What to do when H doesn't contact?

[mishka422]

I'm glad you said it 25 cuz I was having a hard time putting those same thoughts into words that didn't sound horribly terse.

[Goodfight]

Thanks 25, I guess I messed up big time. It was just our first conversation in over 10 months about what went wrong and I know that I have faults but denied them to him in the beginning of the separation and wanted him to know I see now how I also did things wrong.

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom and advice.
Forgot to put in there that I did thank him in the end for paying on the loan. I'm going back to your post and read and read it over and over. Plus my praying will continue.

[Goodfight]

Can anyone tell me how to start a new thread now that H is making contact and attach the old thread?
Thanks

[K4D]

You can just click on the reply button of a post and then change the name in the subject line up top like this.

Kevin

[K4D]

And now I have changed it back. That way you retain everything without having to start a new thread, but you have a new subject name for your thread.

Kevin

[Goodfight]

Thanks Kevin. I guess I really messed up, did you read my current sitch?

[C-Bart]

Lost,
I want to stop in and say hello. Haven't had a chance to read your entire thread but let me add one thing that occurred to me the other day. Remember that our spouses do not have our play book. That's important to remember because when we feel that we have messed up, we have messed up under our rules not theirs. I'm not recommending giving them the rule book or us breaking all the rules. Just trying to say relax. You will make plenty of mistakes that may seem big but aren't. Just pick yourself up and go back to the play book.

[25yearsmlc]

Lost,
Couple things including me repeating myself b/c I see you asking questions that reveal some words not sinking in...yeah, print out the stuff that helps so people feel you are getting something out of their time consuming posts. I'm not complaining but warning you about the frustration it generates if the same questions get asked week or month to month or if there is no movement despite numerous suggestions. Sometimes you want or need to wallow but at least admit it....we get it. At some point you will have to snap out of it though and only you can...and if you take a long time, like too long, just know you'll lose some folks here and probably in your life. I had a frirend once tell me I was starting to sound really negative & repetitive like another person we both knew and that MOMENT it hit me, I was becoming that person and REFUSED...know what I mean? I won't be seen as a victim or someone seeking revenge...or endlessly circling the drain and maybe bringing a few others down with me, sucking out their happiness or joy b/c how dare they be happy in front of ME?? That's what the other person did, so no one wanted to be around them after awhile and that includes folks here. No NO you are not near that point. Just saying..."time yourself"...only you can.
So FIRST
May I suggest you change your name as a start of taking charge of your life? You are not lost. Your h is.

And that's not your problem or responsibility, nor can you give him directions.

SECOND-- enough berating yourself about "Screwing up". I only listed the mistakes in the conversation you had - for you to come up with your own "script" or message to stay on. To use it as a learning experience, not an exercise in masochism. Seek out brandnewday's advice or sandi2's for some mantras to help you through this. Or Holly06 or Austinsmartcookie as they are ALL women who are strong and happy, some with their WAS's and some single. But all are happy now. Seek them out, seek out those on the other side of this sometimes...you have to know you'll be fine no matter what.

Your "new me message" - It has to be the authentic you but it has to be short and sweet and reveal change in you. Don't repeat it 4 diff ways to convince your h of it. Say it at the start of the SHORT talk and again at the end IF YOU MUST, but that's it. Other things we already said; be the one to end the conversations, don't argue with him AT ALL...you never need to. This is about being happy, not "right". Remember that. Stay on message.
I really think printing out helpful posts is good as I sure did it. I carried 2 in my purse for a year and put a few "mantras" on my Ipod for boosts.

Why should you never argue when your H is in a MLC or has "walked away"? b/c if the "marital revisions" he makes get too crazy and keep coming up, IF he does, and IF they are important (and only a tiny few are) then you quietly and calmly agree to disagree after you tell him you recall things differently OR if there's some truth to what he says, tell him that you'd do things diff if you had them all over to do, and you see that now and sooo, not a prob for you anymore. So you either deflect by saying you don't recall it that way which is a peaceful objection and that MAY make him think but arguing with him will NEVER accomplish your goal in these circumstances and you'll alientae him OR you concede the appropriate things and show him that you are not that woman anymore...and therefore how can he argue?

For instance if you were a jealous woman and he throws it in your face, say "Yeah I was insecure-- but I've worked on that and if I had it to do over again, I would do things diff" and that's just an example of a typical DISARMING comment that they cannot argue with you on ...Oh and then you DROP the subject...I would not stay on R talk long, I"d steer the talk to neutral stuff or your GAL or his, unless HE really persists and then I'd listen...

Stay on message, do not defend yourself anymore-it's arguing and it is forcing him to defend himself, again.

