After being here for three years....listening to many great men and women here....reading many books...and having 1 or 2 professional 'male gurus', I believe in the following:
Not all marriages CAN or SHOULD be saved. No doubt tho' that ALL people should TRY. The length of time devoted to this varies and is dependent on the individual. This forum, like an isotope, has a rate of decay. It is strongest at the beginning and slowly but surely loses it's efficacy as time goes on. This forum potentially can cause great harm by drastically deviating from MIchelle's book by:
condoning bad behavior in our WAS by not defining borders (one poster encouraged a woman to greet her husband in sexy clothes with a hot cooked meal and flirt with him after he was AWOL for 4+ days)
suggesting you to be a loser if you file for divorce
losing support if you DO file
recommending behavior that is conducive to enabling the WAS to continue an affair
supporting a person in denial
Certainly, I am a fortunate man for having found this place. I have learned much. I have gained much. I have changed much.
My greatest pain still is that the stories continue to be posted here and all as if they were poured from the same mold:
-two people meet and they propose their undying love for each other -the attraction wanes and one or both stray off track -someone get's their buttons pushed by an OP -the LBS realizes where they strayed; the WAS uses anger and paints the LBS as something darker than they really were to support their reasons for the destructive path they chose (cognitive dissonance) -frequently the LBS spouse turns doormat, dumpee, non boundary enforcer in an attempt to save a horribly sick marriage out of fear of the unknown and lack of self-esteem
We all know the rest of the story. The people who arrive here are usually 'worst-case scenarios'. Afterall, the reason they found this place was their that world had collapsed on them.
And then, there are those few 5% who find themselves in the piecing column. They are our heros. But....without mentioning names, in the last 4 weeks I've found 3 'piecers' posting back here with problems again.
Piecing...is not easy..and frequently, are really only band-aids because the REAL work hasn't been done.
Gawd, I pray for all here to find the happiness that they thought they had when they walked down the aisle years ago. I pray that they will find trust again in a friend...or GF/BF...or, perhaps even with a new spouse should their M not make it.
It's a lesson....not a failure. You know you've made it when you can say that and believe it.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
