Hey JR, Looks like you're going through a lot of what has to hit you on yet another quiet weekend. While I think the answer to your question is yes, a lot of WAS do think about their spouses more than one might expect - I think the deeper matter is what you're doing with your thoughts. Don' start sabotaging your own progress with too many thoughts about things that are so far out of your control. For some people, I think even having the spouse in the same home is not indicator how whether or not the WAS is thinking about things...
Do you think it's possible for your W to think about your sons without thinking of you? Especially at their age? As you know, my situation is different from yours since reconciliation is already off the table for me - but I know, nevertheless, that my STBX thinks about me - sometimes I learn it through conversations with her sisters (who still wants to remain friends with me) - sometimes I just pick up on it through stuff she says in email. That said, I imagine a lot of what she thinks of me is negative - since she has had to foster a very negative impression of me in order to justify her actions - so - what do I do? I remain true to myself. I think the same goes for you - though the circumstances are different. You stay true to yourself - and put your energy there - and I think you'll be fine.
I think the more support you can offer your W - while still staying true to yourself - the more calm you will find with yourself.
I've been physically separated from my STBX since last Oct - though were were separated and still living together since about last May. And yet I still think about her - not that I want to be with her again - though I still think about what I had hoped for - what we had worked toward - and what was lost. My thinking it part of regaining my footing in my life - and trying to separated my sense of self from the unhealthy idea of myself that I had internalized for too many years - and so I think about the ten years I spent with her. My STBX never got past trying to hold me responsible for everything that is wrong in her life - and that's a big difference between my sitch and yours - since I think your W must see how hard you've worked - and she must certainly see how much you care about her and your boys.
DBing is a long and painful process - it's mind numbing how long it can go on - and I do believe its true that it can take much, much longer to get through than one expects - which is why it is just so vital to use that time to work on yourself - improve yourself as much as possible - so that, in the end, if you reconcile, you will be a better person, and if you don't, you will still be a better person.
Also...one thing that crossed my mind as I was reading about your desire to respect your W's wishes - and not pushing things in terms of seeing yours sons - is that you should be sure to find ways to assert yourself in a kind way - to assert yourself and your rights to keep that bond with your boys. The relationship with your children should not be diminished because of the issues with your W...What are you like when she first fell in love with you? Perhaps you can bring those strengths into the considerably patient, calm and kind person you are...All by way of saying that you may have to remind yourself that you're a valuable person that someone would be sad to lose - see yourself that way, accept that about yourself, and that self confidence emanates.
Do you have a scheduled time when you talk with your boys?
