Ok mar, I was really supportive for you in your other thread, still am, don't get me wrong, but seeking sanity's (SS) 2x4 must have been warped or water logged and didn't deal a sufficient blow, so here it goes.
As SS said, you are not accepting responsibility for the A, you are still blaming the problem within the marriage for it and thus making your X 50% responsible for you being with OM. STOP. You need to differentiate the M problems with the A. You chose that route all on your own. And I will tell you the one thing that can really piss a LBS off is to be told and have the notion that your galavanting around with someone else is their fault. Hell, typing that, even blood pressure went up thinking of all the times that my X claimed(s) this.
Secondly, even tho it may have only been a EA, and you may have professed that to your X, guess what, in his mind I can assure he envisions you and OM together and by default the b.s. meter is pegged. You need to assure him 100% that there was no physical interaction involved. Hell again, thinking of my sitch when my X proclaimed they hadn't slept together (yet) I called it b.s. Why? If I may, who was the persuer in the M? Who engaged intimacy 90% of the time? So when that person takes off and is with someone else, human nature and the frailty that is man only assumes, that is happening htere and 10 fold since it's all new and exciting, with no strings attached.
As SS said, I wish as well that my X would give me half the 'chance' you have demonstrated to your X to make things right again. Why? You "think" your X "still cares"? I assure you he does. Especially if you had a cordial D from the way it sounds. Dabbing on my sitch again, our D was horrendous, my X did everything she could to demean me and most importantly take my kids away from me completely. And even after all that, I look at her living conditions, I think about what might happen to her if she lost her income, hell I just worry for her. Why? Because after all that, deep down inside I know I hurt her and made her not want to be with me. Again, not making it an excuse for the A, but I DO still care for my X.
Lastly, you say "He and our son were always my first priority". I will bet you the farm that as result of the A and being partially blamed for it, your X doesn't see it that way at all.
All that said, agreed, you need to somehow, someway reassure him that the A NEVER reached PA status. Whatever takes, I don't know. The good news is, your X seems to still have a "what if" status to him. Usually, or at least with myself and others I converse with here, the game is up when the LBS no longer questions "what if" and says the hell with it and leaves it up to the WAS to live with that question.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Hi Mar, I can understand you want it to work out. I think the DB principle of detachment is important for you. All you can do is work on you and be available if the opportunity presents itself. My point was to open the conversations about the EA, but do it in a way that isn't with the goal of R. More as a way to undo past wrongs. I don't think it would hurt if you brought it up some time but said it in a way that made it clear he wasn't choosing R by talking about it. Does that make sense?
Again, maybe you could say: "I have a lot of regret and it's a wrong I want to resolve with you REGARDLESS of what happens with us." You don't want it to mean he's committing to R if you talk about it. But, as dday said, you need to assure him it wasn't physical (unless it was and then you need to come clean) and give him answers to questions he had, fully and without bs, and without "blame shifting" - ie. the marriage made me do it, you weren't available, etc...
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
Thank you dday and SS, It helps to hear your point of views because I get a better understanding of what he may be thinking. So, what I need to do, if I'm understanding correctly is take our marriage relationship out of the picture when it comes to any discussion about the A and why it happenend and focus on how very sorry I am, and believe me, words can't ever describe how awful I feel for have let that happen. I'm not an alcoholic by any means, but I've pretty much stopped consumption of any alcohol just because I get really depressed when I do and end up reflecting on what I've done and my reaction scares me.
I think with my Ex, I have to wait until he's ready to talk about it. I can see how he would feel re-assurance if I brought it up and made sure he knew it wasn't to commit. The EA did turn to a PA however, very quickly after we parted ways, so I don't know how much I need to stress that.
Some of the positive things I see are that my ExH was somehow understanding and supportive the whole time we've been apart, which I never expected. He and the OM attended some soccer games and a birthday party for our son and actually conversed with each other. Anytime I pick up our son, I see our family pictures that flash on his computer screen and many of them I am in! My ExH seems to ask my opinion on some important issues (if you'd read any of the other threads, mostly about his sister), and seems to value my input. Since I told him I wanted to reconcile, however, he's really gone cold. Don't hear from him much, like I did prior and we used to have long talks on the phone and those kind of stopped too.
So I keep going day by day and hope for the best...
Good start. From your ex's point of view, whether the EA became physical after the separation isn't really a technicality that gets you off the hook. You cheated, and then when he left, instead of pursuing him, you pursued the OM. In a way it's worse because he gave you an opportunity to show him that you loved him and you failed. I'm sure he would have wanted you to pursue him at that point. If it were me, I'd consider this a PA regardless of the separation.
As for him talking to the OM, I can tell you that 3 years out I have to see one of the OM semi-regularly due to mutual activities (plus our daughters are best friends). I suck it up, but inside I think about punching him every time. I hate him, and when I see him it's reminder of how he contributed to a hellish period in my life and my current status as single father of four who leads a life of duty that is most often unappreciated by my 'loved' ones.
You may want to go to: survivinginfidelity.com - it's an excellent resource specifically on affairs.
I don't care, then I do, then I don't, then I do... la de da
I don't know how I ended up with 2 threads, but I posted my great weekend on divorced but want to reconcile...things seem to be going well, I don't want to jinx any of it though and when things go well, I guess I should just continue what I'm doing. I don't call unless it's about our son..I don't pressure about a R and I take care of myself and let him know about the positives in my life and stay upbeat. Look good ect..
