I am really in a struggle right now and I need help. I am seeing more and more that my husbands behavoir is soo much more about his ADHD/Depression trait and not about me. Yes, my behavior needs to be changed but I am not the cause of him not paying attention to me or him being emotionally unavailable. I have found a terrific website about ADHD and marriages and I’ve been reading it for the past week trying to get more insite about this trait and how this trait affects my daughter and I (the non-adhd’ers) and my marriage. I have to say that I’ve never read anything that clarified my husbands behavior before. Especially the on/off switch. When we were dating the world revolved around me and as soon as we got married….I was tossed aside like an old shoe. I now know he was displaying an ADHD trait called “hyperfocusing” on me, the courtship and the wedding planning. When the triggering event is over, focus changes and that’s that. I’ve been wondering for 5 years what I’d done to illicit this response from him. I now know that it isn’t “him” but his inability to maintain blance and fouce due to the ADHD trait. Our sex life all but stopped after the wedding and it’s been that way for the 5 years. He is completely addicted to computer games and used to spend time watching porn. I have begged, pleaded, cried, calmly explained….everything I could think of to get him to understand my needs in this marriage and also to understand what his needs were. He is unable to state what his needs are and I’m continually left in the dark. I will freely admit that my co-dependance has a great deal to do with how I deal with his emotional seperation, lack of attention, lack of loving gestures, lack of affection and lack of sex. I am working on my issues HARD and doing the best I can do keep learning about myself and to keep growing emotionally.
My husband is not getting adequate help for his issues. I am truly starting to feel like he will never change. Feeling like this is it and it’s not going to get any better. He continually tells me he wants to leave and never does. Tells me the marriage is over but talks about things that are months from now. I love my husband so much and it’s sooo difficult to not touch someone that you love and not want to crawlin bed and wrap your arms around them. He is my husband. I want to feel close to him and share life with him. THAT is not co-dependance. That is what healthy relationships are made of. My co-depencance come in when I start feeling self hatred because of his constant rejection. This is why I as a WAW spouse back in May of this year. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt that my daughter was not seeing a healthy relationship modeled for her. Instead she was watching the type of relationship that had been modeled for me. Watching two people existing in the same house..no affection, no tenderness, no closeness…..just roommates. He had a EA that turned PA while I was gone and by the time I came back home in June, he wanted the marriage over. I’ve been DB’ing ever since.
My issue is that we have gone to counseling, we have done the Retrouvaille weekend…nothing has phased him. I believe that’s because the problem isn’t with our marriage, it’s with the fact that his ADHD trait (which he is not being treated for except for meds) is really what drives his behavior. He believes that it’s me…all me. He doesn’t love me anymore, he has no desire to try…he just wants to be left alone and not nagged, asked, pushed. He wants to isolte and wants me to leave him that way. He wants to be able to play computer games for 4-5 hours on end and wants me to say nothing about it. That’s not ok with me. Not OK by a LONG shot.
He is behind me right now, headset on, talking and laughing with other gamers while I type this. I am going to have to go to the dump, I will engage our daughter today. Today I am just bitter and so angry at him. I feel completely dooped. Like I was sold a bill of goods that was a lie. I should’ve known better. No one is THAT into anyone but with my co-depdenance I didn’t see his hyperfocus on me as a bad thing. It fed my need to be hyper loved.
As I get more clarity on my issues of needing to be loved and needing validation and practicing self love and care, I’m finding myself wondering if this marriage is worth saving. THEN I think, my daughter needs me to fight and keep this marriage alive. She has one parent who is in their right minds who wants to keep her family alive….I need to do it for her. THEN I think….but what about me…THEN I think…my childs needs come before my needs. It’s so complex and so difficult. It’s just been a REALLY hard few days.
Thanks for listening….Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
