Thanks Lotus, yes the affair lasted a year before he moved out and another 6 months in a happy state and then it went downhill. BUT the lies lasted 3 whole years...
Kerry, I said I know this limbo is my choice, I dont blame him for the limbo anymore.
My part in this mess? I have described in detail my part in this mess. I did for the last year before he moved out what the books say it is a love killer:I was criticising him, showing I didnt value him. But now, I am not sure anymore what started first, me being a bitch or him having an affair and treating me like chit and I became a bitch because of that... The timeline is not so clear in my head.
I dont think I am obsessed with him. I am obsessed with finally ending this situation which causes me to feel miserable. I feel there is no more time. I dont have time for more hobbies. I paint, make jewelery, take the kids to their activities 7 days a week(as of next weekend my son has football Sat-Sun), see my friends when they can, etc etc. I am not stuck in that sense. Sometimes I feel I need to have some more time just to relax.
Today he came to take the kids to the theater. He asked me again if I want to join them. I declined the invitation. K
I feel way better than at this time last year or six months ago. Sure this whole thing affected me....I would not be human if it did not. How can you not be affected by being lied to and disrespected by the person you gave everything you had to? But as Kerry mentions, I have my ups and downs....why just last night i had a little up and down (LOL)....All kidding aside, we are a product of the people we surround ourselves with....therefore, I am a better person today.
Hey K.. why did you decline the invitation? Do you resent him asking you to do family things, you want him to invite you say to dinner, or a weekend in Venice?? Could you say, no I dont want to play happy families, if you wanted to wine and dine me instead, alone, just me and you, I would have said yes????
Just wondering if you cant just start communicating whats really going on to him, how you feel, why you said no, instead of keeping it inside and feeling miserable AND not moving forwards with D either. Unless you just literally didnt want to go...?
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I can see why you would decline the invitation, it looks like more of the same. You'd have to be detached from reality to think that a 'family day' would create any real movement in your situation, and that doesn't appear to be the case with you.
My guess, & it's just based on a feeling I can't pin down, is part of the reason he may not come around fully is because he doesn't want the OW to believe he wants to R with you. Even though he doesn't want her, it takes a strong person & direct person to come out with the truth & most people opt for the cowardly way out. So, he hands out just enough to keep you hanging in there & not enough of what it would take to move forward.
I may have forgotten & he did actually tell her he wanted to give your M another try. I may also be projecting my own situation onto yours.
As far as your part in this, it's difficult, if not impossible to figure out what came 1st. At the end of the day it probably doesn't matter much, it's like chasing your tail & only serves to make you crazy.
You are in a position to make whatever choice you want, or none at all right now. It's almost easier to have the choice made for you, isn't it? Almost all WAS's seem to have someone waiting in the wings to give them that push in deciding to leave, until they find out it's just a short term solution.
Which ever way you go, you have grown in leaps & bounds from the "love killer" you may have been at one time, into someone worthy of being shown incredible amounts of loving.
Hey K.. why did you decline the invitation? Do you resent him asking you to do family things, you want him to invite you say to dinner, or a weekend in Venice?? Could you say, no I dont want to play happy families, if you wanted to wine and dine me instead, alone, just me and you, I would have said yes????
Will all due respect Ali. Her husband carried on a longterm affair, lied to her, took pictures of the sex...etc. You don't turn it off overnight and "OK honey I"d love to go to the movies with you and the kids." Or Venice. That is enabling behavior.
If Kalni wants her husband back, all things need to come to a stop and he needs to do incredible work or she will be back in the same place when he repeats what he did. And, the chances are HIGH that he will be ALL accounts AND percentages.
I don't say shut off ALL attempts at healing.
I repeat, when a spouse is AWOL for a 4 day weekend with an OP, you don't greet them with homecooked meal and a 'welcome home honey.' Michelle does NOT say this in her book.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
"She meant nothing....." Uh-huh. That is the biggest lie of all. And I don't think it is helpful to compound the problem by lying to ourselves about it either. WTH do we expect them to say?
Or course she meant something. All affairs mean something. Notice how they lie and sneak? And what about the sheer logistics of organizing the time to get away and be together?
A one-night stand may mean "nothing." But an A? It means everything at the time.
Kimmie Lee, she meant the world to him when he decided to move out. As she describes they decided to use the word LOVE very soon after the affair started. And when he did move out it wasnt because of the pressure of me finding out, because I didnt, it was because he couldnt be with me and wanted to be with her.
BUT, and that is something is generally accepted by all "experts" in the field, when he realised the grass wanst greener, he also figured SHE wasnt the special much better person than me in the end. I believe he still thinks highly of her in some sense, I see it in his eyes he feels guilty towards her too, but he can now evaluate the depth of his feelings for her. This last year we tried to reconcile, it was his time to break the addiction and feel the consequences of that. No doubt in my mind.
Not just friends, says that sometimes the exposure has this vacume effect, where the cheater realises what he is about to lose facing the consequences. stxH told me recently that during the last 2 months he had many realisations including this one.
You have to understand what he does. He says,now, Maria if the D will make you happy, I want you to be happy. BUT, I love you and I will do all I can to make it up, if there is ONE chance, give it to me...
I declined the invitation because I am not going that path with him again. We never had co-parenting problems, we both share the same values about raising the kids so that wouldnt be a change. Yes Ali, if he said, lets go out and talk and see what we come up with for both of us to be happy and move forward, then yes, I would accept the invitation.
When he came back, I was laying in bed and my D asked him to read something before he left. THey came in my room and laid beside me. When she got up, he stayed and hugged me and squeezed me, didnt say a word but today, and in the hospital, his hugs feel different. And I am not making this up. I am too alert and constantly checking my take on things and I am more negative as you know than positive. I guess the truth has been liberating for him. I feel connection and desire from him or better yet, I feel NEED. It is so different than last year's lukewarm attempts to hug. I sat there accepting his hugs and he made himself comfortable and stayed so long,(more than an hour) till he was very late for work. I didnt say a thing (except I turned the TV on-LOL).
I had planned to talk to him but then I felt so tired of myself complaining I kept my mouth shut.
He is flying to Geneva next weekend. I think it's time I got a Rolex. K
Sunny, he says he told her that he wants no communication with her. He hasnt yet told her he wants me and our M back. He says he will answer all my questions about her and their A and has agreed to tell me when and if she contacts him, but wants to shut her of our life completely. For me, it is important that she knows he wants/chose me to agree to this ONE chance.
Still, weirdly so, I dont think he would go back to her no matter what happens with us. I think in his head, she is connected to the source of humiliation and embarassement and loosing face.
Yes, it is much easier to have someone else make the decision for me, I agree. K
FIB, A paid trip to Venice (and the Rolex) sound tempting to me. I am a material girl, what can I say?
Seriously, all the things I have already told him and wrote to him, made very clear, this isnt easy to fix as far as I am concerned. And my stxH is a man that even at the C last year, when she asked, he wrote in his list that he is proud of his honesty, integrity and that he is a good person. All these are now what he lost, towards others and himself as well. I dont excuse him, but this man, had managed to make it all "right" in his head by making me look as the devil and justifying himself for his actions. He now says, he carries the weight of the facts and truth, his miserable actions and will have to live with that for the rest of his life... K
