Thanks for checking in on me, FG! Overall, doing okay. Actually pretty good most days, though thinking a lot and trying to process through everything. It makes my head hurt!
And then of course today I was unable to STHU and just had to say something I couldn't just let go. It was just a piece of crazy I was tired of. Anyway, it turned in to a kinda yucky conversation BUT it did show me how truly, truly unhappy/empty/far from normal he really is. I did say a couple of things to him taht are probably very anti MLC-DB politically correct but I just did. Oh, well. It just makes me sad to see how he is now.
I know. Sometimes things just need to be said - I couldn't keep my mouth shut. First he seemed mad and I was "accusing" him of something (which I was, just is a strong word for it). Then he was just sad - teary in fact. He is so unhappy. It is killing me. And yet I can't say to him what I want to about where happiness truly lies. He has to figure that out.
On some level he knows where happiness comes from. It's justy that right now, he is so miserable, he's lost.
I have had a couple of those "couldn't keep my mouth shut" moments. Do they do irrepairable damage? I don't know. As long as you're not vicious, I think it falls under the category of things that need to be said. Just work at keeping them few and far between.
I know how hard that can be with them at home. Ever vigilant is the name of that tune.
I did say the things I said fairly nicely, I think. For sure once we got past the initial "accusation." And boy did I get projected on then - all over me. Blech. I hope I didn't do an irreparable damage. We shall see.
Lost is a good word to describe what I saw today - that and utterly miserable. He has been fairly good at covering that up but it is coming through more and more. Regardless of how he may have rewritten history, I do know him really well.
The good news is it has been awhile since I have had my own spew. Hopefully I can keep my mouth shut for awhile again.
It gets easier with time. Even when they are at home. In some ways having my H at home was harder than it has been with him gone (at least for me, not for D's). Having said that though, I think there is alot of positive that can happen with them there.
It's hard to see them so miserable and not have the ability to do anything to change it. Which is where doing things for yourself is so invaluable.
Do you have any goals that you're working towards?
Sweetie, sometimes thing just have to be said. If you can say it with love, convey the message in as nonblaming a way as possible, and are true to what you feel and you need, then really no irreparable damage can be done.
It is when we start to realize that standing up for ourselves is empowering, that we can start to shift within. Accepting what we can and can not live with, doing what we need to for ourselves, knowing that that will ultimately be the best thing, that our forward motion begins to feel a whole lot less scary.
Is the goal to be cruel or unfair to our S? No, I don’t think so.
One of the steps that I believe we all go through is the realization that the only person we can truly make happy in this world is ourselves. Also that the actions of others to affect us only have the power that we give to it. It may feel selfish to do some of the GAL, detatching, etc… things that we talk about here. But when you are ready to give yourself the permission to do those things, as you realize that you are NOT hurting anyone by focusing on your own happiness and that it is not dependent on others, it becomes easier…
You are going through the process and growing in strength every day.
It is ok to do that.
Have a wonderful day.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