See, he has a little voice in his head that is trying to scream "WTH are you doing?!!" It's called a conscience. He loves your d too. But your "parental tone", "How could you do this?" must be tossed...Lose the parental voice. OR your "Why?" questions, which arouse his defense mode so you shut out that inner voice in him...
Lose those voices so he can hear his own...Let him hear it or at least don't be the reason he can't.
...but that's all about when and if you talk and have contact.

You shouldn't be having any contact that you don't have to have at this point. It's pursuit/pressure and NOT DBing at this point in your sitch (there's no one size fits all except ALL LBSers MUST GAL...)

He thinks of you more than you realize so when you see/speak to him after a period of time, your changes will be more noticeable. Plus Your d will share things with him about you indirectly and since you'll be upbeat and busy and happy GAL etc, he'll know....but do NOT tell her to tell him anything...it's way way too obvious.Which is pursuit AND using your d so she'll feel responsible for trying to fix you guys...not fair to her.

What's most important here is what are you doing to spoil yourself some?
No more torturing yourself about the idiotic thing you once said or did. The past has passed....and we all have our own list of things we regret...hey, HE does too.

SO "From this day forward..." what are YOU doing to create happiness in your one and only life? That's your focus, so see a L so you know what's up b/c knowledge is power and it was liberating for me to know what the worst case scenario was--b/c I could handle it if I had to--and so can you...

AND if he contacts you, you'll have your ready message/scripted answers and so...what's there to worry about?

Oh I know what you should worry about...what GAL activities are first on your list? That's today's "problem" for you...got it?

(( j ))

[25yearsmlc]

PS
Have you seen a lawyer yet? You should just to know. It does NOT mean you must do anything nor should you tell your h at this point.

Shoot, seeing a L for me, helped me choose to stay married b/c I felt safe to do so. But I filed for a sep at one point, mainly to protect assets as h was in the spell of his rich heroes wanting him to invest...AND a tiny part of me thought maybe he'd wake up. That did not wake him up but it gave me peace of mind. About a year ago he mentioned that HE was glad WE didn't mortgage the house to invest there....no I didn't jump in his face to remind him of how that happened...

Hey, it's better to be happy than right.
You must see a L though. You have children to think of. A consultation is NOT prohibitively expensive anyhow and with him out of the house and earning more, I assume, he'll end up paying the bills or most of them anyhow...but if you need to know how much he can squander WHILE legally married to you, b/c if it's in his advantage he may well spend or hide a whole lot...like "loaning" money to his relatives who won't mention it...

Fact: most men who leave their wives have made financial plans without their wives knowing. Most women do not. It cannot hurt you to know your rights. And I would not mention it to him NOR would I refrain from seeing a L b/c your h says he "wants to keep L's out of it'...yeah, I bet he does.

(( j ))

[Goodfight]

Thanks once again J. I did go to a L back in Jan. when H filed for a no fault, custody, separaton of property. There was no way I was going to go for a no fault. He makes a lot more than I ever will, so I do know my rights if H goes through with Divorce. I do get child support for our D12 but not my son, since my first husband would not allow him to adopt him.

H has started paying on some of the bills that are in both of our names just last month. And L told me that he will be responsible for 1/2 of everything I paid if the divorce goes through.

Since the custody hearing, H lost his L I guess b/c he lied to her about not staying in our D12's counseling, drinking and driving, etc. That was back in May and he didn't go into the hearing, just his L and step-mother (she is very controlling). When H goes off of his meds he drinks a lot.

I was going to go for spousal support so this way I could pay the loans that are in both of our names but now that he started to help pay them I'm letting it go.

My L said that in our state it is a 50/50 chance of a master ordering him to pay 1/2 of the bills in a separation agreement they would rather do it at the D hearing. I can't afford to go to it anyway (very expensive). And like you said I don't want to push him away by taking him to a court hearing.

We have been through a couple b/c of child support.

I'm trying to think of a new name but can't right now. You are so right as far as hearing the same thing over and over again, about me on here asking the same questions and I appoligize for it. Am trying to GAL, but with 2 jobs, 2 children, and a house to take care of it is really hard. I get tired, and I know I have to be more upbeat and I'm going to try harder.

I will do everything you suggested b/c you of all people know what it is like to go through this MLC or Depression whatever the heck it is, just get confused b/c friends will tell me that he needs to be needed and reassured of my love for him b/c he feels like a failure for leaving. And that b/c he suffers from depression and has for a long time off and on that he needs to know we all love him and are here for him. So that is where my mistakes come from on DBusting.

Thanks again J for your great advice.