A lot has changed in the past month. My dad passed. My son's BF died. I stopped waiting for H to change his mind.
After my dad passed, and my H didn't reach out to me, the family or even stop by the hospital to say goodbye to my dad, I realized he is never coming back to me. And I'm doing okay with that. It's been 7.5 months since he left. The only contact has been about bills. So, I decided to stop wondering if/when he'll file and just ask, and if necessary, file for D myself. So, I asked and later I offered to split the filing fee with him.
H thinks he can afford to file next week, so we'll see if he follows up. The process is smoother if it's a joint filing and I am okay with doing this. It's necessary to protect myself financially, and I really don't want to have a nasty D mess up 2010 for me. This has been a tough year, but I remain hopeful that better days are ahead. I don't want to sit around wondering when things are going to happen. I'm taking control, moving ahead, and rollin' down my river.
Glad to hear that you are still rollin' down the river. You have had a rough time but you are still standing. And that says alot!
You have taken control of your part of this sitch by not waiting on your H. I am sure that makes you feel better. As I like to say, reality is not finality. Life goes on and I know that you will be living it. Your H is where he wants to be now and let us wish him well. Let time and space do their work on him while you work on you. If he does come back and you want him, you will know what to do.
Was he too embarassed to reach out to you when your Dad passed? I guess it doesn't make sense to guess what is going on in his head, right?
I'm sorry that you're hurting. A lot has happened. I know you have regrets, and would do a lot of things differently if you had it to do over again. You've made good changes, and I hope you're at peace with them. You did everything you could to keep this from happening.
Remain hopeful that better days are ahead. You sent me some good advice in your last post to me. Thank you. I'll offer that you take the same advice that you sent to me.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Not much happening lately, which is odd after all of the events this summer/fall with my dad and S's friend passing. Now things are quiet. Especially with H... no contact, nothing to talk about. I had offered to split the filing fee and we could file jointly. No response abt that either, and I'm going to leave it alone for awhile.
I've been dreaming abt H lately but it's not in a romantic way. Almost like we have unfinished biz. Maybe that's related to the filing... Still can't quite believe he's gone, living with another woman and hasn't had the kahunas to tell me that. Just moves on and doesn't seem to have any motivation to file and finish things with me. But I could file if I wanted. Have felt lately like I just shouldn't have to do it. He wants this. He can finish it.
As far as GAL and my PMA, I think I'm doing pretty well. Busy with the kiddos, and taking care of my mom. I haven't been exercising unless bagging leaves counts! ...when I get busy it's the first thing to be neglected. A run would be good for me or maybe a spin class. I'll set that as a mini-goal for the week.
That's about all to report... still in limboland, still taking care of my family and myself. I have given up trying to control anything related to H, and am leaving my future in God's hands. I think the future will be pretty great. Just have to be patient and see what happens!
Just saw this post from Lodo, and it's so good I wanted to repost in my thread as a great reminder about acceptance:
People are who they are. In the case of my XW, that means a person who couldn't remain faithful, who couldn't tell me what she wanted, who couldn't tell me how unhappy she was, and ultimately someone who probably doesn't have the skills (right now) to make a long term relationship work. As much as I love her, I can't change that. She has to change that. So I've had to let go, admitting to myself that as much as I tried to convince myself it should be great, it never will be because she isn't who I made her out to be.
Does that make her a bad person? No. It simply makes her who she is.
I know that you made some mistakes in your marriage...we all have. You are responsible, as we all are...and I can tell that you 'own' that. But you are not responsible for your husband's decision to cheat and lie.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Agreed. I'm not responsible for his choices, and there is no way to know if he will ever 'own' those decisions. For a long time, I thought the guilt would get to him and he'd come around... I still think he will re-think his choices someday, but it will be so far down the road that I will have moved on. I feel very confident of that anymore...
update - met H for lunch this week (my request). Talked about his inability to pay the bills he took on and brainstormed with him some ideas. He has the paperwork for the D filing ready, asked what name I'll use post-D. We are going to meet at the courthouse next Friday and file jointly.
I've been in a bit of a slump since then... nothing I'd verbalized with my friends/family but just blue. I want H to be happy, and that means happy even without me, but to see him and sit across the table and talk, and make that eye contact, and have a hug at the end that seemed a little firmer and longer than it needed to be (or was it just me and wishful thinking?), all cause me to feel a little sad.
I've had a song on my mind for awhile and wanted to post it here:
Don Henley The Heart Of The Matter lyrics
I got the call today That I didn't wanna hear But I knew that it would come An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone She said you'd found someone And I thought of all the bad luck, and the struggles we went through And how I lost me and you lost you What are these voices outside love's open door Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more? I'm learning to live without you now But I miss you sometimes The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about...forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me anymore Ah...these times are so uncertain There's a yearning undefined and people filled with rage We all need a little tenderness How can love survive in such a graceless age? Ah...the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness They're the very things - we kill I guess... Ohh pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms And the work I put between us you know it doesn't keep me warm I'm learning to live without you now But I miss you, baby And the more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I'd figured out I have to learn again I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter But I think it's about...forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore There are people in your life who've come and gone They let you down, you know they hurt your pride You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if, you don't love me... Forgiveness (yeah) Forgiveness (baby) Forgiveness (ohh)
Forgiveness...even if you don't love me anymore? Easy to articulate...harder to do. I think it's more important to forgive yourself, and not focus on something that you have no control over. And maybe to just forgive the past, period, instead of focusing on him and forgiving just him.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Forgiveness...even if you don't love me anymore? Easy to articulate...harder to do. I think it's more important to forgive yourself, and not focus on something that you have no control over. And maybe to just forgive the past, period, instead of focusing on him and forgiving just him.
I agree, but when you are ready to forgive him remember,
"To forgive is set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." Lewis B. Smedes
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
