Yes, I know better then to wake H up like that but I honestly felt that the problem was too important to let wait. I was more worried that if I DIDN't tell H about it right away I would be going through what I am now. So much for thinking I guess.
I tried acting "as if"...I got cut off at the knees. H gave me a dirty look and went in the bedroom and pulled the covers back over his head. Still am trying to act "as if"...he's shut himself up in the bathroom now
I have apologised, I have asked what I could do to expedite us getting over this, I have told him that it hurts that I made him so angry and I have told him that I don't understand why he is holding on to it for so long. I did not do all of this at one time but rather many hours apart...each question. He is still angry.
Yes, I also did a stupid thing and asked if we were basically back to square one again...H said "I don't know".
Somewhere along the line this has gone beyond my just waking him up. Now H says it is an accumulation of things. My SF "cornered" him at work about the problem, I "aired" dirty laundry, I went behind his back and I hid things from him plus more that he wouldn't even go into.
I don't know where he got any of this at! Yes, I talked to my parents about the problem...SF said maybe H would feel better talking it over with him (they get along really well) you know, a guy thing. I told SF that wouldn't be a good idea, that he would just make matters worse. Apparently my statement didn't sink in.
When H told me about SF cornering him I got upset. I asked parents just what exactly was said. SF said nothing except the problem was talked about and solved.
Now I am at a loss...H is acting like he did back during the "bad times"...but why???
I've spent half the day angry and half the day bereft. My stress levels are climbing which normally doesn't bode well for me. I'm trying every technique I know to keep myself calm...all to no avail.
One tiny positive...H did let me rub his back. I'm probably reaching to call it a positive but it is the only one I can come up with today
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Just in reading "Destructive Emotions" (buddhism meets western brain science)...it is very clear that some people take a LOOONG time to recover once destructive emotions are aroused.
Myself, I'm not like that at all...doesn't take much to upset me, but I cool down real quick too...has caused a lot of trouble with CJ as he is NOT LIKE THAT and suffers the aftereffects of negative emotions for a much longer time before returning to normal.
Secondly, these other things he's added to the "negativity" today...about SF (sister's friend???), about your folks...these were things he was no doubt grappling with anyway.
I know that it set CJ and I back a great deal when I shared pretty much everything with everybody....no WAY would I have not told my family and closest friends, but pretty much EVERYONE knew.
Even after we were "piecing" CJ had strong feelings of vulnerability and "exposure" that I had to work to soothe. After one blow up, I promised that our "piecing" would be between us and the fine folks on the bb...hence bomb #3 was more of a private ordeal...but easier to spring back from.
Perhaps your H might like some empathy (I know, I KNOW!!!)...an acknowledgement of how hard it is to face up to all of this, how uncomfortable it can be...
Now if NOTHING else, you'll know better than to ask a question like "Are we back to square one?" WHILE your H is in a mood!!!
Pam: It has taken him as long as a week to bounce back before We went on a trip then too which made for a very long and miserable 10 hr. drive. He finally came around by the time we had arrived at our destination but....*shudder*. This time around was actually relatively quick!
Shiny: Sorry, I used SF for StepFather
I'm like you in a way...my anger burns real hot, real quick and then I am ready to move on. I wasn't always like that but a 6 yr.stint in the military taught me anger management if nothing else
My big problem is that I tend to let things simmer just below the boiling point...I stay annoyed for days on end. Sometimes I succeed at syphoning the annoyance off into something like yardwork...sometimes I don't and it blows up.
If I think that I'm gonna reach explosion level though I do try everything I can to hold it at bay until there is no one around me. I can be overly cruel when I am in that state of mind, not to mention somewhat physical. Since I, myself, don't like when people are angrily cruel to me I don't think it fair of me to be so with them.
H cannot tolerate my anger. Hence it is difficult for me to deal with H's prolonged tantrums. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that someone wants to act in a way that they would under no circumstances accept from me.
H is aware that everyone knows about our R problems...that doesn't appear to bother him so much now since we have started working through them. The offense was that I discussed a finacial problem. This baffeled me because he never shows any interest in the finances other then to ask if there is enough money to make a substantial purchase. The rest of the time he just spends the money and I find out about it after the fact.
We had discussed this point before and it was one of the things we agreed needed changing. So this time, instead of fixing the problem like I always do so HE didn't have to worry about it, I opted to include him in the decision-making process. Now here we are...and the problem STILL hasn't been resolved
Well, gotta go get my bread started...
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Got the bread done and in the freezer. H loves when I make bread but I stopped doing it when we had the break down this summer H's sleep schedule got messed up again due to a business trip he had to go on today so he was too tired to eat anything yesterday ( I did finally manage to get him to eat some pizza though). Decided it was better to freeze it rather then let it go to waste since I don't eat very much when he isn't around. Just seems like too much of a hassle to cook for just me, ya know?
I'm still perplexed at how he got over the anger thing. It was weird! H didn't want to speak to, look at or be around me at all Sat. which made it rather awkward when my parents came over I took your and Shiny's advice and got into "as if" mode.
I started talking to him about just mundane things "as if" he weren't angry at all. He would grudgingly answer me back. About 1 am he starts mucking about in the kitchen...I went in to see what the racket was about and got my head bit off. I beat a hasty retreat let me tell ya! Forty five minutes later I look up and he is standing there smiling...then proudly hands me a homemade funnel cake!! The man made pate choux (cream puff pastry)! I couldn't believe it...it was good too ! I told him how good it was...better than county fair stuff by far (I don't really like funnel cake...lol...but this was real light and not greasy). THEN he starts talking to me .
