Excedrin for Migraines. By 4:30 pm I was finally feeling like a person again altho peeved at myself for much of the day was already lost.

I wanted to reply to your prior post but ended up running out of time yesterday.

My going down this path could quite conceivably be considered "pursuit behaviour" which I know is not any good in my sitch

To be conceived as "pursuit behaviour", you would be telling him you need to have a talk which comes across as be controling him to have the talk. You making the choice to talk and forcing it upon him. Hence the air of being needy, demanding, cling, etc... which are the traits of "pursuit behaviour".

By requesting / asking, you are making it his choice by the answer he gives you. If he accepts its by his choice and is not considered as your persuit so long as he knows if he declines, you are OK with that and will let it go for now. Then give is a few days to give him the choice to follow up when he is ready. If not, a gentle reminder using "I" statements, such as "It would really help me out if you would be willing to discuss ..." as a way of asking for what you want.

Subtle changes in tone and word to asking rather than telling, giving him some time to respond back, keeping the gentle reminders about you rather than him ... is the difference between a talk being preceived as persuit or burdoning versus accepting it as a comfortable and productive discussion.

The goal is to make it a comfortable environment in which they will want to feel like talking. By no means am I implying that this is simple to do as I still have yet to find what works to make CAW comfortable enough, but if you find what works to obtain this with your H, you will need not worry having about OR talks. In a healthy R, OR talks are good and should not be shied away from, but like the rest of our DBing efforts such talks were recently clouded with bad memories on both sides, so we need to work at making the good ones outnumber the bad again. Contemplate how to make the talk end on a good note. The more times he feels good just having a talk to you, the more comfortable he will become and the cycle continues...

I'm sorry to hear about the strain between your mother and yourself. I don't have much to offer other than it much easier to apply DBing when trying to correct your dependancy on others than it is to reverse their dependancy on you.

A memory just flashed for me though This time last year H got sent to Nashville for a couple of weeks. He remembered my B'day for once and bought me really great presents. H only stayed in a hotel two nights while there then decided to just drive down every other day (3 hr. drive) and come back home.

The last trip H made down was the first time he took me on a business oriented trip with him. We had a great time and he took me all over the place and showed me the sights (I had never been to N'ville before).

During this time frame H was very loving and attentive to me...kind of like he is now and much more so then H had been previously I find myself wondering if H might not have been trying to break it off with OW then??

There are going to be periods in their turmoil as we DBing where they are gonna wonder is it really possible that this R can be turned around? So they give it a whirl to see how it goes. Some here think of it as the WAS testing us, but it just as much about them too ... how it makes them feel to try for a bit.

Don't put to much energy into analyzing their past action, try to accept it as merely the "natural" progression that had to be taken to get from "there" to "here". Otherwise, you just leave the door wide open to runnaway thinking that more often will take you in the wrong direction and that may ease some of your headaches too ...

Focus on those positives instead ... there are so many ...

'til later,
KAW

[psluke]

Have fun this evening!!!!!

Have a good weekend too, that is great on your folks.

Thanks for occupying me for awhile this morning.

[shinybear]

Hey Zoo!

Glad you averted the migraine...I did the same a few days ago....it's been so long since I had a full blown one, I almost didn't make the pre-emptive strike.

So, KAW, does the excedrine migrain work? Alas it takes FOREVER for new meds to be okayed in Canada.

Zoo, there is SO much GOOD in your R right now...

Kind of sucks that even THIS can cast us back into the past to wonder...


As KAW said...best to soak up the NOW.

Shiny

[psluke]

Hi Zoo,

I'm trying not to do too much responding on the other thread.

But I wanted to stop by and tell you that you are very definitely one of the special people in my life!

I know I have never met any of you but I feel such, friendship love, I think is the best description I can find for it, that I just want to hug all you special people to me.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Zoo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Friendship Love Hug!

[Zoo]

I have been busy posting on other threads and thought it might be a good idea to update mine

H got home from his business trip late Friday night. Was kinda weird in a way because he called me twice again. First thing in the morning to let me know he couldn't get an earlier flight and then he called again when he got to Indy to let me know he was on his way home Poor guy got a standby flight out of Chicago and was hoping to get back an hour early but unfortunaltly his baggage didn't make his flight with him so he had to wait for it to show up! Ended p leavignthe same time he would've if he had taken his scheduled flight.

