Detachment

[antlers]

We let it BLEED into our self-worth. Sure, they date other men because they want to, but we tell ourselves that if there wasn't a flaw in us...then they would be dating us instead! And if we weren't unlovable, and/or if we didn't do something to deserve this...then they would be dating us instead!

I only 2x4 because I care. The above, well, you've given problem and solution there, dude. It bleeds over only if you LET IT. Granted, the mental and emotional process in *refusing* to let it isn't a snap-of-the-fingers thing ... it takes time, and you will backslide. But your mental self-talk and what you believe about yourself IS fully in your control.

Also, don't take this as a slam ... but can you see how you're sitting in the Center Of The Universe chair a bit, above? Your wife is a sentient individual with probably a hundred reasons why she might not choose to date or reconcile with you. Odds are, only *some of those reasons* have anything to do with you at all (as opposed to her family of origin or general emotional status, for instance), and perhaps even fewer have any relation to the person you are now becoming. Don't take on the load for her complicated human choices ... that's a form of arrogance (and even self-centeredness) in itself.

Finally, I hate to see you devote too many resources to detaching with the idea that it will deliver you from pain. There is no way to escape pain in this process. It's like expecting to have surgery without any post-op pain. Ain't gonna happen. The important focus points are: You are doing all you can to make this as healthy as possible for everyone. And whatever pain you feel, you will survive it, you can handle it, and you will not always feel this bad.

I know, and I appreciate it. How do you not let it? It makes sense, and I believe, it IS fully in our control. But as you've said, it's friggin' hard!

I understand your point of view. I have so many regrets and if I had it to do over again, I'd do a lot of things differently. But I've made many changes, and I feel very good about those changes. I just wish that she would have given me a second chance...I'd have spent my life making it up to her. It saddens me that I don't get that chance.

I've felt enough pain already, not only because of her rejection of me, but also because of the way I behaved in the past. Thank you for this..."You are doing all you can to make this as healthy as possible for everyone." God, I hope what you say is true! And I'm so ready for it to be that way!