We go to bed eventually...I crawl in and stick to my side since I'm not real sure if his mood has actually shifted. Didn't want to push The dogs jump up in between us...H grabs the dogs and puts them back on the floor then grabs me and cuddles up next to me. It was like his anger had never existed! We made up
I avoided talking about the sitch too until yesterday. I asked H if he was willing to talk about it yet. He then proceeded to tell me what his intent was regarding it and told me not to worry about it anymore. A short, positive interaction with no snapping or irritability expressed and a solution in place. All this even though he was extremely tired from lack of sleep...too bad he couldn't have been this reasonable Fri
H also told me last night that there is a good possibility that he will be going to Delaware in the next couple of weeks. He has told his boss that he would rather drive then fly out. He is tired of having to leave here between 4 and 5 in the morning in order to make his flight (we live 2 hours away from airport...2 hours if no traffic is encountered that is) H said if they let him drive then he will take me with him because he enjoys having me along on his trips Will know more next week some time.
This week will be lonely since he is basically gone for the rest of the week. I know everyone will say that I should look to this as ME time...trust me, I get plenty of ME time every day since I am usually alone for at least 10 hrs of it. I do plan on coloring my hair though so that will be a nice surprise for him when he comes home. I also intend to clean all of my carpets...not exactly fun stuff but it will keep me occupied
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
So glad that you have recovered from this weekend's episode...
When you mentioned waking up H to talk, my first thought was of some of Michelle's anecdote in DR about when she would raise a discussion with her H. Zoo, it would be worth a review of that chapter.
So you discover some stuff that didn't work the way you expected it to ... that's OK ... life is a series of learning experiences just like this ... but now with DBing knowledge, you know not to repeat it, but if you want a different response you will need to approach it differently next time and in today's post I see a couple of hints from H as to what might work next time...
... but first off ... don't EVER wake up Hubby to have a problem solving discussion ... wait until he has downed an entire pot of coffee and give him an hour to be at the peak of his caffine high! (I think this is a guy thing to help us think straight!)
OK, on a more serious note, back to the hints...
Quote: I asked H if he was willing to talk about it yet. He then proceeded to tell me what his intent was regarding it and told me not to worry about it anymore. A short, positive interaction with no snapping or irritability expressed and a solution in place.
The first difference ... I see here is you are asking if he willing to get into a serious discussion at "this" time vs. telling him you need to talk to him at "this" time. Next time I would ask, "I have something I would like your input / help on, would you let me know when you have time to sit down and discuss it?"
Quote: Forty five minutes later I look up and he is standing there smiling...then proudly hands me a homemade funnel cake!!
Follow his lead here, Zoo! He's made it quite clear that a verbal apology didn't work very well when he is that angry and repeated attempts just made it worse ... but he seems to relate to using a "peace" offering to smooth things over. So what kind of "peace" offering do you think he would respond positively to?
WOWZA KAW is good! I am so impressed! Zoo, I would like to share my thought on this as well. My H and I used to pass the household accounts (the books what have you) back and forth about every year or so. When one would get burnt out doing them we'd tell the other and they would just pass over to H or me. H has liked the way I did the books for the last few years and now I do them all the time. I tried something like you did at one point and even in a variety of ways. In the end he likes me doing them and I like doing them so now I just do them and that's that. This is an example of "Keep What's Working". I know when you're chomping at the DB bit you may be tempted to try a 180 on everything and maybe that's not such a good idea.
There ARE things that your H likes that you're doing and what's working for him and you and for your R. So maybe every aspect of your R needs no DB, maybe a few things just need a lil DB and maybe a few things need alota DB. I may not be clear here but you got a clear signal of what didn't working so that's great. And funnel cake peace offering--too much! Really neat. This post tickled me!
Quote: ... but first off ... don't EVER wake up Hubby to have a problem solving discussion ... wait until he has downed an entire pot of coffee and give him an hour to be at the peak of his caffine high! (I think this is a guy thing to help us think straight!)
I knew this all to well...I was half way through telling the problem and instantly knew I screwed up! I tried to back out of it but H's response put me into defense mode and that was all she wrote
I did review the part in the DR book you mentioned...it's funny because it is one of the particular parts that H made a point of pointing out to me when he was reading over my shoulder. The importance of the situation caused totally brain disengagement...db'ing went ffttt.
Quote: Next time I would ask, "I have something I would like your input / help on, would you let me know when you have time to sit down and discuss it?"
This is what I have been doing prior to friday...my new approach so to speak. I argued myself out of it though since I was more worried about NOT telling H about it right away.
Quote: Follow his lead here, Zoo! He's made it quite clear that a verbal apology didn't work very well when he is that angry and repeated attempts just made it worse ... but he seems to relate to using a "peace" offering to smooth things over. So what kind of "peace" offering do you think he would respond positively to?
Actually, I tried to make a "service" type peace offering a couple of times...he would have none of it When that failed I resorted to trying to approach him via his LL...physical touch. He allowed me that...I think he was jonesing since I hadn't touched him at all since the day before.
Hmmm...I just remembered that at other times when he has been angry he would still want me to touch him. DOH! I think that his telling me this summer that my touch was suddenly "nothing special" and not wanting me to do it then has made me insecure in this area so I am more hesitant to use his LL as a tool.
Another revelation just flashed...H has been speaking to MY LL's!! I have 3...
Words of affirmation: H has told me that he is pretty sure we are going to work out, that he is "in" love with me, that ML is now fantastic, etc
Physical touch: H pulls ME to him in bed, intitiates cuddling and has taken to rubbing my back,stroking and playing with my hair. He also HUGS me as well as kissing me before he leaves the house!
Acts of service: H made ME funnel cake, helped clean the house and started cleaning up the yard etc.
I feel like an idiot!! Why didn't I notice this sooner??? I mean, I was aware of these things and they made me feel good but...aw hell!
Thank you so very, very much KAW!!!
Of course the big lug isn't around for me to express my appreciation too right now
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
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