HIs calls might have had something to do with a "bad feeling" he had been having since Thurs. night. He said he just had this "feeling" like something was going to happen and he was real tense until he got most of the way home About an hour away from the house he said it finally just disappeared. He asked me if I had "seen" anything and I told him no, but that I did have an uneasy feeling the day he left. Nothing concrete though so I dodn't mention it to him.

Things were actually kind of awkward when he first got back. I was expecting a different kind of reception when he saw me again (his phone calls were all about missing me, couldn't wait to get home, wish I was with him etc) but instead he was dog-tired I did hide my disappointment though...couched it in laughter and teasing so he went to bed with a smile on his face

Saturday was really great...we spent most of the day just being together Snuggling and touching,laughing a lot! Was nice to hear him say how GLAD he was to be back home again. A real PMA booster

I did ALMOST blow it last night though H is going into the reserves...a primarily female unit. I just bluntly asked him how he felt he would deal with that, the possibility of sexual temptation and the whole opposite gender dynamic. H started to get defensive. I diffused it by saying I am being open with you about this, I am not saying nor implying that you would pursue anyone , I know that you won't. I am just asking because it is something that crossed my mind. He told me that he worked in a primarily female unit before and had no problems with it and didn't see it as a problem now. I said ok then I changed the subject. Had him smiling again a few minutes later

I posted some of H's observations on Pam's thread and OPT asked if H would read hers and offer suggestions
I told H about this and he got a laugh out of it. Sorry OPT but he said he didn't feel like he could really help any with regards to M considering he almost screwed ours up I did point out to H that you just wanted insight into your H's mind...My H laughed again and said he'd have to think about it

This discussion did open the way to an R talk between us though girls and I thank you so much for that!!

I told H that it crosses many of our minds as to when exactly the H decides to stay with the M. I told him that I really hadn't a clue what got him to turn around. I knew that I started to DB my butt off and was trying anything and everything to show him but it seemed like it came right out of the blue. One day he wouldn't even look at me and a few days later he was looking at me in a way I hadn't seen in forever.

H said he really didn't know how to explain it other than he KNEW that he would never find any one better than me. He said that he thought about it and thought about it and until he knew that it was what he wanted. No lightening bolts or anything like that...he just KNEW he loved me "like that". I asked him if there was anything in particular that I did to change his mind. H said not really, it was more like everything. He said you did what the book said to do and that helped, backing off and giving me space helped.

I asked him if he truly felt he had reached the point where he knew for sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He said yes I do .

We discussed the OW. I asked what helped him to see that sitch differently. He said avoiding it all together. By avoiding it he realized that he didn't feel the way he initially thought he did. I made the statement that he told me when I disappeared for 2 yrs that he thought about me constantly...it is partly what told him how he felt about me. I told him that I did have a concern that he might approach the OW sitch the same way and that he may just tell me out of the blue that he made a mistake and wanted to go back to that sitch. H said he didn't think about OW like that so it wouldn't be a problem.

I told him that I would like for us to possibly set aside some time every couple of months or so to discuss our R. I asked if he would be agreeable to this and if he felt we would benefit from it as well. H said he thought it might and we could probably do so. I said that I want to make this R better then what it was and H concurred. He also agreed that it would probably help keep us from sliding back into old habits and we both want to avoid that We will see if he still agrees in a few months

I also broached the placation issue. I just bluntly asked if he still caught himself placating me. H said yes, on occasion. I asked what made him have this type of response...what brought it on? He said he usually does it when his interest is elsewhere and I pick that time to ask questions or talk about something. He half listens and tells me what he thinks I want to hear just so I'll leave him alone so he can go back to reading or watching TV or whatever

I saw a great irony in this because I had just realised that he was watching stuff about the atomic bomb on TV (one of his many interests). I asked him with that in mind if he was placating me now He laughed at me and said no. He doesn't placate me about important things...just mundane stuff ( what do you think about painting the middle room dark red?....yeah...sounds good to me if you think it would look good... ) He also said that he doesn't do it anywhere near like he use to.

I wanted to tell him to STOP doing it at all! I wanted to tell him that I would rather he tell me that he was reading or whatever right now and would prefer that I wait and we could discuss it when he could give it all of his attention! Would that be an unreasonable request for me to make? I let the subject drop so he sould finish watching his program but I still WANT to say those things to him

H did say this weekend that we are a "Success story" (I think I posted that elsewhere?) and he has no lingering doubts concerning the R/M. I know it is crazy...what more affirmation could a person want...but I still feel a little wary. I'm pretty sure this feeling will fade over time but for right now it is there and I struggle with it
WHACK,THUMP!!!

Zoo