I HURT LIKE HELL when I went thru my sitch. I just developed the self-discipline to stop REACTING from the hurt, and instead learned to EXECUTE MY PLAN.
Yeah, at 2 in the morning? alone in my bathroom, with the fan on and my face buried in a towel to muffle my sobs? I bawled my eyes out. But in front of my wife? Nuh-uh, and it's not how I made my decisions. Puppy
Puppy is dead on here. I was in horrible pain, and most of my fiction writing at that time is filled with women who had fascinations with razors, who were dealing with R problems. I sobbed and sobbed, felt the pain intensely...but I stopped letting H see any of that.
I would get up when he got up in the morning even though it was my summer off, eat breakfast, and read on the couch until he left. After he left, I allowed myself a limited time to cry...I set the timer and wailed for 10-minutes, and then I meditated or got up and got busy. When H was arriving home, I was either gone or on my way out the door.
No one is saying not to feel the hurt, because that's impossible. Just make decisions independent of emotion. What are your boundaries? How will you enforce them? What will you do now?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
You're misunderstanding me. I'm not questioning the hurt. I'm imploring you to stop REACTING to it, and instead plan ahead of time what you're going to say and how you're going to say it.
I HURT LIKE HELL when I went thru my sitch. I just developed the self-discipline to stop REACTING from the hurt, and instead learned to EXECUTE MY PLAN.
Yeah, at 2 in the morning? alone in my bathroom, with the fan on and my face buried in a towel to muffle my sobs? I bawled my eyes out. But in front of my wife? Nuh-uh, and it's not how I made my decisions.
While it's true that any one (or even two, or three) conversations (reactions), no matter how badly executed, can screw up your DB efforts permanently, it is also true that you can't just simply keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again.
I"m not trying to be mean -- I'm trying to help you, and I'm only describing what I've been seeing.
Puppy
Okay...maybe I misunderstood.
I don't think I was reactive today. He doesn't know I'm upset...at least I have not told him. I am trying to get myself together before I go home.
I don't plan on saying a word about him leaving other than knowing the days he will not be picking S up from the bus stop.
I am a bit overwelmed but think I am handling it okay. Any suggestions for when I get home?
Last edited by Ashlee; 10/09/0909:02 PM.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Not too good with what to do when you get home. My opinion? Ignore him completely. Ask nothing, say nothing, do nothing. If he starts telling you what he's doing, where he's going, etc. then look him in the eye and say, "I'm sorry you feel that way.", "Do whatever you feel you need to do.", "You will be picking your S up when?"
That's it. Nothing more. No reacting, no questioning, nothing. Don't let him fluster you.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Got home...H upset I wasn't answering his calls...says he was actually worried about me. H asked in the future if I will answer his calls because he just wants to make sure I'm okay.
H then said something to the effect of "I know you're not going to believe me but nothing is going to happen b/w me and OW. Believe it or not she is trying to work on her M. I haven't even talked to her on the phone in over week."
H asked if I wanted him to go. I reiterated the trust briefly and he said okay. I asked what days he is unable to pick up S from school...he really didn't give a straight answer except he thinks he's going out of town to "think" on Wed or Thurs. H said he wants to go to MC and IC. I said I've heard that before, I will believe it when it happens.
He then wanted to hug me and I just stood there. When he left he kissed me on the forehead and said "I do love you. Always and forever." He took only one overnight bag and his backpack with his laptop.
S said when H said bye he said he was leaving for the night. S asked when he would see him again. H said Sunday.
I am proud of myself because I did not break down in front of H.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Good job not breaking down Ash. That is a horribly hard thing to watch. I know exactly what you are feeling right now...betrayed, raw, panicky, distraught.
Take tonight for just you if you can. What is S14 doing? Can he go to a friend's house? You need some quiet down time.
What is your next step? Wait and see what he does come Sunday or take action for yourself?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
H actually came back to the house Friday night. Said he forgot some stuff. We were about to eat dinner (S had friends over) and H got some dinner and sat down. While eating my Mom showed up. She confronted H. H barely said a word but did say "There's 2 sides to every story" and it was between him and I. I said nothing. H threw his food away and left.
No contact with H today.
S told me H told him he was leaving and told S it had nothing to do with OW. H told S he was talking to her but no more and him leaving was because of problems between H and I.
I haven't cried since he left but I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll break down. I know this is the right thing...I know it but I am scared half to death. I am afraid of tomorrow, I am afraid to talk to him...I am afraid I'll break down. I am doubting myself. I don't know if I have the courage to do this. I am terrified.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
What exactly is it you are afraid of? Don't you think being in an unhappy M is worse than whatever you're afraid of?
I've been sitting here trying to come up with an answer. I think part of me is afraid of losing H even though I know things can't stay the way they are.
I'm also afraid of the unknown.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
"I've been sitting here trying to come up with an answer. I think part of me is afraid of losing H even though I know things can't stay the way they are.
I'm also afraid of the unknown."
I`m right with you on all of that Ash. Just at that point myself.
Just found your thread read through some of it and loving the advice you`re receiving.
I think it kills our H`s when they think we can get on without them. Survival is the name of the game with DBing.
this is a difficult road though and not knowing what`s ahead can be torturous. The only cure is to enjoy all your blessings now, have your bawling session, then meditate/do what you do to find your calm. Plan ahead though not to the point of fretting about stuff.
The fear demon jumps up and bites when you least expect it so be ready to listen to it when it does.Pin down the exact point of fear-lack of money?child custody?parent`s reaction? and build a plan to deal with them.
