Dylan...I am not too sure. I do not think either is terribly pleasant.
Kalni, it is always good to hear from you. Thank you for telling me you think I am strong. It helps to hear that these days...I feel my strength ebbing some days.
So, someone close to me had the guts to tell me that he thinks all my running may be symbolic of my running from my feelings. When he said it, I "yesed" him, told him I knew that and changed the subject. I have been thinking about it ever since. I had been avoiding thinking about it before he mentioned it, though the reason I so quickly brushed off the subject is because I did not want to admit it to myself.
My run today was very hard, physically. My legs were heavy and tired. It was my mind on the run today, pulling my tired body along. So I stopped running in the middle of my planned distance, I just stopped, sat down and let the feelings wash over me. I cried. I am sad and tired and tired of feeling sad. I feel lost and scared. It is these feelings - scared and lost - that make me want to avoid sitting with my grief and really feeling it. I do not like feeling that way. I do not see anyway out of it or any light at the end of a tunnel - hell, I cannot even see two feet in front of me in this tunnel.
I am scared that if I allow myself to really feel all these feelings that they will overcome me. I feel as though I am in a pool and these horrid feelings are pulling at my ankles, trying to pull me under water and I have to fight to keep my head where I can breathe...and I am losing.
It has been so many months of sadness and crying and I want to be done. So, to be done, I have to feel. I have to stop fighting and trust that I will not be overcome by my feelings. Trust that my strength will see me through.
I just realized something about strength as I was writing this...my strength is not meant to be used to fight the feelings - to prevent them from being present...my strength is meant to keep me from getting consumed by the feelings, overwhelmed by them. My strength is there to remind me that I am more than what I feel in any given moment.
