For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

I sure hope so. Guess I will continue on!

Lulu, do you have a thread posted somewhere? You and others have been supportive and I'd like to offer the same support to you.

[LuLu]

Hi Court. I would love some advice. I have had a very interesting occurence happen recently.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1853348&#Post1853348

[courts0818]

Just updating...

I had to work yesterday so H spend the day with DD. I got home around 5:30 and he ended up staying at our house until we put DD to bed around 9. I'm not sure why he stayed - all he did was watch TV and play online poker.

I wasn't focused on him - I happily played with DD and spent my time with her. We talked a little, but it was all pretty much about her. Thankfully, once again I felt good enough to be friendly to him.

He came back over today. He stopped in this morning and was surprised to see that we didn't go to church (seemed like DD was getting a cold so I decided not to take her). Anyway, he grabbed a check and then went to get stuff to close our pool. I think I'm doing something with a girlfriend tonight to get out of the house - no idea how long he plans to be here.

This is all so weird - I don't contact him and now he really doesn't contact me bc he knows I don't have anything to say, he comes over - does a little around the house (the outside stuff), spends times with our DD and then he's off. What a whacked out world he lives in. He's totally delusional. Who lives life like this?

Anway, I did have a sad moment today. H let DD paint yesterday and needed to soak her clothes in the washer - well he also soaked a pair of his jeans. IDK...it just made me said to pull his jeans out of the washer. When I took his jeans out - I was just holding them - an empty pair of jeans - just reminded me of my empty marriage. I just stood there holding his jeans and felt such a loss. It probably sounds crazy, but it made me miss him.

I'm staying upbeat, but I really wonder...will I ever have my husband back?

[LuLu]

Just keep up your db'ing efforts. It's too soon to know what is going to happen. I'm sorry you are having a sad day, it is such a roller coaster ride. And yes, he is delusional. He's confused and is living in fantasy land. He stuck around last night right? That's different. Keep confusing him. You really are doing great!

[courts0818]

For the time being, I'm over my sad moment. I hung out with a friend tonight. We went to Barnes & Noble to look and to talk.

Yes, H did stick around last night. And I am trying to confuse him a bit. For example - he was on the computer and I was reading books to our DD. At the same time, I was texting my sister. He came out to see what we were doing and my phone was open so I quickly picked up my phone and closed it - kinda like so he couldn't see it. He said something like, "What's wrong Courtney, don't you want me to see what's on your phone?"

And then tonight, he asked where my purse was bc he needed to get a check. And I said I'll get it. Well, he got the checkbook out and I grabbed my purse. Again, he said something like, "What don't you want me to see?"

I'm not trying to play games, but I am trying to be mysterious. I've been an open book bc I don't have anything to hide. But maybe I do need act a little more secretive and make him wonder a little.

[LuLu]

Yes, no more open book. Don't let him cake eat. I don't know about anyone else but I think playing the jealousy card is part of our weaponry. I don't know what it is but for the past couple of days I keep coming across the same message. We're talking TV, books and just random life. The message is make them come to you.

I was watching tv the other night and it was some cheesy show, don't even remember what it was but it was definitely for a teen/early 20's crowd. There was a pretty girl on there who was asked by another girl, "How do you get all the guys?" The pretty young thing replies, "Easy, you just ignore them."

Oldtimer on another thread said the same but a different way. He says when we act the way we act it's like we're that co-worker, neighbor, acquaintance or whatever that's always trying way too hard to spend time with yu. You know the one. They're just too much, always right up your @ss. So you avoid them, you don't return their emails, don't return calls. That's us (no db'ing or 180'ing). The strange thing is when that annoying person stops trying to hang out with you or do things for you and instead picks someone else to follow around, there's a bit of jealousy there. You become curious. In reality, that annoying person probably would be okay if they would just back off a bit.

I thought it was all an interesting analogy. Just food for thought.

[LuLu]

By the way, Court, hate to ruin it for you but it IS a game!

[TooLateForMe]

Yes, H did stick around last night. And I am trying to confuse him a bit. For example - he was on the computer and I was reading books to our DD. At the same time, I was texting my sister. He came out to see what we were doing and my phone was open so I quickly picked up my phone and closed it - kinda like so he couldn't see it. He said something like, "What's wrong Courtney, don't you want me to see what's on your phone?"

Reminds me of last night w/ my W. Though I avoided asking who she was texting. And I'm the one trying to close the gap. But I do kind of get the sense it was intentional, to get me curious, or to keep a wall up between us. Or both.

[courts0818]

Lulu, I know it's a game - it's sad, but true. Thanks for the post, it made me think.

Mark, hang in there - it's so hard to know what they are doing and thinking and it's too exhausting and unhealthy to waste too much time trying to figure it out (I learned this the HARD way).

[courts0818]

Okay, I need some advice. I am taking a MAJOR step towards GAL. I am going to visit my BFF in NY in a little over a week. My bday is 10/24 and her bday is 10/26 so it's a surprise visit for her. Her H set it up. I have never gone to visit her before. I see her like once a year when she comes here. She grew up here, we went to school together and even though we live far apart we are very close.

About a month ago, I briefly mentioned it my H. I didn't give him any dates or details and he didn't/hasn't say/said much of anything about it.

I'm wondering if I should talk to him about my plans or just go without saying anything to him. Of course, I have made plans for my mom to watch our DD.

The reason I'm thinking about not saying anything to him is because last April he took a week long vacation to Florida and never said anything to me about it until he was already there. Just typing this is bringing back a flood of ANGER. A few days before he left, he sent me an email saying he had a little trip planned. So, the next time I saw him I asked what he had planned. He acted like a complete a$$ and said something like "Why do you care?" Instead of getting upset, I simply said something like, "If you don't want to tell me, that's fine" and I walked away.

That was early in the week and nothing more was said about it. So, that Friday I sent him a text asking if he was coming over and he said he couldn't bc he was far away. He kept saying he didn't want to tell me where he was at bc he knew I would be mad. UM...MAD...YA THINK??????? Anyway, he was already in FL. When we he told me he was staying for a week, I absolutely did not believe him. I totally thought he was staying for the weekend and was just kidding. It wasn't until I sent a text to his boss and found out that he had taken the week off that I actually believed it. And that's bc it had been a few years since we had taken a vacation so it totally stunned me. He says he was there golfing with vendors from work. Who knows (um...I could totally throw up right now). Anyway...

I can't even explain how angry and hurt I was - it is beyond words. I was in a state of shock that he made all those plans didn't say one word to me, took a week's vacation, and then actually went all the way to FL without even telling me and he left me and our DD at home. Oh my word - it's getting me upset just thinking about it again.

Anyway, It's been a little over 3 weeks since I stopped reaching out to H, stopped texting him, stopped trying to have any kind of R talk and so on. I have been leaving when he comes over and I've been trying 180s and getting GAL.

We are approaching the 1 yr mark since he moved out and I really want to do things to get his attention, to help him see me differently - stronger, more independent, more carefree, more focused on me and not him. I've said everything I can say and it hasn't worked. I have to SHOW him by my actions that things are different with me.

Since he never asks what I'm doing or how I feel about anything, should I just go and not tell him? I mean I did mention it, but he doesn't know when I'm planning on leaving.

I just don't know. Last year he totally forgot my birthday - didn't do one single thing except the day after he sent me a text saying he was sorry for totally forgetting it. Really sweet, huh?

I'm taking a stand, I'm doing things different. He needs to SEE that I'm done being disrespected, done caring about what he does, done worrying about this marriage - it's time I'm focusing on me and what I want.

So, what do I do? I need help.