Who is this person?

[Day by Day]

Thanks Sandi, I appreciate your input.
Yes, I admit I am wishy-washy and my thoughts are all over the place. I feel it's fear though.

What I meant with that statement was to back off and focus on my own life. But, I wasn't waiting to hear from him after the no-show at MC. I was already afraid of his anger during the session and lack of trust that the C would keep it under control.

And as for the NC, I'm taking a breather from the hurts he inflicts on me. I'm hoping he'll calm down in time. I was angry about hearing how he texted a statement to our D that was meant for me and it got delivered to me like he wanted. It did push my buttons. I don't want her to get in the middle of sarcastic comments meant to hurt me. Of course she wouldn't understand the comment... then she'd come to me to ask when he wouldn't explain it. But I didn't contact him.

I know that he's going to be mean, blaming, unfair, etc. but I need to get stronger. I know... it's about him, not me. I'm working through understanding what I can do (GAL, detaching, 180s). I'm hoping with NC we can both figure out what to do. The horrible things he said to me while I pursued him pre-DB hurt me deeply.

I love him, but then I don't understand how I could love someone who can hurt me that deeply. I'm confused.