Detachment

[antlers]

Sure, they date other men because they want to, but we tell ourselves that if there wasn't a flaw in us...then they would be dating us instead! And if we weren't unlovable, and/or if we didn't do something to deserve this...then they would be dating us instead!

Antlers read up on shame. It is probably a source of your anger from your FOO.

Guilt is when you feel bad about something you did (behavior). It's normal and healthy in the right amounts.

Shame is when you feel bad because you think there is something wrong with you. If only I was better, more lovable, smarter, better looking, made more money, skinnier, etc then she/he would love me. So the self talk is I have a flaw that precludes me from being loved. This leads to pessimistic thinking, co-dependence, anger, and catastrophising.

There is nothing wrong with you. Have you made mistakes, sure. Who on this earth hasn't. Nothing wrong with making mistakes, it's how you recover. Start by loving yourself enough to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. Who would want to love you if you don't love yourself? BTW this will help you detach.

Cheers

Feeling inadequate and unlovable and powerless was the source of my anger, resentment, and abuse.

I have a tremendous amount of remorse over the way I behaved for all the years that I did.

I have always thought that Coach. That caused the problems. The self talk has been hugely detrimental. In my case, it led to anger, resentment, and abuse.

Thank you. The self talk is that there is, but I believe you in truth. I have made awful mistakes, for years. I have, to a large degree, but the self talk is still there, and it came back with a vengeance with her filing for divorce and telling me the things she did.