Thanks gang! I suppose as long as I`m checking in here it means on some level I haven`t given up.
I`m hoping for a marriage to rise out of the ashes-DESPITE what my therapist, mediator and family say. Oh and H too. He`s done with this.
"I think that he has to leave in order to find out that you are not the source of his anger. I don't know that he will figure that out, even then, but as long as he is there, I don't think things are going to get any better."
My dear gf told me that a year ago Jeff. H really needs to go the whole way this time.And that`s hard for both of us. Both of us have trouble letting go-though we`re both holding on to different things.
Yup, keeping centred on ME and the kids as much as poss. Had a fab night out last night with work colleagues. Home in the wee hours of the morning and H actually offered his pain killers for my splitting headache this am.
Wow, FG. You still sound like you are doingn well even through this all. You are inspiring. You have the right attitude and the right game plan. How was your weekend?
The weekend was good. Spent a lot of it resting. On antibs at the moment and need to give them a chance to work. Don`t need my health failing in all of this .
H gone from 6pm Sat til yesterday. No contact as per usual so I made the most of things with the kids.
Went for a short ramble with them yesterday. A beautiful place -old monastery ruins on a hill where I took time out to meditate for while. Really find being in pain helps me hugely to appreciate what I have and I truly do live in a beautiful part of the world-lots of history and spirituality about this place.
I`ve been reflecting too on our R-as it was. Maybe in some ways H hasn`t been the best thing for me. He has said that himself just a few months ago."I am bad for you" I pursued him all through our courtship, not the other way round. Maybe in some way I am addicted to him rather than love him. Maybe there was some part of me drawn to his emotional unavailability.
A good time to reflect on that right now.
A good time to let go.
S12 asked to go to the fun fair yesterday. He recalled last years trip with H and said 'dad was very angry that day' and then'Dad is always angry'
H has a problem. H has always had a problem with his temper. I hope someday he realises this and seriously addresses it for his kids` sakes.
Every meditation I these days brings up something different. Last night I just felt pinned to the floor with the pain in my heart. I couldn`t even cry it out;its just there. But I do feel comfort in meditation and do believe I`ll be ok.
Goal for this week:Sort out my budget sheet for next weeks mediation session(ugh!) Avoid H. Have fun with the kids and the puppy
Hey sweetie. Just recovering from a glorious weekend with some wonderful friends.
Catching up with you now.
The reflection time is really good. It sounds like the meditation is helping you sort through stuff. It does and will bring stuff up for you.
You know, accepting that the marriage as you remember it is over is hard, but just one of our many steps through this journey. Can it be reborn? That is really up to you. If, as you and H grow, change, and heal, it is entirely possible that a new relationship can rise from the ashes. What that relationship will be, how it will look and grow, is entirely up to the both of you.
Keep doing your inner work, looking in that mirror, changing what you feel like you need to change, and living YOUR life. Each day is a new step forward and believe me, although you might not be able to see it now, the butterfly that will emerge from your cocoon as you grow, is going to be someone extremely beautiful.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks Cat and SR for checking in! Glad you had a great weekend Cat!Hope you get a chance to email me a bit about it-love that whole escape thing.Especially with a few friends.
I`m lucky enough to have a gang of gfs who are great fun and yet know nothing(unless intuitively) abuot my sitch. My best nights out have been with them. Plus all our kids get on like a house on fire.
Sticking to my goals. Haven`t any trouble avoiding h. He`s calmer, doesn`t seem to have the need to get at me at the moment He is getting more involved with the puppy though and honestly lavishes the affection and conversation on that dog that he doesn`t give to the kids(and me of course...)
Dreading mediation next week but hoping it won`t be as emotional as session 1.
Had good fun with the kids taking the puppy for her first walk and later on having a cook in. That`s where we put the music on full blast and cook a few dishes/bake cookies together. Watched TV together for a while.
Its meditation that`s taking me through a lot though.Really helps me feel strong, protected and calm. And that things will be ok. Funny how part of me still really wants H to stay-I`d love if would just turn around and say Hey lets work at this-but part of me accepts whatever will happen.
Cat I know a new marriage could be born out of this. H,however, does not. That`s why he has to go.
Would love to have fun this evening! Haven`t decided what that should be. But I`ll work on it!
Doing my best with my goals. Staying out of H`s way. But he still came after me last night.
Next mediation session is about finance. Ugh! H always dealt with bills-I just earned and paid up. I don`t overspend-he actually told me that last year. But now he`s accusing me of siphoning off funds.
Ironic because I think he`s the one in the best position to fiddle the books but I didn`t say that, just suggested that we discuss the issue with the mediator.
H blocked the doorway but I politely told him to move and got past him.He continued to rant-mainly about money, took my cellphone but I took it off him with smile.
I really wanted the conversation over but H kept on. I acknowledged that he was angry, I tried to change the subject off us but H just got angrier. H threatened to lock me out of our dressing room-no apparent reason, just to be vexatious-but I told him not to be so silly and smiled.
Dunno if suggesting he was silly was great but my heart was thumping and I really didn`t want to react in anger either.
Eventually I said I was going to have a bath. He jumped in then and said no he was having one for a change and I could do without one!I asked when he was having one but eventually he conceded that I could have one.
Boy, have we gone down the crazy ridiculous route...fighting over the bath... and not a hope of sharing one! LOL!
I felt ok after it. I`d stayed calm. I went to bed. and slept!
The whole thing is so bloody exhausting. H of course, would love to see me as tired and sick as him too.
This am he was complaining about the level of care the dog was getting-my kennel cleaning skill(of lack of same!)the dog food I`d bought.
I listened but let it over my head(well did check in with some dog experts at work-I`m doing ok there).
Really, it`s a doddle to let H go at this stage;I need a break from the craziness.
Goals: Continue to sort receipts Continue to avoid H Have fun with the kids
The bath is a new one for me as well, but it does seem like he is trying to get a rise out of you at every turn.
It is him testing your patience, your calm. Your resolve.
The money, yes I have heard that accusation. I simply said, I work too. Am I not entitled to at least what I earn? Of course, I wasn’t siphoning money but they will accuse of everything and nothing. It is par for the course.
It will all come out in mediation I’m certain.
Keep taking care of that puppy. Let H spin. I’m gonna bet he is complaining but not doing anything about it so…..
Smile girl, you are doing great.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
You have the right attitude and the right game plan. How was your weekend?